WARNING! CONTEMPLATIVE ENTRY AHEAD! *cue New Age music*

Anyway. I think my time in Austin came full circle to a close this weekend. I drove there on Thursday night to spend the night with my brother so I could get an early start on cleaning my old apartment on Friday. My mom came a few hours later, but I wanted to have some peaceful moments within its confines for a bit.

Weird full circle irony moments:

1. Sitting in an empty apartment, waiting, reading, listening to my little radio. I did that the very first day of my new apartment.

I was so lonely that day, January 2nd, 2003. The movers were 3 hours late, and all I had was my little radio, my journal, and my fear that I was doing the wrong thing.

So when I was sitting there yesterday in a similar situation, waiting for my mom to come assist me in cleaning so that we could get out of there and let the apartment people know we're out, it was just nice to come full circle. I survived Austin. Maybe not as glamoursly as I had hoped, but there ya go. I did it. I made it a whole year, and now I'm back in Dallas right where I want to be. I'm kinda proud in a weird little way.

2. Spending the night at my brother's house reminded me of when I was there in December of 2002 looking for a place to live and really just feeling totally miserable over the demise of my relationship. I spent the night at my brother's house. I slept on the sofa with Dylan, his dog, and eventually I got up to sleep on the floor in his office because it's hard to share a sofa with a huge golden retriever.

On Thursday night I did that exact same thing. At first I tried sleeping with Dylan on the sofa, but that was just hard. So I slept on the floor, with Dylan right beside me. It was good times, but it just reminded me of how far I've come. When I slept in there last time, I kept getting online every hour or so, so I could make my presence known to Matt, so I could silently scream "HERE I AM! TAALLLKKK TOOO MEEEEE!" I didn't get online once on Thursday night. I didn't get on AIM. I didn't even check my email. That's impressive to me.

3. Maudie's. My mom and my brother and I went to this fantastic mexican food restaurant and ate like total pigs. My brother took me and his ex-boyfriend (Joey!) to Maudie's when I came here for the first time on that same trip. So it seems appropriate that for my last meal in Austin, I ate at the same restuarant where I pretty much had my first meal.

That was way longer than I meant it to be, but basically the point is that things change and come full circle and end and begin and such like this. Oh, I am so philosophical.

Anyway, I'm back in Dallas. No more 200 mile trips for a while. It won't take 3 hours to get to Matt's. It'll take 15 minutes. No more gas runs in Italy, TX when traveling between Austin and Dallas. No more Sunday nights at my brother's or Thursday nights at Sarah's or awe inspiring road trips through the beautiful Austin scenery. I'm done. And that's sad, but I'm glad I'm back. I almost feel like I'm back to reality or something. That's important.

*Cue empowering woman music*

When I first came to Austin, I was a victim. I was meek, I had no confidence, and I was scared. Well, I'm still most of those things, but at least I hide it better! I know what I want. I have an idea of how to get it. I'm no longer a victim. I'm no longer the helpless girl that got dumped so long ago. I'm my own person, and I can dig it. Yeeyuh.

In completely different news, Matt and I actually went on a proper date last night! We went to a nice restaurant and had dinner, we had some ice cream at Dairy Queen, and then we saw Big Fish at the movie theater. We even held hands during the movie! Awww. Of course, we had relations before having dinner. If it were really a proper date, I guess relations would be had AFTER such things.

I know I HAVE to get over this whole "We're kinda back together" thing, as it has been like.. 8 months or something. But seriously, do you know how long it's been since we've seen a movie together? I don't actually know. I think it might have been either August or September 2002. That's a long time. That's like.. a year and a half. And Matt hates movies, so for him to suggest to actually go to one is a feat in itself.

It's the small things, damnit!

I don't know. In Austin this weekend, I was kinda trying to convince myself that it was over, he didn't care anymore, and I really need to move on. But when we were talking last night, he said he was kinda bummed that I just kinda dissapeared for 3 days and didn't talk to him at all. I didn't tell him I was going to Austin because I didn't think he cared. But you know what? I think he did care, and I think it kinda hurt his feelings a little that I didn't try to contact him at all.

So, in sum, I'm not really sure where this relationship is going, but I'm pretty sure it's not dead.

Thank you.

In yet other news, I have a job interview on Tuesday. A big one. A HUGE one. For a copy editing position. This is so what I need in my life right now, and I just hope I have what it takes to impress them. I have to spend tonight and tomorrow night studying for what is going to be on the copy editing test because really? I'm not that great with grammar, as you have probably guessed by now. So it's a good thing I kept my freshmen english textbook. I don't know why I've kept it all these years, but I knew it would come in handy someday.

Anyway, rock on. Today's the Super Bowl. I have to go to church, first of all, because I didn't go last week and I'm anxious to start a churchy routine. I'm going to my dad's to watch the ever so exciting Super Bowl so that I can do laundry and associate with my puppy friend Al.

Woot!

Just for shits and giggles...

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"I sit here and give him advice even though it kills me to hear what he's saying.. he said he had to go to her house and comfort her while she's saying stuff like she doesn't deserve him.. it kills me to envision him holding her and assuring her that she does deserve him and that he loves her and wants her to get better.. that drives me crazy. And it drives me even crazier because I sit here and tell him not to give up on her right now.. I know that's the right thing to say, but it hurts me to say it because I love him and want him all to myself and if I could just say "Damnit! Dump the crazy bitch!" that would really be nice right now."

Oh, just a sidenote: I am ashamed to say that I am completely entrhalled and sucked in by American Idol. *hangs head in shame*