baby maybe someday
September 12, 2003 Liz talks about her shame spiral.

I know this is like the millionth entry this week, but yeah. Deal with it.

I just feel so.. unstable. And I have never EVER felt this way before. Sure, when Matt broke up with me, I felt the inner rumblings of it. But now.. now I feel like I've let it get out of control, much like everything else in my life.

I'm going to write all this, and I don't want advice. I've gotten plenty of that over the past couple of days, and I get it. I'm kinda taking it, in a way. But let me just say this.

I've been thinking about the way Matt has been treating me. About not wanting me to go to the football game. About not wanting to be there for me when I feel like I need him the most. And I was just going to ignore it. I was just going to not call him or talk to him until he initiated contact, but when I was driving to the farm today, I decided that I needed to talk to him. I needed to find out what was going on. What did I do wrong? I just really can't understand.

We did not have a pleasant conversation. He said that he refuses to discuss anything "important" with me until I have been taking my pills. He's basically making me feel like a mental patient. He's basically making me feel like I'm not capable of holding a serious discussion until I am under the influence of drugs. And I really don't appreciate that. I told him.. "When I'm better, I'll remember the way you treated me when I was down."

When I hung up the phone today, I cried. I wailed, I screamed, and I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. And I was driving. On the highway. In the rain. And it reminded me of the day after I graduated, going to the farm and crying when I was listening to classical music because I missed the man I loved so much. Why do I have to love him this much? Why do I have to love him so much that I'd sacrifice my happiness for him?

Ugh. I hate him. I HATE HIM. I have never felt so fucking crazy in my life. Where did this come from? I thought I was doing okay, and then the past couple of weeks have kinda trucked along, and BOOM! I suddenly feel like I'm going down a spiral of self-pity and shame and hatred and regret. I thought that I was over the hardest part. I thought that since I had Matt back, and I had lived through the past year of my life, everything was going to get better. You know how I feel now? I feel like this is just the beginning. I feel like I have such a long and tired and hard road ahead of me, and I feel like I should have the person that I have loved for so long next to me on this road.

But he's on the other side of the road, watching the cars pass by. He's not willing to dodge the cars to come and get me. Why? Have I not been there for him for 6 years? Have I not lived up to my promises to him? What did I do to be treated this way? I don't get it. And I know when all of this is over, I'll just go back to him for more pain. My problem is that I'm not looking at the present. I just see the future. I see what it will be like in 5 years when I'm happy and we're married and going on vacations and raising our babies. *sigh*

I was thinking about it last night. I've always said that I love him because he tells me the truth.. he shows me things that I refuse to see myself. But that's all he does. He offers no resolution, he just brings the problems up to the surface for me to obsess over. And why should I have to thrive on that? What is it that makes me come back for more of that total bullshit? I don't understand. It's like I'm addicted to feeling like shit. It's like I WANT to feel bad about myself. I don't understand.

I REMEMBER what it was like, those first couple of months after Matt dumped me. I was terrified. I was moving to a new place, graduating, doing something completely different without him by my side. I remember. I remember what it was like to wake up and cry and feel completely out of control. I feel that way now, but it's worse. It's worse because I thought it was better, and it's 10 times worse.

I don't know. I've read and heard and talked to people who have been depressed, and I've always thought, "Thank God I've never been that bad." But now I am. I don't know how to act around people. I don't know how to act around myself. I am a different person right now. Matt won't even have a serious conversation with me right now because apparently I'm just not the same person he fell in love with.

What's up with that? Just because I'm different, just because I'm not the fucking SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD with big boobs and nice legs who couldn't care less about him when I first met him, I'm not good enough anymore?

Anyway. I have to go now. Family duties, I suppose. But seriously.. this is just the beginning. I thought it was the end. And it's not. And I don't know how I'm going to get through it.

It hurts. It hurts unimaginably bad.

If anyone wants to nominate this entry for "Most melodramatic piece of crap of all time," please, go right ahead.

back & forth random
recently...

So be it! My last entry ever. - November 16, 2004
701 - October 17, 2004
Buh bye: An Austinliz thesis - October 03, 2004
war of the roses - October 01, 2004
fucking debate! - September 30, 2004