I'm preparing myself for the worst in the Matt situation. The decision time is coming closer.. it may have already been made, I don't know.. I'm the last person to know these things. I talked to a counselor from my church yesterday, and it was nice. Talking to a diary is one thing, but to get all my feelings out to a real person.. that's good times. And it just made it abundantly clear that I need to get my head out of my ass here. I'm waiting for someone to choose me, but he's only going to choose me if the other girl doesn't want him. I'm the second choice. And it's wrong for me to be okay with that.

I know all that.. I know everything there is to know about what I should do, and how I should feel, and what I should be saying to him, but I'm not doing any of that. I'm so totally and completely in love with him, I see a future filled with road trips and cuddling and happy times.. that my eyes are clouded, and I can't do anything about it. I'm paralyzed.

But I have been rehearsing what I'll say to him when I find out they're back together. I won't be bitchy, I won't freak out.. at least not so he can see it. I'll just tell him that I can't talk to him for a while, and maybe after I've spent some time getting my life back together, we can be friends. Because really.. 5 years is a long time to spend your life with someone. I don't want to lose him forever, but I'll have to lose him for a little while while I work on myself.

It's such a shitty situation. I have to keep reminding myself that even when we were together, I was doubtful about our relationship sometimes. I wasn't sure if he was right for me. And I'm still not 100% sure.. we still struggle to find things to talk about when we eat dinner together. That's a big problem. And I really need to find a way to focus on being in Austin. This is what I wanted, and I'm about to fuck it up just like I fucked college up. I really need to re examine my priorities here, you know?

I'm sad. I'm not depressed, I'm not happy, I'm not angry.. I'm just sad.

In other news.. I was a little irritated that as part of Hardcore March, I can't rent any movies, and 8 Mile is out now. So I just went and bought it. Creative problem solving rules!

In the what I was doing a year ago feature today, I tell you why I am in love with Austin. If that's not good times, I don't know what is.

I have to go to work now. Yay fish.

******

What was Liz doing a year ago?

Anyway.. I'm now going to launch into Austin: A Love Story. Because I'm a dork.

The first time I went to Austin was when I was 12, and my brother was 18. It was time for him to head off to college, and he had picked the University of Texas. We all packed up the Suburban and made the 3 hour trip.

I fell in love with it right away. I was fully into my rebellious Guns N Roses stage of life at the time, and Austin appealed to me in that way. I liked the college and the people and everything about it. It was good times.

I should have taken that more seriously. I really should have said to myself, "You really want to go here, you should get good grades and strive to be the best you can so you can end up here!" But no. I didn't. Anyway.

I've been there every year since I was 12, sometimes more than once. And I feel like it's my place of destiny.

Other Austin memories I have: I went there for a journalism conference my junior year in high school. I was dating Psycho Boy at the time, and he was being psycho about me going because my kinda ex boyfriend was going too. Well, it turned out he had a reason to be a little jealouos, because me and the kinda ex got a little cuddly and flirtacious. In fact, we made everyone else on the trip sick with all our affection. I think I did that because I was so tired of being in a psycho relationship.

I also fell in love with UT more on that trip, cuz I took some journalism classes there that weekend. It was awesome, I was so in love with that friggin school.

When I got back from that trip, I got my first car. That doesn't really have anything to do with anything, but I just thought it was cool.

The next time I went was in July of 97, when my mom had finally had enough of me and BB's relationship. Which was good, because I had a bag packed and was just about to run the hell away from there anyway. This relationship had gotten to a really bad point. I was fired from my job because I was always late, due to him keeping me on the phone and threatening me if I left and all this other wierdo stuff. So my mom decided enough was enough and she sent me to Austin with my brother for a week.

That was good. I wrote poetry and hung out and saw movies and bonded with my brother. That was when he first told me he was gay. Before that, believe it or not, I had no clue.

Anyway, I like Austin. I think I'm getting over the whole soulmate city thing, though. When I was over by UT and looking at the University of Texas shirts, it seemed like "North" was missing in there somewhere. UNT sounds better than UT, right? Right?!

But I dig it. I have my own little routines when I go there. One of them is getting supremely lost on the maze of highways they have over there, but I usually can find my way back.

I'm going to shut up now.