*shakes head*

Anyway. I am driving myself crazy today.

On one hand, this whole argument between us started because I was angry he wasn't coming to see me this week. He even said he would come next week because he was meeting with his boss over here, but that even made me more mad. He only comes when he has someone else to see? That doesn't seem right to me. So I got mad. And he got mad that I got mad.

So, I guess I'm willing to concede that maybe freaking out about that wasn't totally necessary. But then I keep thinking "sex and companionship, sex and companionship," over and over again, and it seems like I did the right thing. He can get those two things from anyone. I like to think that sex and companionship is only a few of the things we recieve from each other. I know I've just said this so many times and we're all tired of it, but 5 years, people. 5 long years, 5 long years of being together and sharing experiences and all that crap, and now it's just down to sex and companionship?

But maybe I was wrong. Maybe I got my panties in a wad. I don't know. I haven't cried since I told him I didn't want this anymore. (Well, I did cry a little, but that was when I was watching a particularly sincere moment at the end of a West Wing rerun this morning) I haven't talked to him since then. I haven't written him a tearful email saying I'm sorry. I'd like to think I wasn't wrong. I go over this conversation we had last night and I think, "Well, that wasn't SO bad, he defines companionship as enjoying our time together, and we enjoy nookie together too, so what's really wrong with that?"

But deep down, I know it wasn't that conversation that brought this on. It's been everything. The disrespect. The knowledge that if we do get married, our life together will be much different than the life I had growing up, and I'm not so sure I want that. The fact that he is up until 5 in the morning every single day and doesn't wake up until 2. The fact that he doesn't plan on ever getting a real job if he can help it. The fact that my family basically hates him. The fact that he has never really treated me the way that I feel I deserve.

The simple fact is that I have loved him through every single period of our relationship. I loved him when he loved someone else. I loved him when he had nothing. I loved him when he had everything. I loved him through everything, and I feel like I deserve something for that. I deserve more of him. I deserve more than "sex and companionship."

I asked him last night, do you not have any love for me at all? He said that of course he loved me, but it's not the kind of love I want.

And he's right. It's never been the kind of love I wanted. I dealt with it because I loved him, and I thought maybe someday I'd get what I deserve. Well, I still haven't. I'm still waiting.

I want to talk to him. I want him to fight for me. But I'm leaving it up to him. If he wants it, he has to come get it. I'm not going to make it easy for him if I can help it.

It's not about sex and companionship. It's about everything. It's about all the little things that have always bothered me. I have to keep that in mind.

Phttt.

My mom said, "Are you dealing with this?"

Well yes, I'm dealing with it. I've been dealing with it for the past 14 months. Except now it's on my terms, and that's what matters. I did this. He didn't. He would have been happy with sex and companionship. I am not happy with sex and companionship. I like to think that 6 years of knowing each other brings on a little more then sex and companionship.

But what do I know?

The letter I wrote a year ago to him seems to say a lot more than I can right now.

*****

a year ago...

"An open letter to my fuck assiest Ex Boyfriend BB:

You have given up on us. You took 5 years worth of history, of good times and bad, of kisses and hugs and snuggles and laughter and tears and confusion and anger and happiness.. you took 5 years and just threw it all away.

I used to have so much faith in you. I used to idolize you. You are strong. You are smart. You made me feel safe in my world. You made me feel like I was exempt from all the rules. You made me feel like nothing could ever affect me as long as you were in my life.

You made me think it was okay to abandon everything in my life but you, and then when you abandoned me, what do I still have left?

We both know I'm barely graduating. We both know it's going to be hard for me to find a job because the only experience I have is 4 months of working at a college newspaper, when everyone else has had at least 1 internship. We both know that I am the laziest son of a bitch around, and we both know that was perpetuated by you.

Do you know how scared I am of my future right now? I am so fucking scared. I thought we were going to get married. I thought we were going to raise healthy children that would never in their whole lives have to call Loveline to complain about the fact they only get horny off furry animals because their dad left when they were 3 years old. And now I have to chance that. I have to go out, meet new people. I have to find someone that won't be anything like you. I have to find someone that will touch me, kiss me, love me, and it won't be you. That makes me want to fucking cry just thinking about it. I have to find someone else. I don't want to. I thought it was going to be you, I really did.

I'm so scared. I'm so fucking vulnerable. I've lost you. I keep trying to talk to you and you have nothing to say. I can't stand this.

If I really force myself to look at it, I know it probably wasn't the best thing for me anyway. You never loved me the way I was capable of loving you. You could never committ to me, it was too much for you. We have different ways of loving, and we just weren't compatible. I should have realized this before, and not 5 years after I threw myself into a relationship that was never going to work.

I hope.. I don't know what I hope. I don't know whether I should love you or hate you right now. But that's the way it's always been, why should it change now?