I am literally making myself sick over this Matt thing. Like, my stomach is actually hurting because I can't seem to get over it.

He said, "Don't take it personally, nobody else is." Oh really? Did everyone else date you for 5 years? Did everyone else share every intimate detail of their life with you for 5 years? Did everyone else go on tons of roadtrips with you, go to almost every single high school football game with you, cook for you, clean for you, pee with the bathroom door open in front of you, beat you in Tetris, watch Boston Public with you, enabled your crazy food eating habit with you, spent every New Years Eve with you, bought tint for you car on your birthday for you?

The point is, why can't I be the exception? What does it say about me that he can't even talk to me anymore? What does it say about me that he doesn't even want to talk to me anymore? You would think that after so long of being so intimate, he'd want to confide in me, let me assure him that things are going to be okay.. what does it say about me that I can't make him feel better? What does that say? It makes me so sick that I can't make him better.. it makes me crazy, and it makes me feel like fucking shit.

I'm tired of this, so fucking tired of it.. like even this stupid situation is making me think of him and making me sad! Have you ever been to Ardmore, Oklahoma? Matt and I went a lot to play putt putt. There's not much out there, folks. But it was a nice variance in the routine to go to another state, play Putt-Putt and eat at Watsonburger or Taco Mayo.

I MISS HIM SO MUCH! And it's getting so fucking stupid now. 7 MONTHS! 7 months of not being together anymore. 7 months of not getting it on, having multiple orgasms together. 7 months of not going to hotels together, waking up together, watching TV together, snuggling together. It's making me sick.

And if you're saying to yourself, "Why aren't you over this, Elizabeth? He wasn't that great anyway. It's been 7 months, snap the fuck out of it." Obviously. But just think about this for a second.. he was ALL I KNEW for 5 FUCKING YEARS. Do you have any idea how long 5 years is? I'm getting myself even more worked up now.. I'm actually almost sobbing right now.. 5 years is just such a long time. I wrapped myself up in him, gave myself to him, and now he doesn't want me anymore. I would find it in my heart to just get over it if he would let me, but just as I think there's no hope, he comes along and says something like, "By the way, I miss you and I think about you all the time."

But he hasn't said anything like that in 3 weeks now. And going to my depression meeting last night really shed some light on things that I've really been denying to myself, and I think that's why I'm so upset right now. Denial is a very, very powerful thing.

And I'm genuinely worried about him.. he doesn't want to talk to anyone, he's still depressed after all this time.. I'm worried. I don't think he's hardcore enough for suicide.. especially not a week before his birthday comes.. but I am worried. I want to be there for him.. I want to take him in my arms, kiss his forehead, and make him believe that things are really going to be okay. But he wouldn't believe me, even if I did do that. And I just can't be there for him, as much I so desperately want to be.

I don't know how to get over this.. I thought I was better and maybe I am, a little bit, but it's still there, and I know it's just not going to go away. My feelings for him were just too powerful to just let go of right now. He was my shadow, he was practically all I used to live for, and now that's gone. I don't have that luxury anymore. And it's just so fucking hard to accept that sometimes.

I'm a mess. I desperately need a job but I just can't find one. I desperately need friends but even the people who are reaching out to me.. I refuse to call. There's a chick in the depression group who so obviously wants to be friends with me, but I haven't called her back for some unknown reason.

I hate myself, is what it comes down to. I have all these highs and lows.. one day I'll think that I'm so lucky, I'm losing weight and I can wear shorts now, I'm making friends, I'm learning new social skills, I'm becoming independent.. and other days, like today, I feel like I'm never going to be able to make it on my own, I have nice legs but they're all splotchy, the friends I'm making don't call me very much, and this Matt situation is making me feel desperate and crazy. The Subway chick told me I looked tired today, my number 1 pet peeve.

Why can't I get a job? Why can't I get over him? I just keep repeating to myself.. "7 months, 7 months, 7 months, 7 months, 7 months.." That's such a long time. That's much closer to a year. What if it's October and I'm still this fucked up?

I feel so hopeless right now.. I don't feel like this is a breakdown, but I feel like everything is so far away from me right now.. like everyone else has their lives in order.. a job, school, friends, boyfriends.. but I'm such a fuckup that I'm watching I Love the 80's - 1986 for like the 17th time and I need to take a shower and get started with my day, but I just.. can't. I'm destroying myself.. I feel like such a fuck up right now.

I'm sure I'll get over this soon, but right now.. it's just all so fucking hopeless.