It just hurts to be here. I guess it would hurt to be anywhere sometimes, but at least in Austin, I'm used to dealing with it. Here, there's so many ghosts. I heard this country song that Matt used to love that I haven't heard in years, and it made me sad. I recall the Christmas he came here with us, opening presents, being accepted into the family like it was a totally natural thing to do.

On the 4 hour trip here, my thoughts were riddled with him and his girlfriend, and now another, more pleasant thought: dating. I can't wait to date. I can't wait to have new experiences and learn about someone else's life and not have to be the same person I was with Matt. But I mean.. what's going to happen with a new person? What will they think of my somewhat kooky love for dogs? Matt thought it was cute and endearing.. it was one of the things he loved about me, that I was so nurturing. But what about the next person? Will they think I'm just nuts?

And my body issues.. I don't have the perfect body, not by a long shot. And while Matt still thought I was beautiful even when I gained 40 pounds, what will the next person think? I am scared of that.

I'm scared and I'm excited and I'm ready. I want to move on and have new experiences that I don't have to tell Matt about. I want my own seperate life from him, a new chapter. He was 5 years, but those years are over. I don't need someone like him.. someone who will just keep me around "just in case." I want someone to appreciate me and what I can offer. I don't even know what I have to offer.. what I offered Matt was weekly orgasms, some money to pay for dinner a couple times a week, the knowledge that I would stick by him no matter what he did, and a loving family that even though they felt I could do better, still accepted him and treated him like a member of the family. I gave him whatever I could at the time, and now times have changed. I'm ready to be in an adult relationship, a 50-50 relationship, where both of us make decisions and have equal control and love, instead of one of us always being a little more in love than the other one. I want equality. And I want sex. But not right away. Like, give me a month or two.

My brother has a new boy.. he said the spent all night last night just kissing, and that this boy was the best kisser ever. I want that.. I want to stay up all night watching movies, talking, making out. I want something new, because this life that I have is boring me, and it's making me sad.

I should be happy right now, but I miss Matt, and I want so much more for myself. I'm tired of missing him. I'm tired of loving him. A point that I've been missing is that he must really love her if he's willing to go without the sexual part of the relationship. From age 16 to 21 his main goal in life was to get as many chicks as possible, and now he has just one, and she's not giving him any. I hate her. I do.. I hate her. And I'm starting to hate him.

Maybe this is the anger part that I've needed to go through for so long. Maybe the next stage will be acceptance, and that would be nice.

I'm full of shit and it's time to eat, so I'm going to shut up now. I just wanted to get the point across that I miss him so much right now, because his ghost is all over the place. And I'm tired of missing him, and I want something new. I'm ready for something new.

Thank you and have a nice day.