I really hate Saturdays.

Even when it's scarily sunny outside and almost 60 degrees and I can do whatever I want today, I still hate it. During the week I'll be okay and happy and content, but on Saturday.. all bets are off.

I hate it. I hate being here when Matt is in Dallas, probably making plans with his woman, probably cuddling with her and laughing with her and doing all kinds of crap with her. I tried to claim a moral victory for myself because when I talk to him, he tells me about her flaws instead of what he likes about her. He says she thinks of herself last, she's so busy, she barely has any time for him. She's in a choir and blah blah blah.. but last night in the middle of watching The Hours I realized something. The things that drives him crazy about her are probably the things he most loves about her, too. He also tells me "She has her shit together, she's about to get a PHD, she got dumped out of a 7 year relationship with the guy she lost her virginity to, and she has it worse than you."

Yeah, I get the point. She has her shit together after being dumped, I was dumped because I didn't have my shit together. And I shouldn't be claiming victories for something I have no control over. And I have to realize that even if their relationship isn't perfect, he's still willing to try to make it work. Of all the times I've said "But you're in love with her!" he never argued. He never once said "I'm not in love with her, I barely know her." They've been dating for 2 months, and he loves her, and that makes me crazy.

He IMed me this week out the blue just to say he missed me. What does he miss about me? Does he miss the nookie because he aint gettin any from the preacher's daughter? What does he miss? I miss him so much. I miss the way he used to touch me, and the way he had so much fucking faith in me, and EVERYTHING.

And it's so stupid. The whole thing is just.. stupid. Because the whole 5 years I was with him, there were always things that bugged me. Things that made me think, the whole entire time, that we weren't meant to be. But I ignored them because he was so generous and could be so loving and he has a big heart.. and it drives me crazy that someone else gets to have that.

I know it'll get better. It has been getting better, it really has. But Saturday comes along and makes me feel like it's 2 months ago and I'm back right where I started. Like I've regressed or something.

I hate this. I hate him for loving someone else. And I hate myself for not being able to stop thinking about it, over and over, all the time. Thinking about what actually happened to bring them together. How he asked her to be his girlfriend. Them hanging out and going on dates. Her bonding with his mom, his roommate's daughter that used to love the crap out of me. This is what I think about. And I hate it.