baby maybe someday
2003-05-31 Stuff? Or something.

How do we like the layout? I dig it.. the chick reminds me of me. She's reading. I like to read. I think it's peaceful and good and crap. Yay.

You know what's fun to do? Go outside when it's 95 degrees and try to get a tan. Now that's fun!

Actually it wasn't that bad cuz I kept cooling myself off by taking a swim. However, I was totally distracted by a group of 4 people hanging out by the pool. I don't know what is was about these people, but they seemed to personify everything that's wrong with my life. Don't you hate people like that?

I don't know. I seemed to have a lot of little epiphanies while I was frying myself, but none of them came together into one big epiphany. I mean, here's the just of it:

1. I have to lose weight, now. If I don't, I never will. My whole self esteem seems to be wrapped in my weight, and if I lose weight, I can have better confidence in myself, thus making it easier to make friends and thus not spending Saturday alone. I'm used to these Saturdays by myself.. I have a whole routine, a rainy day routine and a sunny day routine. And it's getting old, and I want people to share my life with.

2. However, I think I need to be alone for a little longer. I think I'm going to shelf the boyfriend plan, at least for another month or so. I'm just not ready.. my mind, my body, my heart.. none of those are ready to start anything up again. Especially when I'm still busy being retarded with my ex boyfriend. All of this became painfully obvious on Wednesday night. I'm pretty sure boys don't really like to hear about that feeling of relief after you've had to pee for so long and then finally get to. I'm sure they don't particuarly care about hearing how I'm going to boycott football this year just because I'm trying to deny its very existence because of a certain boy that used to be in my life. So yeah, I should probably work on those social skills a little, ya think? I'm horny and I'm desperate for some male companionship, but I don't think I'm ready yet. Just because it's been 7 months (god damn, that's a long fucking time!) doesn't mean I have to turn on the "pathetic" siren just yet. I'm going to take June and I'm going to better myself, do the things I know I need to do, and then maybe in July I can seek whatever it is I think I want. So it's kinda like Hardcore March but with actual hardcoreness this time.

3. With Matt.. I'm tired of talking about it. I wrote like 3 paragraphs and deleted it because it's just the same old shit.

I just want to be free of this.. I want to be happy, to go out and make friends and boyfriends and do activities and not be burdened by the thought of Matthew! When I first got here in January, I thought for sure by this time things would be different. Things are different in their own way, but not totally. And not enough. I wish I could convince myself that it's totally over.. that there's no chance we can get back together. But I can't, because he won't let me, and thus, I won't let myself. Sucks, really.

But at least I have a job. I won't really know if I'm good at this job for another month, because training keeps going on and on and on, but eventually I can have something that is all mine, that I am good at, that I can take pride in. And that's going to be important for self esteem. Self esteem is always a good thing.

That is why I'm now going to work out for the first time in a week. That's probably a good idea.

And you know what? Things are going to be okay, regardless of my Matt situation. It is possible to be happy without him. Just because we had a certain life together for a really long time.. that doesn't mean that it's a terrible thing that we don't have that life together anymore. We were bringing each other down, keeping each other from the opportunities that could have changed us. And now we're not doing that anymore. Well, at least I'm not, to him. He still is doing that for me, but it's because I'm forcing it, and that's my problem.

It's going to be okay. I have to keep telling myself that because it's true. Matt doesn't represent my only chance for happiness in this lifetime. As Lili Taylor said in the last episode of Six Feet Under when Nate said she was his last chance for a good life, (the season finale is tomorrow! ackkk!), "I'm not a chance, I'm a person." That is true. People aren't chances, they're just people. You have to make your own chances and crap like that.

I don't want to end this entry because when I do, I have to go get my tire fixed at Discount Tire and that's going to suck.

Rawk.

< Also, I want to give a shout out to the Dallas Mavs. I'm really glad they're in the playoffs and if this were any other year, I'd watch every single game and be all obsessed and crap, but things have changed, and I'm just not into pretending that I care anymore. So go Mavs, it's your birthday.

back & forth random
recently...

So be it! My last entry ever. - November 16, 2004
701 - October 17, 2004
Buh bye: An Austinliz thesis - October 03, 2004
war of the roses - October 01, 2004
fucking debate! - September 30, 2004