|baby maybe someday|
When I woke up this morning, after waiting for the movers for 3 hours, I drove to Austin.
I've driven to Austin probably more than 30 times. My brother has lived here for 10 years, and I'd visit him frequently, usually not to see him but to see Austin. There's something about the city that has always appealed to my inner rebel-bohemian woman. I would frequently comment on how I ultimately wanted to end up here. When I came here for Spring Break last year, I was sad because it would be the last time I got to visit since I wouldn't be having Spring Break anymore. Well, I remedied that problem the best way I possibly could: I moved here.
After moving in here and having some major crying issues with my asshole brother and then waiting for the movers for another 3 hours (it does NOT take 6 hours to get to Austin from Dallas! We left at the same EXACT time! What the hell is up with that? But one of the movers looked exactly like Matthew Perry, and can you really be mad at Matthew Perry?), I am calm. I am anxious. I am a little sad. I feel like I'm giving up on everything just so I can achieve my dream. I feel like I'm imposing on my whole family because it took every single one of them to help me get here.
But I am here. I have my own apartment that I will eventually pay for with my own money. I can entertain guests here, I can cook, I can run around naked and play the bongos if I wanted to. It's my apartment. It's my little space of the world.
How did I get here? Well, let's look at the timeline and visit how I got here.
Matt tells me that he's thinking about taking a bit of a break, but it has nothing to do with me. Here's a little bit of that:
He said that he may not do anything about it, but he wanted to give me a heads up. He wants to work out his problems and he knows if I was around, he'd just take it out on me. And I appreciated that, because shit happens sometimes. And over the years, I would have taken this news differently. But now, I'm almost.. apathetic. And I know that sometimes, we can't solve each other's problems, and sometimes we just have to chill out and think about things. I just want him to feel better about life in general, so if this is what he needs, he's welcome to it.
I said I was apathetic about the whole thing. Truthfully, I didn't really believe that he was going to take a break. He never managed to take one before, and I just didn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it.
The day before, me and Matt and his friend Scott (aka the FGG) went to a football game and all hell broke loose. I don't know what my problem was, but I was a bitch the entire night. So much so that Matt pretty much decided then and there that it was time to break up. He told me when I last saw him last week that he wasn't going to break up with me until that night. So I guess I kinda fucked things up myself.
"The bottom line is that he wants to see what will happen if he doesn't have me as a crutch. He wants to have a situation where I'm not there so he has to get up out of his comfortable situation and see what else is happening in the world. And you know.. I need to do that too. I need to see what it's like when I don't have the excuse, "Oh, I can't, I'm hanging out with BB." Because that is an excuse I've been carrying around for a long, long time.
So, if this actually does happen, if we do actually take a month or two off from each other, I don't see it as totally bad. I will miss him, but I'll also figure out what it's like when I have to find things to do on my own. Crutches are bad. I want to learn how to walk on my own.
I write Matt an email about how I've always wanted to stay here for him, how I've been a martyr because I believed in our relationship.
"And what is my point? My point is that I do want to get the hell out of here, but I believe in us. I believe that we have something together that should be able to outlast a few months apart, but I know that you're getting older and you are aching for a family. I don't want to leave for a few months and come back to see you with someone else. I want to someday live in that house that you're going to buy soon. I want the puppy room. I want pictures of us together with our kid in the middle. I want our kids to go to Plano East games with us, and then someday we can go see them as the quarterback or the cheerleader, and we can wear their pin on our hats. And it's not because you've been around so long that I just don't want to get rid of you. It's because I love the qualities that I see in you. I love your intelligence and your common sense and even your work ethic, because you'll do whatever you have to do to get it done. I love how you've made so much out of yourself, and how when you decide to do something, nothing is going to get in the way of it happening.
And he wasn't too impressed by that. Here's what he had to say:
"The point of this I suppose is that this time is to identify ourselves. We might not be compatible. We might be more compatible.. but whatever that compatibility should be should be naturally. I'm not going to do tomorrow what I did yesterday just because it's what I did yesterday anymore. It's time to develop more real schemas of personality for me anyways..
So, yes.. look in Austin, look in Vegas.. life is a marathon, not just a race. If we walk a mile instead of run a few miles or so.. it doesn't mean the marathon is over. I don't like ruling anything in or out.. And neither should you. What I'm worried about is you focusing on the negative of us not seeing each other as much and letting it cloud the millions of positives. And finding ourselves is one of the biggest positives you can have.
While taking a shower I decided that I wanted to move to Austin. It made sense to me - my brother lives here, it's not that far from Dallas, it's the city that I've always dreamed of living in, right? So I tell BB. He tells me it's a good idea. I tell my mom. She says it's a good idea. From that moment, I know this is what I'm going to do. And I know it's the right thing to do.
This is long, and I'm in the "computer lab" thingie of my apartment, and I need to get to unpacking, so I'll finish this tomorrow.
I was sad when I first got here. I was crying. But things are going to be different now. I LIVE IN AUSTIN! That's so exciting to me. I'm alone right now, but soon I will be surrounded by new people, new experiences, new relationships. I miss Matthew like a son of a bitch, of course. I wish he'd come here tonight and spend the night with me just to show me that it's okay, just to hold me and reassure me that I'll make it just fine. When I was scared about going to college he told me, "You'll be fine. And if you aren't, we'll get through it together." He isn't telling me that this time. It's a little scary.
But I am strong, whether I want to believe it or not. I am. And I'm gonna make it here.
To be continued.
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So be it! My last entry ever. - November 16, 2004
701 - October 17, 2004
Buh bye: An Austinliz thesis - October 03, 2004
war of the roses - October 01, 2004
fucking debate! - September 30, 2004