Glug. I think I might have gained like 5 pounds this week. That is definitely not conducive to what I'm trying to achieve, not at all.

Tonight was bad with the food. But I had fun! I did the recordathon thing that I thought was last week but when I showed up last week they were all, "Um, no, that's next week." So I actually got there on the right day this time. Yay!

The recordathon was for the place I volunteer for, the reading for the blind and dyslexic place. I actually got to read instead of direct tonight.. I was all kinds of excited about that. It was fun, but they kept feeding us. Eating pizza at 11:00 at night is not good, not good at all. Nor is eating cake, and chips with some kind of awesome spinach dip thing. It was good, but not conducive.

But when I was reading the glossary of a science textbook, the thought occured to me that I was crazy for even thinking about leaving in 3 months. What would that have accomplished? I would have gone back to Dallas, probably without a job, probably still lacking the experiences and accomplishments I wanted to have before I left. It would be so cool to build a life for myself here. I can just imagine myself in the fall, surrounded by friends, going to see live music and drinking beer and playing pool and laughing.. I know it probably won't happen that way, but it makes me happy to think about.

I can't leave here until I get some self confidence. Right now, things are bad. I can't stand life when I wake up in the morning. I don't know what it is about the morning, but it makes me want to repeatedly stick forks in my eye and that's not good. At least tomorrow I have a job interview at 10, so I won't have time to want to stick things in my eye.

But there's a couple of things I just refuse to do. One of them is eat right. Right now, I feel like I'm about to give birth to a baby boy because my stomach feels so huge. If I would eat right, that wouldn't be happening. I have to start that at some point or I just won't be happy. Maybe I'll go on the Atkins diet.

Another thing, of course, is the Matt situation. Why do I keep talking to him? Why do I punish myself by doing that? I don't think I even want to get back together right now.. it would probably be the worst thing for me. So why do I keep pushing it? Why am I surprised that he still has his girlfriend? Why wouldn't he? He gave me a million chances, over and over and over, for 5 years. Why wouldn't he give her the same chances?

I really have to make the committment of not talking to him. I thought I was going to do that this week, but he ruined my composure by acting all craptacular about me blocking him. But I have to keep my composure no matter what he does. I'm stronger than this. I can do this.. it's not that hard. of course, I am talking to him right now and I really don't know why, but that's what I do. I torture myself.

I don't know what I want with him. I don't want him to forget me, and I want him to care about me. But those are both things I have no control over. He's either going to forget about me or not, and nothing I do will change that. So I might as well recognize that, give it up, and work on improving myself without him.

I wish I could see things this clearly every moment of the day, but sometimes it just gets to be so overwhelming. Like, I wish I didn't have channel 70. Channel 70 is CMT and it annoys me that I have to see country music on my television. I never listened to it before Matt, and now I hate it even more after him. Blah. Blah, I say.

Anyway. I feel like a fat cow right now, and I really should go to bed. Bed is good. Especially when I have a job interview in the morning. Yep.

Okay then.