baby maybe someday
October 09, 2003 Seriously...

Okay, I feel like I owe you guys a serious entry. A deep one, that talks about my feelings. Do you guys really want to know about my feelings?

*silence*

*crickets chirping*

Okay then.

1. Lately I have been overcome with a passionate sense of lazyness. Like.. it's overflowing out of my body, and I have no idea why. It's like I want to be unemployed for the rest of my life. I hate being unemployed.. I hate depending on others for my monetary situation, yet I put myself in this situation. It's been almost 3 months and yet I'm still here, half assing the job looking situation.

Here's what the past week has been like: Wake up around 9:30, do whatever I need to do in the morning, look for a job for about 2 or 3 hours in the most half assed way possible, go home, take a nap until 5:30, watch a West Wing rerun until 7, watch MTV or whatever else is on until 8:30, work out until 10, go home and listen to Loveline until 12, go to bed. That's no way to live, and I know that. In my heart and in my mind, I know that. But it's a continuing cycle, and it refuses to end because I refuse to get off my ass.

This HAS to stop. It's driving me crazy! Why do I feel like I deserve to act this way? It's crap.

My apartment is deathly dirty. So is my car. I slept so much today that I forgot I had to volunteer today, and I completely missed it, didn't even call or anything. The flowers that my dad sent me via Fed-Ed this morning are still in my car, dying as we speak. I have become the absolute worst version of myself, and I can't stand it. But I can stand it enough not to change it, which is even more disturbing.

2. I am going to Dallas this weekend. I want to say I am going "home" this weekend, but I hesitate to call it "home".. Austin is truly "home" right now, although I've never really treated it like my "home".. it sucks. I feel out of place. I don't know where I should be.

But anyway. I'm going to my dad's tomorrow, and I'm happy that I'm going, don't get me wrong. My old childhood bed (the one I lost my virginity in and such) is there, and I'm looking forward to having a pleasant night's sleep in that. And all my puppy dogs are there, too. But my dad is there. And I know he's going to give me unbelievable amounts of shit for not having a job by now. And.. well.. I probably deserve it. I probably deserve it a lot. So I should go, grin and bear it, listen to what he has to say, and move on.

I really need to take this weekend to get my shit together. I will turn 24 on Sunday, and maybe I can take that as a launching point. 23 has been the oddest and probably crappiest year of my life, so maybe I can see 24 as a new page, a good chance to start over again, a chance to really get it in gear. I'm running out of chances here.

I'm probably going to hang out with Scott, too. I haven't seen him since February and I'm hankering for a good old fashioned night of movies and SNL and porn-talk. It should be good times.

3. As for a non serious point, Friends was kinda corny tonight except for the Rachel-Joey angle. That whole Ross getting a tan bullshit was just dumb.

And I'm kinda glad Rachel and Joey aren't working out. They don't do much for me.

I just thought I'd share that.

4. And speaking of just not working out.. I think this is pretty much the end of me and Matt. It really sucks, too. There was 8 months of craptasticness between us, we finally get it back together, and then they totally fell apart again. It was such a fantastic 2 months, too. He was so great there, for a while. It's such a shame that this crap is going on now.

I haven't talked to him since Sunday. I've decided that if he can't even make time for me on my birthday, then I shouldn't bother with him. My psychologist really brought this point home.. he was totally appalled when I told him about it, and in return, I got even more appalled. I deserve more than this shit.

And I do suppose it's my fault, in part, that it has come to this. I have let him believe that no matter how shitty he treats me, I will always return. I want to say that I won't return anymore, not after this. I'd like to say that, but I'm not sure if it's true. But I do know that if he doesn't acknowledge my birthday, I'm going into apathy overdrive. No more of this crap.. I can't take it anymore. I can't let him think that he has free reign over our relationship anymore.

It hurts, but not as much as it used to. At least we had those awesome 2 months together before it all fell apart again. And why did it fall apart? All because I told him that I was depressed, offically diagnosed by a doctor. If he checks out now instead of sticks in there and deals with this.. it doesn't give me much hope for the future.

So, that's that. At least for now.

5. I have a flaming case of the poops right now, and I think it's because I'm about to get my period again. So, that's great. Even if Matt did get his head out of his and wanted to see me this weekend, I won't be getting any. Fun.

It got so bad that in the middle of working out, I had to stop doing the elliptical thingie and I had to run to the bathroom to release the biggest bomb of poo in the whole world.

I just KNOW that you were DYING to know that.

6. I have some body issues going on right now. Pretty much, I hate my body. I don't see any results from working out so hardcore for the past couple of months. My butt is still so big that I have to keep pulling my shirt over it. My thighs and hips are grotesquely huge. I don't get it. And it's wearing on me, and it's driving me crazy.

I think that's all the bitching I'm going to do tonight. I want to go lie on my bed and listen to Lovelines with Marilyn Manson.

I know these are all things I can fix, but it's like I'm stuck.. I can't get my head out of my ass long enough to fix these fucking things. I hate myself sometimes, I really do. I hate myself the most because it seems like it would be so simple to change these things, yet I can't. I just can't do it.

I suck.

But, in good news, I know what I'm doing for Nanowrimo now! Aren't you excited?!

I ressurected my old story page and read the story I'm gonna base my Nanowrimo thingy on. There's a lot of problems with that particular story, and it's kinda short, so my story is gonna be long and drawn out with vampires and scary thingies and I'm really excited about it. It's so out of the realm of the stories I'm used to writing, and that's cool. I can dig that. Stretching my creativity, that's awesome. Awww yeah.

Okay. The longest entry ever, indeed.

*****

a year ago...

"I just got off the phone with Crazy Friend. She's so great. I mean, really.. the girl knows how to make someone feel good about themselves. I told her that, and she was like, "It's all Jesus, Lizziebear. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't do it on my own." So, yay for Jesus and such. "

2 years ago...

"Well, last night I learned why alchohol isn't really my friend. It seduced me with it's tequila-laced perfumed inner thigh, and I was powerless in its presence. It had me feeling the desired effects for about 5 minutes ("Oooh, look at the pretty moon! Oooh, look, I can't walk very well! Oooh, look, I'm laughing obnoxiously!") and then, within minutes after that, I was left feeling like shit, while the alchohol took off running into the night, off to torture some other fool who never drinks. If you listen closely, you can still hear its laughter. "Muahahahahah! Muahahahaha! Muahahahah!"



back & forth random
recently...

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