Thankfully I have tomorrow off because I'm going to Austin for my brother's MBA graduation. A perk about working for my dad: I can take off on a Friday cuz he's going too! Yay for that. But we're leaving at 6 AM, so maybe that's not so great. I'm not driving, mainly just because I don't want to pay for gas. And because I'm soooo tired of that Dallas to Austin drive.

Anyway. I've said it so many times before, and I'll say it again: One of the biggest reasons why I love Matt is because he shows me reality.. he shows me the truth of a situation, what I'm not seeing, what I'm shielding myself from for whatever reason. Most of the time, this is bad. I don't want to deal with what he has to say, and I just go into denial. But yesterday he really did put things in perspective for me.

I went to his house and the first thing out of his mouth was something fairly rude about my outfit. I thought I look good in pink, damnit! But apparently not. And I just broke down.. I had a little crying fit after being there about 25 seconds. It wasn't about the outfit, it was just about.. everything. And I'm glad I allowed myself to have that bit of insanity, because we cuddled and he made me feel so much better.

Yes, things are not so great in my life right now, but you know what? At least I know that. At least I'm not living my life in denial anymore like I did for a while five years. At least I'm owning up to my past mistakes and I'm slowly trying to fix those things. I used to get all nervous and hive-like when anyone used to try to talk about the future with me. I just didn't want to think about it.

So, yes. Maybe I was doing better last year, but I'm doing better this year than I was 2 years ago, if that makes any kind of sense. 2 years ago I was doing absolutely nothing to prepare myself for life after college, I was still in my little "I don't care about the future because it's all going to be taken care of" haze, and that's good.

So what I'm saying is that I should be proud of myself for trying to clean up the mess I've made for myself. And I am proud of myself. I just wish I could get a better grip on that mess.

I almost see my life as two different people now... College Me, and Post-College Me. And I feel like I made such a mess of myself in college that I'm going to spend the next couple of years catching up with people who made the most out of their college years, the people I'd look at in college and maybe envy a little but think to myself "It's okay that I'm not doing that, excuseexcuseexcuseexcuse."

No more excuses. I have to deal with real life now.

I just thought I'd share that.

Oh, and man alive does the Practice rock. The last 2 episodes were total greatness.

And I still hate Clear Channel.

And today is Matt's birthday. At 26, he's kind of an old man now.

Damn Taurases.

*****

a year ago...

"And it's just so stupid, because when I think that way it takes me back a few of the steps I thought I have taken, but apparently not. It would just be so awesome.. to go there, hang out with him on his birthday, just be there for him. But I know.. it's not my job anymore, and that's because he dumped me. Not because we decided to take a break, not because I dumped him, but because he dumped me. He doesn't want me there on his birthday. So yah. Good to know."

2 years ago...

"I believed in myself. I don't so much anymore. I've lost my spark. What he and I both want is for me to regain that spark, plus the life experience and skills that I've gained throughout the 4 years since high school. Not to change, but to grow."