This banner was made by the illustrious Froggy, who apparently has come back to our fair world of D-Land, which excites me in my pants, but anyway, I digress. He made it like.. 2 years ago. And I am resurrecting it because that's just what I do. It's Axl. How can you go wrong with Axl?

Phhtt. I am still feeling shitty today. These cloudless sunny days really suck the life out of me, I really don't know why. It's 73 degrees and beautiful but I can't appreciate it for shit because I don't have a job, I don't have the person I love in a way that I want, and I have no self esteem, something to grasp, something to pull myself up. It's not fun.

I have spent the last 2 hours faxing resumes to places I found in the paper, but I doubt those will ever come to fruition because really, they never do. I'm about to go fill out some retail apps, that should be fun. I just want a job. Any job. It doesn't matter what. Just give it to me.

My brother doesn't understand what's wrong with me. He said that if someone really wanted a job in Austin, it would be possible to get one in a matter of days. And, I'm sure he's right. I have so many excuses.. "But I have no experience.. but I'm too depressed.. but I'm too unmotivated.. but I have a degree.." and I should just chuck the excuses and do what I need to do. I need a job. This is real. This is what needs to happen. I can't NOT have a job.

I was afraid of this. I was afraid of moving here because I didn't know how I'd get a fucking job. And I was so afraid of failing. Have I failed? I still have 4 months here to find that out, but I feel like I've failed, not only myself, but everyone else around me. I feel like I'm failing Matt most of all. He's almost 26 years old and I know he wants a family more than anything, and I feel like I'm holding him back from that. Like I'm still hanging on to him, but maybe I should just let him go.. find someone else that he doesn't have to work so hard with.

And the conversation we had on Saturday night was rather disheartening, but the more I think about it, the more I know he's right. I hate it when he's right. But seriously.. it makes sense. He says that right now, he has nobody to depend on but himself, he makes himself happy, and while he misses me a lot, he's doing so much better depending only on himself to make himself happy, if that makes any sense.

My contention is that if he believed in me, he would be here, trying to get me through this, assuring me that he'll always be here. But he's not doing that because he wants me to do it myself. And I understand that. Reluctantly, I understand that. It hurts. I hate it.

I went for a drive yesterday, and sometimes that makes me happier, sometimes it just depresses me even more. It was definitely the latter last night. I took a drive down this mountain-like road I've never been on before, with huge houses and prettyness and it was incredible. I almost ran over like.. a million deer. They were all over the place. But it made me sad to see the families out in the street, barefoot, hanging out on a Sunday night before they have to go back to school and work. I want a family so bad.. one of my own, with a husband and kids and friends of the family, inside jokes, Sunday night dinners, vacations to the beach.. I want it, and I'm so far away from that right now, and it scares me. When is it going to happen for me?

Anyway. Retail whoredom calls my name.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"I'm graduating in 3 months and have yet to even start looking for a job. I don't want a job. I don't want to end up a journalist that goes to work everyday and only has 2 weeks a year off. I want to go and explore the world, I want to have fun, I want to be responsible but for things that are really worth being responsible for, you know? I don't want to work for 40 years and not have anything to show for it. Obviously if I'm in journalism, I'll have a lot to show for it, but you know.

I just want to do something spectacular and show the world who I really am. I hate sitting around on my ass like I do. It's worse with me because everyone knows I have potential and they all want to see me use it, but I just don't want to. I just want to come up with an idea and make a lot of money and buy a Mercedes and have good times."