baby maybe someday
2003-07-31 There's still time.

First of all, I have an annoucement: I am the world's suckiest bowler. It just doesn't click in my head. I don't understand how to hit the pins with the ball. It's just too hard.

Thankfully I went with my girly girls and they don't really give a fuck what the score is, but damn! It was embarrasing to suck so extremely bad! But good times nonetheless.

Anyway. Now to the serious part of the entry.

Today is July 31st.

Today was the day I was looking forward to for many many months. The day I was supposed to move back to Dallas. It was 7 months ago that I picked up and moved to Austin, when I told myself, "I'm not going to come back until I've gotten my shit together." Well, my shit isn't together. I'm still here.

I'm still overweight. I'm still a slob. I still suck at my job. I still have the exact same things wrong with me that I did 7 months ago. I know that I have made huge strides in changing my life. I know that once I get back to Dallas, I will not be the same person I was before I left. And I am grateful that I have this 6 months ahead of me to cultivate myself into what I really want to become.

I ponder if I really want to go back right now, and you know what? I really don't feel the urge to at this moment. It would be nice to go back to Matt, to see what new kind of thing can develop between us. It would be nice to be able to live 45 minutes from my mom again, 15 minutes from my dad. It would be nice to have full access to my puppy. But I'm not ready yet.

I guess the point of this entry is to say that I used to count down my days here like I was in prison and I was waiting to get out. I was like, "It's only 5 1/2 months until I go home! I can't wait for that! I want my mommy!" But now July 31st, 2003 is here, and I'm okay. I hate my job, I love my friends, I have the boy that I've been obsessing over for weeks, years, months, days. And tomorrow I will be going back to Dallas, and I'll be snuggling with that boy all weekend, and I'll come back on Sunday and start all over again. And that's okay. That's the way it was meant to be. I promised myself that I wouldn't leave until I accomplished the things I knew I needed to accomplish. And I haven't done that yet.

But there's still time.



back & forth random
recently...

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