*sobs*

Last night I didn't even try to sleep because I knew I wouldn't be able to, so I got online and just sat there, willing Matt to talk to me instead of me actually initiating conversation. I knew if I sat there long enough, he probably would, and he did.

It was an okay enough conversation for about 2 minutes until he discovered that I was going to be a total beyotch. "Frigid" is the word he used. I wasn't really being a beyotch, I just wasn't acting like myself. But he knows what "myself" is, and I hate that. I hate him knowing when I plan to hate him. But he knows me so freaking well, and therein lies my contempt.. he knows me so well, yet he's still pulling this crap on me, and he still knows what I want to hear and what I don't want to hear, and I hate that about him. But, you know what I'm going to say.. I love it about him, too.

*sigh*

One of these days I'm gonna get it together.

So then I went off on him. Again. It wasn't pretty, it didn't solve anything, and here we are again, back at square one. This time I blame it on my period. I'm a chick, I can do that. So hah on you.

I'm still not going to see him this weekend, I'm sure. Even though I tried the sex card once again.. the card I always pull out when I'm most desperate, and the card he always rejects and thus makes me feel like a total crackwhore. Guh. That's what I have to say about that.

He did say, at one point.. "I know it hurts. Maybe I'll surprise you."

I don't know what that means. How is he going to surprise me? Is he going to jump out of a cake, or is he going to show me that he actually does give a flying fuck about me?

And he says one day I'll appreciate this and thank him. What is he? My fucking dad? Maybe. Maybe that's what I want him to be.

So says my psychologist. Next week is the last time I'm going to see him, and I think that's good. I think I might stop taking my medication, too. It seems like my life has gotten even more out of control since I started seeing this guy anyway. I was doing okay there for a while, and then I saw this guy and he brought everything up to the surface, and everything sort of went a little nuts after that. Including me.

So it's probably a good thing that I won't see him anymore.

I am writing all this because I have a fun 3.5 hour drive in front of me and that sucks. I guess I should get going, though. I chose this weekend to go to Dallas, the weekend that EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN AUSTIN is going to Dallas for the Texas/OU game. So that should be fun traffic.

I am going to shut up now.

I heart the West Wing.

*****

a year ago...

"So, I went on the air at 8:10 and had a really good time. The dudes I was on with talked about OU and Texas football and I was just like.. yay, good times. Then we talked a little about Guns N Roses, and he said Axl was fat, and I'm like, nuh uh! Then there was a little quiz about hair metal bands, and I didn't get a single one of them right. It was hard! What the hell do I know about the Bulletboys?

At the end of our segment, people got to vote on who they thought should stick around for the last segment. Guess who won that? Yep, that would be me. The chick who knew nothing about OU/Texas football."

2 years ago...

"Bah. BB is still being a bunghole. Is it bad when your boyfriend just suddenly cuts off all kinds of communication with you even when you're not sure why? I think that may be a bad thing. But, the good news is, if he decides to stay mad, there's a space open for an all expenses paid trip to Reno to see Elton John! Who wants to go?! And my birthday is in two days, so whatever is up his ass better get out of there or I'm gonna be pissed that I'll be spending my birthday reading the bible and singing karaoke at my youth group retreat. Not that there's anything wrong with that!"