baby maybe someday
2003-02-03 A whole bunch of ranting up in this beyotch.

I just had an awesome work-out. A work-out so awesome that I have to tell everyone about it. So there. Consider yourself told. This was such an awesome workout that I'm kind of shaking right now from doing all the work-out stuff that I did. If that's not impressive, I don't know what is.

Now, I've been thinking about something, and this isn't a joke. This is my actual thought process. And I have to get it out here to the diary reading public.

As we all know, I haven't been able to sleep very well ever since Matt unceremoniusly dumped my ass. There's been a night or two that I got a full 8 hours of sleep without waking up once, but that's rare. And this is why:

I was denied my last nookie session with him. That's right.. I never got that "this might be the last time we ever get it on" kind of nookie, and that fucking drives me crazy. There's been so many times that I've tried to get in his pants now, it's just not funny. To me, this is the ultimate ego buster. This is the ultimate brush-off, the worst way of being denied. The boy was always horny, and very easily taken care of. Even now, if I so much as mention boobs or orgasms or anything, he takes matters into his own hands and is finished in seconds.

I guess it's important to know that I'm the first person who was ever capable of giving him an orgasm. All those blowjobs he got before me.. must have been pretty frustrating to not be able to get it done. So I take great pride in that.

So anyway. I can't sleep because I think about doing naughty things with him one last time. I think of him touching me and me touching him and most of all I think of his kiss, and the way it would feel after all these months. It would be a victory for me if I could have this. I don't think I can get over him if I don't have this. I know it's sick, but this is how I feel.

And just typing all this is making me really angry. So I'm just going to go ahead and get all this out, so we can have it out once and for all.

I'm so angry that he found someone so quickly after me. I'm so fucking mad that right after he dumps me and says "I need to be alone while I get my shit together," and then he goes and gets the girl that he almost dumped me for 2 1/2 fucking years ago! The same girl. The one that just pretty much ruined our relationship for a good 2 or 3 months, and now she's back, and even though she neglects him and refuses to call him and treats him like shit, he still refuses to break up with her. And I do understand that.. he's waited this long, and he probably sees a nice future with her once they get over this hump, but it's not fair.

Why is it so easy for him to just totally move on like that? If it were up to me, I'd live my friggin live in solitary, who gives a fuck about love and affection when all it leads to is unhappiness? But he put himself back in the game weeks after he dumped me. And now he says he misses me. Now he says that it's "probable" we'll sleep in the same bed together someday. (I asked him that last night when I couldn't sleep.. he was about to go to bed so he said, "Let's sleep together." And I was like, "Is there a chance we'll ever get to do that together again?" And he said it was fucking probable. What the fuck?) How is it probable? WHY DOES HE SAY ITS FUCKING PROBABLE? He could fucking say something like "I don't know, I guess we'll just have to see what happens." But no.. it's probable. There's a probable chance that he'll keep me around just in case he needs me someday. And chances are, I'll be here waiting because I just don't see my life without him in it.

It's not fair that he keeps me around, too. What is he going to do if he dumps her or if she dumps him? What's going to happen? Am I going to sit around here and talk to him about all his other new girlfriends, give him advice on them, listen to him when he tells me about their problems?

I don't understand. I don't know how he can be so loyal to his girlfriend that he's willing to wait another month and a half, when her roommate gets married and moves out, because that's when he thinks it'll get better. Meanwhile he's totally miserable and she's not making it any better.

I could make him happy. Maybe not right now with my jobless and friendless situation, but I could. I know what he likes, I know what he doesn't like. I know what to do to make him happy, why would he want to be in a relationship that only makes him depressed? Once I move back to Dallas I'll have all my friends there (Scott, Natalie, Chris, who's gonna make me cool, I've decided) and I'll have some kind of awesome job and what if he's with some chick and can't be with me?

I'm tired of this. I want him to do a few things for me. First of all, completely ravage me over and over during the course of 1 weekend, a weekend where we never leave the house because we're so consumed in each other. If we can't do that, I want him to fully committ himself to his relationship and tell me that he loves her, wants to work it out with her, and couldn't possibly see anything for us in the near and distant future. And then stop having cyber sex with me, stop telling me he misses me, and that's it. That's all. It's not too much to ask, I really don't think.

It just boggles my mind that boys can just so easily go on from relationship to relationship, not even taking the time to think about missing the one they left behind. Do you guys have any idea how long 5 years is? It's a fucking half a decade! It's almost 1/4 of my life! And he just goes on to the next one like it meant nothing to him. It's just so fucking retarded.

I didn't mean to get my panties in a bunch like that, but I just had to get all that out because it's driving me nuts. Nuts, I tell you.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"I follow her like a little puppy dog into the bathroom, thinking she was just going to go in a stall and change, right? Well, no. She starts stripping right in the middle of the bathroom, and woah. I'm not exaggerating when I say this chick is a hottie. A total hottie. So I was trying not to stare too much at her, but her boobs were all hanging out and she had this lacey white underwear on and good lord. I know I'm deviant, but it was hard not to be deviant when this hot chick is just stripping all over the place."

and...

"So yeah, I'm in love with BB's new truck. A 1998 red Dodge Ram. *Drool* I was following him in my car today and he just looked so sexy in his big ol truck and it was all so very exciting.

I just feel like it's my truck, too, and I know he feels the same way. For four years and four months (exactly, it's our anniversary today), he's had crappy cars with no air conditioning that rattle and make strange noises and the interior on top had to be pinned down so it wouldn't fall off and just bad thing after bad thing. And when I met him, he was living in a trailer, didn't have a job, and other such things. Now he has this kick ass truck, he has lots of different odd jobs that pay good money, he has a pretty groovy house, and everything is just great for him. This makes me happy. I've grown with him, and I hope to continue to grow with him."



back & forth random
recently...

So be it! My last entry ever. - November 16, 2004
701 - October 17, 2004
Buh bye: An Austinliz thesis - October 03, 2004
war of the roses - October 01, 2004
fucking debate! - September 30, 2004