baby maybe someday
September 27, 2004 Random bursts of massive outcries.

*does the being tortured by ravenous cramps on Monday morning dance*


blah blah weekend blah. Went to the farm on Friday night and had some good times there. I tried to avoid Farm Guy but he really doesn't allow me to do that. When I hadn't said hi to him after a span of like 3 seconds, he hit me on the head and said "Well don't say hi or nothin!"

I'm about 98% over that whole situation. The other 2% while remain hidden and will ultimately be destroyed.

On Saturday, Charlie and I took a nice little walk around the area. It was about 2.5 miles, and I was really proud of myself. I was really proud of Charlie too! He kept up with me and came when I called him and just did a really good job of being the most fantastic dog ever in the world.

The only bad part about the walk was the fact that I had to take a massive poop for the last mile. I thought about going behind a bush or something, but just decided to stick it out. By the time I got back to the house, oh man.. I was suffering. But I found my way to the bathroom and everything was okay again! Yay pooping.

Yesterday I saw Mr. 3000. I really liked it, but for some reason, I really do like baseball movies. I hate baseball itself, but baseball movies, let's hook it up. For Love Of the Game, Bull Durham... yeah man. The movie was also an excuse to have product placement up the ass. You couldn't escape the Pepsi and the Viagra and the Reebok, and I really personally find that to be annoying. But I guess you have to pay the bills somehow.

Before the movie, I saw a preview for Ocean's Twelve. Oh man.. I am soveryexcited about that movie. It will be my favorite movie ever.

I also saw a preview for Friday Night Lights. I am going to predict right now that soon this will be Matt's most favorite movie of all time. Texas high school football, up on the big screen for all to see? Oh yeah. It's on.

Speaking of Matt, I had a mini-breakdown yesterday that included about 5 minutes of hysterical crying. But I blame that on PMS instead of crazy depression that used to be the cause of my special breakdowns. And this one was so totally not like the ones I used to have, where I couldn't get control over myself and where I couldn't stop crying and where I was cursing God for making me live in this cruel, cruel world. Which is nice.

But for that 5 minutes that I allowed myself to have a pity party, I kept thinking, "I talk a big game, I act like it's not a big deal that Matt and I don't have it together, but when it comes down to it, I'm still a big baby, and I still want the things I've always wanted!" Which is true. But let's try not to think about that.

Last night I had dinner at my mom's. Several events happened in succession at my mommy's! First of all, I bonded with her horse. It was annoying because my mom kept trying to get between us because she thought her horse might chew my face off or some such. I realize that horses are animals and their brains don't function like ours and I wouldn't put it past her to chew my face off, but we had an understanding! I knew she wasn't going to! Because we were bonding!

Anyway. Later we had some good dinner and my stepdad decided to announce that he didn't think they could afford to have Christmas in Utah this year, which is really strange because he has money out of the ass. That, and my dad was just about to buy my plane ticket for that very purpose like, today.

I am a little sad that I don't get to stop in Vegas on the way to Utah for Christmas, but other than that, I'm actually quite relieved. I was really worried about the job situation. If the planets allign and the tides shift and such like this and I actually do get a job in the next three months, it was making me nervous thinking about telling my new boss "Hey, I know I've worked here less than 3 months, but I'm gonna take off for 4 days! I hope you don't mind!" Yeah.

There was also laundry and heavy conversations with my mom involved. I found this picture of me from 10 years ago where I was absolutely the best looking I've ever been, and I obsessed over that for a bit. If I can figure out how to scan it, I shall.

And now, it's Monday morning. I'm checking the classifieds and applying for jobs and drinking Dr. Pepper and eating sausage rolls and feeling like a sausage roll and inviting people to my birthday party in two weeks even though it doesn't look like ANYONE is going to be able to make it and have mega cramps that make me curse being a woman. And soon is October, and that makes me happy because October is always such a strange and conflicted month for me and I know things will happen and I don't know what things but things will because that's just how it works.


October 1997 - me and Matt get together.
October 1998 - I break up with Matt. (That lasted a whole month)
October 2000 - my doggie dies/Matt and I go to Reno and have unlimited good times thanks to my dad's girlfriend owning a casino.
October 2001 - Reno again.
October 2002 - Matt breaks up with me.
October 2003 - I finally get a job (at Freebirds)


And oh yeah! I get to be on the radio again! On the 11th, which is Ali-Kat's birthday, the day before my birthday, and exactly 2 years and 1 day since the last time I was on the radio. I am immensely excited about this because I consider myself to be a radio whore. WHORE!

Also, my computer situation is now solved. RIP Larry the Laptop... your motherboard is just too expensive to fix right now. I am now in possession of my dad's old laptop, as he bought a new one. So I have, of course, downloaded IMesh and have spent the morning downloading Guns N Roses and Great White songs. If thats not good times, I don't know what is.

I have to poop now.

In other news, I'm about to stab my brother's eyeballs out if he doesn't stop fucking with me on the first fucking day of my period. Fucking men. I wish they could experience the pain and suffering that a period entails.


Three years...
"4 months. 4 long long months to live in this city. Austin, the city that I love, the city where I used to feel like I belong, the city where I'm too much of a coward to really go out and enjoy. This is my dream city, yet I feel worse here than I've ever felt before. I'm wasting my time here. When I look back on my year here, I'm going to feel more dissapointment than anything else. Maybe relief, too. Relief that that part of my life is over. Completely over."

2 years...
"I am fascinated by Axl Rose. Seriously, like a deep and hardcore fascination. This isn't the fascination I had 11 years ago when I first started like him, although it might have been similar. But I'll get to that in a second. This isn't a "Wow, he's so cute and hey, he can sing too" kind of fascination. This is a total and complete fascination, a "what the hell is going through his mind" kind of fascination."

back & forth random

So be it! My last entry ever. - November 16, 2004
701 - October 17, 2004
Buh bye: An Austinliz thesis - October 03, 2004
war of the roses - October 01, 2004
fucking debate! - September 30, 2004