I just feel so fucking pathetic tonight. So completely and utterly lonely and friendless and just.. pathetic. I just IMed Matt for absolutely no reason other than "to say hi", obviously hoping it will lead into that one conversation I hope to have with him at some point where he says "I give up, I have to have you and I'm coming to Austin right now even though it's raining, I won't get there until possibly 11:00 and you have to go to church tomorrow and yeah."

I called my dad back after he left a message, and for some reason, I just started crying in the middle of Borders when I called him. I told him I was lonely and that made the tears fall.

I am lonely. I am so desperately and achingly lonely. Why did I think I could come to Austin and be anything but who I already am? I'm already starting to wonder about what's so god damn great about this city anyway. Sure, there's some groovy people walking around, but what the fuck? I could go to Central Market and Borders and the movie theater in fucking Dallas, what's so fucking great about Austin? I know I used to love this place and everything about it and say that it was my destiny, but really, what's so wonderful about it? I want to go home. I want to fucking go home to my mommy and my daddy and my puppy and everything else.

It's just so goddamn fucking hard. It's so hard to go through life with someone for so many years, sharing so much with them, sharing every detail with them, and then they just... leave you. You are intimate with them, you make plans with them, you build your fucking life around them. We traveled together.. we went to new countries together. Sure, it was just Mexico and Canada, but that counts! We practically used to live together. We cooked together, we planned our lives together. He knew everything about me, and now.. he's just gone. A future without him really makes me want to fucking dissapear. I loved him so much, and he loves someone else, and even if they aren't together anymore, even if they're having problems.. he's passionate about her. He said he was so angry yesterday he ran 3 miles, and he was never so passionately angry about me. And this is a girl he's been dating for a month.

It is so.. fucking.. hard. And please don't sign the guestbook telling me that it's just going to take some time. Well, I'm giving it time, it's been almost 3 fucking months and I feel just as fucking bad as I did the day I woke up and discovered that it was over. And I'm trying to talk to Matt and it is the most crap assiest conversation ever because I'm acting like a crackwhore and he couldn't care less:

Me: Hi.

Him: Hi.

Me: I don't really have anything interesting to say, I just wanted to say hi, I guess.

Him: Well, Hi.

Me: Hi.

Me: I passed by Packsaddle Pass street today. It made me sad.

Him: Packsaddle Pass!

Me: What am I doing in Austin?

Me: I don't like it here.. I miss my mommy and my daddy and my puppy.

Him: Aww..

And that's all. Over the past 10 minutes, and that is fucking all.

I know if he's having issues with his woman than my issues are the furthest thing from his mind, but I can't fucking accept that. He was in this god damned relationship too, I wasn't the only one. Just a week ago he was telling me how much he missed me and how he hoped we could be good friends and how much our time together meant to him, and now he just couldn't fucking give a shit.

I don't know how to deal with this. I don't understand why I thought coming to Austin was just going to make everything better. My brother is coming back from his roadtrip tomorrow, so hopefully that'll make it less lonely around here, but I doubt it. My brother is an asshole and he's a little hard to hang out with sometimes.

I have no friends here. I have nothing here. It was exciting that I was moving to this new place where I didn't know anybody or anything, but I hate it. I fucking hate feeling this motherfucking lonely. I haven't been hugged in a week and I'm just not used to that! My dad would hug me, my mom would hug me, my friends would hug me, Matt would hug me, and now there's just.. nothing.

This is so fucking hard. We did so much together.. I went to 2 of his fucking graduations, he went to mine, we got new cars together, I helped him move out of the place where he spent 20 years of his life and into a new place, we raised a puppy together, he went to my mom's wedding with me, we went on thousands of miles of road trips, he taught me french and math, we shared the same bed that we both paid for together for years, he used to hold me and kiss me and stroke my hair and tell me that I was a beautiful, strong, intelligent woman.. he had faith in me even when I felt like a total social reject, we did so god damn much together and now there's nothing.. nothing to fucking show for it. I'm so motherfuckingly lonely that I cant' fucking stand it, and he's depressed over some fucking perfect girl that broke his heart 2 years ago and looks like it's about to happen again. I wouldn't break his heart. I would never fucking hurt him. I would have done any motherfucking thing to make him happy, but it wasn't enough. It was never fucking enough.

And now I'm alone in my little apartment, crying for someone that left me, crying for my old life that was never really any good in the first place. I've never been happy with myself. I've never lived in the moment, I've always been obsessed with the past. I'm so fucking lonely and it just.. hurts. It hurts so much and there's not a goddamn thing I can do about it right now. I can't call my friends and have a pity party with them, I can't go to my mom's house and cry in her arms, I can't go to Donna's house and curl up in bed with a good movie, some magazines, and my puppy. I'm 3 hours away from that. I'm 3 hours away from my center, from the place I left behind because I thought it would do me some good.

It hasn't done shit. I'm just in a different place, far from the person that I love more than myself, 200 miles from the person I would do anything for, 3 hours from the person that I would do anything to kiss again, to touch again, to have the promise of a future with again.

I won't get to go to Mardi Gras with him this year. It'll be the first time in 5 years that I didn't get all my crap and load the car and drive the 6 hours to New Orleans. We won't stay in a nice Marriot in Baton Rouge, one of my all time favorite places. We won't do any of our road trips again. We won't cook together, we won't watch Basic Instinct, the naughtier version, on his new DVD player. We won't hold hands and talk about the future and we won't fucking do anything because he loves someone else.

He fucking loves someone else.

And it's just so hard.