baby maybe someday
2003-03-18 Set me free...

This entry brought to you by "That time of the month."

There is about to be a whole stream of consciousness bullshit entry about to be up in here. I'm going to talk about what I want to talk about, and you know what? I don't want advice, I don't want you to tell me what to do, and I don't want you to tell me how pathetic I am. I've gotten so much advice from so many people that I'm fucking drowning in the shit. The problem with advice is that it only works if you take it, and I don't want to take it.

I have a lot of things to say, so here it is.

Hardcore March has gone to hell. My diet has gone to hell. After finally feeling like I got on track with the losing weight thing, I fuck it all up. It's been fucked up for a week now. I haven't even worked out. Last night I went to the gym and told Kyle that I couldn't handle a personal training session because I was "too depressed." More about that later. I am scared.. all the other times this has happened, I've completely abandoned my diet. I need to get it back on track, I need to get my shit together.

But my shit is so far from being together its not even funny. I don't know what is wrong with me, there's just so many things. What does a normal secretary do during the day? I answer the phone, I file, I copy, I distribute, I do all that shit. But there's 8 hours to fill, and about 7 hours of that time today was spent doing absolutely nothing. I played some of the games that are on the computer.. I scored over 500 on the yahtzee game, woohoo. Other than that, nothing. All I could do was think about Matt, torture myself about Matt, wonder about Matt, hate Matt, hate myself.

I am not normal. I can't do things right.. I fuck the most simple things up. Some people might find it quirky, I find it annoying. What is wrong with me? Why do I keep letting him do this to me? If I had come to Austin and just avoided talking to him, by now, almost 3 months later, I'd probably be so much better off. I'd probably have the will to get off my ass and do something about my life.

Sure, I have a job, but it's a joke. Nobody gives a fuck about me. Nobody wants me to come to lunch with them, nobody wants me to be a part of their life. I met their old secretary on Friday.. everyone loved her. Everyone wanted to hug her and know all about her life and everything like that. I know it's been only 2 weeks, but I feel like I deserve more.. something. But I guess I should earn it first. That would probably be a good idea.

And Matt.. fucking Matt. If he would have just left me alone.. if he would just tell me flat out there's no future for us.. if I wouldn't have seen him on Sunday... if if if if. The last time I saw him before Sunday was fine. We had lunch for an hour, we had one hug, and that was it. It was like we were just friends, that was all, and it was okay. It sucked, but I felt like everything was going to be okay. Then Sunday comes along and it gives me this outrageous hope.. this feeling that things can be good for us again.

My mom tried her hardest to put me in my place when I talked to her last night. I told her that nothing has died between us, that there's still so much spark and love and feelings, and she said, "Hello! Something has died between you or else he wouldn't have another girlfriend!" I don't want to hear that. But it's true.. he has her. And he's keeping me around in case she doesn't work out.

The decision time is coming up on Saturday, really. That'll be a month since they decided to take a month off. These are the things that can happen:

a. She tells him that she thought a lot about stuff this month and she doesn't think they should stay together.

b. She tells him that she loves him and wants to make it work and that it was the longest month of her life.

c. She tells him she loves him and wants to make it work, but he says that he loves me and wants to work it out with me.

Obviously C isn't going to happen because obviously he's too much of an asshole to actually do that. And when it really comes down to it, how selfish am I? How can I sit here and hope to God that she doesn't want him back just so I could possibly have one more shot with him? It would obviously make him happy to be with her for some reason, and why can't I accept that? Why can't I get it through my tiny little mind that he wants to be happy with someone else?

Fuck Sunday. Sunday was crap. Maybe I'm making too much out of what happened, although when it was happening it seemed like a big deal. I KNOW he felt it. It wasn't just lust, god damnit, it was genuine feelings of love.

Why do I keep doing this to myself? I am fucking up my Austin experience. I am fucking it all up. I was supposed to come here to forget about him, now all I think about is getting back together and how it would feel to be able to kiss him again, to be able to tell him that I loved him before I went to bed, to have him call me at work just to say he was thinking about me, to celebrate holidays together, to visit my parents together, to have my family ask about him, to be able to actually go inside his house.. I want that.

I want what we had on Sunday. I want lazy Sunday afternoon drives. I want the feelings that were between us, I want the dinner at On the Border, I even want to sit there in his truck while we drive along listening to the Mavericks game. I was content to be there with him. I was looking at the clock in his car hating every second that went by, because it was one less second that I could be with him.

Selfish or not, that's what I want. And I don't understand why he doesn't want it, too. The thought that he doesn't want, and may never want it.. it hurts me to no end. I try not to even think about it. Denial is a powerful tool. I just think.. she won't make him happy. She's different.. she's a busy person, she does a lot of stuff, she has a lot of committments, and she doesn't make time for him around her schedule.. I would do that.. I would make him a vital part of my life while still fulfilling all my other obligations.. and I just don't get why he doesn't want that.

It tears me up inside and outside and I feel like I'm cracking up. Kyle had to pull me into a little room last night at the gym to talk to me, and I cried while on the phone with a complete stranger today. She is a counselor with the church, and I cried when I told her how lonely I was. I'm going to meet her tomorrow at Central Market, where once again I'll end up crying in public.

I want my shit together. I want it together so bad, but he keeps pulling me back. He keeps giving me hope, and when I call him on it, he says "I'm sorry for being optimistic." He can afford to do this. He has someone else. He has a life, he has his own network of work and school and friends, and I have nothing but a stupid motherfucking job and nothing but time to think about my problems.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm lost. I'm so lonely. I get wet when my ex-boyfriend hugs me. All I want is his love.. I feel like I could accomplish so much here if I knew he was behind me 100%.

My mom says I just need to work and find some friends, and everything else will happen when I least expect it. I didn't expect to meet Matt that day at Angie's house.. I didn't expect to fall in love with him.. I expected to be single my senior year of high school, I expected to go somewhere far away for college. I don't know how to not expect anything.. I don't know how to function in life. I'm a reject, and there's no place for me here. I'm socially retarded and I offer nothing to the human race. The only reason why I'm still here is because I have such a supportive family. Otherwise.. I'd be gone. There's no reason to be here.. I hate everything so much. I hate myself so much.

Okay, I'm finished now. Not really.. I still have so much more to say. But I'm hurting.. and I want to go watch 8 Mile at my brother's house.

back & forth random
recently...

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701 - October 17, 2004
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fucking debate! - September 30, 2004