I think the worst part of it is that today is really the first day that I let myself believe that it's really and truly over between us. Last night's conversation just really showed me that. Sure, there's that remote chance that someday I'll be such a kick ass person that when I move back to Dallas there's going to be an instant connection between us, but I can't let myself believe that's going to happen.

This morning when I woke up.. it was so horrible.. I felt like total shit. But this is good. This is productive. I don't think we'll be talking again any time soon, not unless he initiates it. I have nothing to talk to him about anymore, so that's good. And I'm tired of him taking advantage of the fact that I would do absolutely anything for him. If he wanted me to crawl back to him on my hands and knees, I probably would have done that.

It's just so painful. He told me everything he missed about me last night, and it just made me so sad because I miss all that too. What made me the saddest was that he said "I miss seeing someone completely comfortable around me." And oh my god.. I miss that so much. We could say and do anything around each other. There were farts and burps and we'd go to the bathroom without closing the door and I could look like total shit around him and he'd still think I was sexy. I don't want that with ANYONE else. I want it with him, and I can't have it.

This whole 3 months has been hard but I feel like today is the worst of it. After today, I'm going to move on. I'm going to find a job somewhere, damnit. I'm going to my small group at church tomorrow night, I'm going to do things that place me in events where I would make friends. My personal trainer, Kyle, is going to whip my ass into shape. I met with him today and I have complete confidence that by May, I will have lost 30 pounds. It'll be hard, and it's not going to be fun, but damnit, I'm going to do it. I even went ahead and joined Matchmaker.. it was one of the most depressing things I've ever done because it was like admitting to myself and everyone else that I am single.

It's over, I no longer have this person in my life, and now I'm going to have to take major steps to deal with it.

When he listed all those things that he missed about me last night, I asked him, "don't you want those things too?" and he said, "I do, but I can't right now." And I just have to take that and run with it. And it just makes me so motherfucking miserable that sometimes I don't even know how to handle my own fucking pain.

I even talked on the phone to Chris for 40 minutes today, just crying and having him say that he knows exactly how it feels. I haven't talked on the phone for 40 minutes with someone since I was 16.

Today really really really sucks. But now that I'm acknowledging to myself and my surroundings that it's over, and that I'm not going to talk to him, maybe it'll just get better from here. It has to, right? Because if it doesn't, I don't know. I already feel totally destroyed, and I don't know if I could really sink any lower.

I really hope that this is rock bottom. It can't get any worse than this, right? No friends, no job, pining over someone who doesn't want me anymore? Please tell me that it doesn't get worse than this, because I don't know if I can handle it.

Anyway.. Coldplay awaits.