baby maybe someday
2003-03-20 Reprioritizing

I just deleted my last two entries because I can do that.

The deal is that I have to change the way I'm going about things. I have to prioritize, I have to have a plan. I have to get right with God, I have to make friends, I have to get a job that better suits me, and I have to take everyone's advice about Matt and JUST STOP TALKING TO HIM.

They fired me, but thats okay. I just don't have what it takes to be a secretary. Maybe they didn't like the fact that I was always online or playing games or whatever, but what the hell else am I supposed to do when they don't give me anything to work on? So I need a job that:

a. Doesn't include a mean boss that doesn't say more than 3 words to me all day.

b. doesn't involve filing

c. Doesn't make me wake up at 6:30 AM

d. Utilizes my actual skills

e. etc.

I will be back on Monday with a plan. I will get my life in order, I will make it through this. This is obviously my lowest period of life in general, but I'll get through it. If I have to stay here another 7 months after my lease is up just to get it right, that's what I'll have to do.

I think it says a lot that I left a tearful voice mail for Matt over 2 hours ago and he still hasn't called me back.

That is all. I'm not going to write this weekend when I'm in Denton.. I'm just going to stay away from the computer. I wrote this long email to Matt, which I guess I'll share with you guys, and that's it. I'm finished with it. Matt is my ex-boyfriend, and people don't talk to their ex boyfriends. That's just how it is.

So I'll talk to you guys on Monday. Have a great weekend.

*****

Subj: Disregard voice mail..

Date: 3/20/2003 8:54:13 PM Central Standard Time

From: Me

To: Matt

I'm sorry I bothered you tonight.. it's wrong of me to try to bring you into my problems. That's not your job anymore, it's not your responsibility. You haven't talked to me much this week, and I should take that cue.. I should learn that I'm just not a part of your life anymore. I know you're probably back together with Lori.. or near getting back together.. hell, you were probably with her tonight.. and I just don't really play a role anymore. Besides.. I can pretend to have my shit together all I want, but I just don't. I'm far from getting my shit together. And if having my shit together is a prerequisite to be with you.. I guess I have a long way to go. I was trying so hard.. I felt like I was almost there, almost on track.. and I'm not. With the way things are going, I don't know if I'll ever be.

I have to stop depending on you.. I have to stop thinking and hoping that I'm worthy enough for your love. I love you, but that isn't enough. Sitting in Bailey with you on Sunday.. it was incredible. It was like nothing had changed. I haven't lost any feelings for you, none at all. But the problem with that is that it has to be two-sided, and I recognize that it's not.

So I'll leave you alone for a while.. I wish you the best with Lori. I hope this time around goes better for you guys, because you both deserve it. I have such good memories of us, and our 5 years together.. all the places we've been, all the experiences we've had, all the fajitas we ate, all the hotels we got it on in.. you changed me in an important way, although it just doesn't show yet. I hope that eventually we can be friends, because I don't want to lose the person who knows me inside and out, and still loved me in spite of that. You made me feel beautiful, sexy, intelligent, and most of all.. happy. Now you can give that to Lori, and I know she'll appreciate it just as much as I do.

Tomorrow I'm going to wake up and go to Denton, where I'm going to spend the weekend. Monday I'm going to start all over again, and it'll be good times.

I love you, Matthew.. I really completely and truly love you for who you are, what you've made of yourself, what you want to make of yourself, and how you affect everyone around you. You are so special, so intelligent, and there's so much you're going to accomplish in your life, we all know this. If you ever feel down, just know that there's someone out there who knows how generous, loving, intelligent and special you are.



back & forth random
recently...

So be it! My last entry ever. - November 16, 2004
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