That was deep, wasn't it?

I wake up, and I try to go back to sleep because I really don't want to wake up. When I can't possibly sleep any longer, I get up, look at the state of my life, and cry. Everyday I do this, everyday I get no further in my life by doing this. Everyday I hate myself a little more, every day I grow to hate my stomach with a passion. My stomach repulses me. It's not getting bigger, but the rate that it's getting slower is truly horrifying to me.

Matt says "Don't beat yourself up over the past," like that's so freaking easy. If I didn't beat myself up over the past, what would I have? If I figured out how to not do that, I'd have everything figured out.

I can't find a job. I look everywere.. careerbuilder.com, hotjobs.com, monster.com, austinhelpwanted.com, the newspaper, the alternative newspaper.. I called 5 temp agencies today, they have nothing. I have 2 more temp agency interviews tomorrow, maybe they'll have something. I didn't get the job at the governor's office.. I knew I wouldn't once I blabbed about not having experience with multi-line phones. I called all the Borders and Barnes and Noble in Austin and every single one of them said they weren't hiring.

And the whole Matt situation does nothing but confuse me and make me sad. He says I can get him back.. he says he wishes he could snuggle with me, and what he wants, he usually goes after. But I have nothing to offer him.. only undying loyalty and devotion, to follow him around like a lost puppy dog, to think that he hung the moon. I want to get my shit together so bad, but it seems like the more I want it, the more it alludes me, the further away it gets from me.

I'm doing everything wrong.. if I wanted him back, wouldn't I not talk to him right now? Wouldn't I have some kind of mystery about me, make him think that I have some kind of secret life going on? My cars are all out on the table. On Saturday night, he mentions that he might have been dumped, that he might want to get back together, and he totally turns my world upside down. What little progress I've made is totally turned to shit just because he keeps wanting to get in my business. Just when I feel like I'm getting somewhere, he manages to come back again and make me doubt everything I thought about what was going on.

I kept thinking to myself today... this must all count for something. There must be a whole point to me beating myself up daily.. there must be some karmic reason for what is going on in my life right now. And it's all going to lead to some grand display, some big karmic dump where everything works out in the end. But right now I have to pay my dues. I have to be miserable in order to truly be happy. Yin and yang.

I hate being miserable. I prided myself on not being depressed, on being semi-happy. But was I happy? Or was I just always depressed and I hid it well? Because I've never really been happy with what I was doing. When I was with Matt, I always felt like there was something missing, like I had to get out of that for a while. Read my early October 2002 entries.. they were all talking about getting out of Dallas and going to Vegas or Austin but he wouldn't let me.. now I'm here and I have no idea what to do with myself.

I just don't know where I'm going and how to get there and where I'll end up.

And now I'm even more depressed because Matt said there was a 50% chance he'd be coming up here this weekend but my mom is coming, so he can't. Talk about a major dissapointment.. I'd sell out my own mom just to see him, but I won't, because that sucks.

Do you know what else sucks? John Mayer. Good god almighty I hate that man.

I am depressed. I hate being depressed.