Okay, okay. Take a deep breath. I hear what you're all saying, and yet I choose to go my own way. Let's all accept it and move on with our lives, because this is really beating me down and making me question the whole way I look at my life. I'm just a girl, in love with a boy, as Julia Roberts said.

So here's my play by play of the past day and a half. I'm going to get into a lot of details here, because I want a thorough record of his time here. I want to remember it, because it still doesn't seem real. Surreal, yes. Definitely surreal.

So like I said, he calls me at work and I call him back when we have a break. He's all like, "Hi there, I'm on my way over there right now, I just thought you should know." Well then! That is a very helpful thing to know.

Meanwhile, our classroom at work has big giant windows for a wall, and outside it was getting veerrry dark. Like, so dark that the night time lights came on. Normally I enjoy rainy days like that, but not when my ex-boyfriend was battling through it just to see me.

The last hour of work was total and pure torture. I just lost all interest in what we were doing, and once it got that dark outside, everyone else did too. We wanted to go home! But our trainer kept us until 5:00 exactly. Bah on her!

So I carefully drive home in the torrential rain and get my apartment ready for human eyes. It still looked like shit, though, which he commented on at some point. But anyway.

I got dressed all pretty-like and waited for him to go through the pure Hell that is Austin traffic at 5:30 on a Friday in the rain.

He got here, and that was a little weird at first because I haven't seen him in 2 1/2 months, so it was just.. different. He looked good. He's gained some of his weight back, but not a lot. He looked yummified, really.

He gave me a hug, and then went in search of my bathroom. Why is it that all the males who have been through this house have used my bathroom and left the seat up? Every single boy, which is basically 3 of them (my brother, my stepdad and my brother's ex) have all done that. Hello, boys, manners?

We sit down on the sofa and chat. Let me tell you something, people. They say that boys don't like talking about relationships? They haven't met Matthew. We talked for hours this weekend. Hours upon hours of pure relationship talk, all initiated by him. Not that I'm complaining.

At this time, he has his arm around me and I am paying attention to what he's saying, but I can't stop thinking about what happens next: the nookie. And it wasn't purely physical, it was emotional as well. I'm also trying to enjoy every single second of it because I know that when he leaves, it'll just be a memory and I won't get to see him again for a while. I was really trying to grab everything into my brain because I really did not want it to end.

But we do some talking, and it's good. Then we decide to take a nap, cuz we're both tired from the previous day of emotions.

So there we go to the bed. And we do actually try to take a nap. But I just want to touch him and keep touching him and be near him and around him and yeah. And not touch him as in like, the privates, but his arm and face and hand and such. That sounds freaktastic the way I put it there, but it makes sense, trust me. There was no way I could have slept until we got the nookie out of the way.

So we acknowledge that we can't sleep, and we keep getting closer to each other, and I say "I just like touching you," and then it's on. Ohhh yeah, is it on. The kiss starts out as innocent, but then it's crazy "Haven't kissed in 8 months and boy am I horny" all over the place. When you haven't been touched in that kind of way for so long, it's just fucking incredible and amazing. Seriously.. there were some major "oh god's" coming from me even before we got to the real heart of the matter.

And we're not talking oral here, either. This was merely hands and fingers. And believe me, that was suitable. I made a big giant female ejaculation mess. That's way too much information, but I'm proud of my mess, damnit!

Foreplay rules.

I really am such a horn dog. I think if I wouldn't have wanted to do such things, he'd be fine with that. He didn't come here for that, although he wasn't complaining once it happened. I don't know why I'm so deviant, but I'm just a passionate person, I can't help it. And I know this is something he really likes and appreciates about me.

So immediately after we have this session, we try another nap, but it just seems like napping is not on my side right now. We finally wake up for good around 9 and then talk for another hour. It was a good talk for him because he got to tell me all his fears about his life and what it represents to him. He said later that that talk made him more comfortable about being here, so that was good.

And this whole time, just to add to the fun, it's pouring, lightening, thunder, everything. It's a very Friday the 13th with a full moon kind of night.

After the nookie, I kinda felt like I had a victory. Like the nookie was a sign that his ex-girlfriend is a thing of the past, like I win the game here. And I felt a strange feeling of detachment come over me. I think it was a self defense mechanism, really. Like, I wouldn't let myself believe that all of this was really happening. But it was. And it did.

We leave and go to Barnes and Noble and get two Dr. Phil workbooks. The boy is getting his masters in Psychology, give him a break. Dr. Phil is like God to him.

We drive back to my apartment, and I show him the area where I work. He thought that was cool. We went to Albertson's around 10:30, and that was something surreal. I really used to enjoy going grocery shopping with him late at night, and this was a fun activity. We went to Taco Cabana and he bought us dinner, which we took home. Fajitas, yum.

We ate fajitas and watched Conan, and then we got the Dr. Phil stuff out. We did that for about an hour while watching Carson Daly (who made the most hilarious joke about Tara Reid) and Jimmy Kimmel, then decided it was bed time. We talked a little more before going to bed, and then that was our Friday night. Probably the strangest and most dramatic 24 hours of my life. Well, not strange or dramatic. Weird, maybe? I can't find the proper adjective to describe it. Gee, I'm not a writer or anything.

I wake up before him in the morning, and I go to the bank and stuff. I come back and do some defensive driving, and he wakes up at 10:30. We do two hours more of talking, and then we go to a mexican restaurant and talk some more. I bring up the whole nookie thing at the restaurant. I'm all like, "Don't you think it's weird that we've only gotten it on once so far?" I am so deviant.

So we come back here and talk a little more, and then he has to go because he had plans in Dallas tonight. We have a good bye quickie that lasted about 3 minutes (see last entry for more details) and that was it.

So what were we talking about so much, you wonder? What is the outcome of all this discussion?

First of all, about the girlfriend. They have broken up. He's removed all mentions of her from his website. He's realizing that she's not what he wants. And he's figuring out something I knew a long time ago.. I'm a lot hotter than she is. She has a nice body, I guess, and she's blond, but she's just plain. I am exotic and voluptuous and boobtacular. He said that during their break-up call, he told her all this stuff that he wanted her to do if she wanted to stay together, and she flat out told him that she didn't want to. He said that she said that when you love someone, you'll do anything for them, and she wasn't willing to do anything for him.

But we're not out of the woods yet. We had a discussion about how she's not right for him, and about how they aren't compatible, but I don't trust that at this point. I don't trust anything at this point. I don't trust my emotions or his emotions or anything, because it's just not safe. Sure he came here out of the blue, and I know that was a huge thing, but we still have quite a way to go here.

He let me vent my frustrations, and I got a lot of bitterness out of me. I think I sufficiently made him feel pretty crappy at some points. It was quite theraputic.

We aren't back together. And here's where everyone is going to roll their eyes and say "Whatever, beyotch." He's not happy. I'm not very happy. He wants to work on being happy before we get back together, so that we can give each other the best version of ourselves because thats what we deserve. But the big thing here isn't getting happy and doing the right thing for the other person, but for ourselves. That especially applies to me. I don't think I've made as much progress as I would have liked because I was doing it for him and not me. When I'd do good things for me it was always, "I wonder what Matt would think," and not anything that had to do with me.

People, he knows that he screwed up. He knows that if we do pursue a relationship, which we apparently have a 95% chance of doing, that I will be in charge for a while. He's afraid that I'm never going to be able to trust him again. He's afriad that once I really make all the progress that I'm planning on making, I won't like him anymore. He knows that if we get back together, it's only going to be with 100% committment. And he's definitely aware that if we're together, he can't talk to the chick, and if he does, he has to tell me about it.

I'm just so tired of her. She's been a constant nightmare in my life for 2 years now, and I just want us to be rid of her. She's no good to us anymore. He admits that they weren't compatible and that she was making him miserable, but I wouldn't put it past him to forget about all that if she calls him any time soon. He said that with every passing minute, he is more and more sure that he doesn't want her back.

And please, how can he be on the rebound? He was technically on the rebound from me when they got together in the first place. And they barely even had a relationship anyway! He saw her like once a week for 2 hours. He said what he liked about her most were the superficial things, like how she's 24 and about to get her PH.D, and how she's in a choir and how hot she is, but he didn't really like the rest of her a lot of the time. So I don't know.

And I don't. I just don't know. I know that things will be different now. I won't log on and wait for him to message me for days on end, because now whenever I get online he's going to message me just to say hi. Every day. And we aren't going to play games, and we're going to be honest, and we're going to give it a go. It might be a while, though. So again, patience is a virtue.

This is different from last time we went through this whole dance because he wasn't really serious about breaking up with her last time. He didn't come here to try to make things work with me last time. He didn't participate in nookie with me last time. Make no mistake about it, nookie with me is like a big middle finger to her. And I do get some kind of thrill from that. He went through all the reasons why he wanted to have a relationship with me. And they're good reasons. Solid reasons. Like, he thinks I would be a good mother. That really made me happy.

So again, I don't know. I just know things are going to be different. And I know that I'm very very cautious about letting my guard down, because I can't do it again. I can't put myself through that whole thing again. It's too painful. And I've made progress, a lot of progress since then. He's really impressed with all the progress I've made. So I'm just kind of going to take it day by day and not let myself get my hopes up. They're up, just not up in a ridiculous kind of way. Because whatever happens, aint gonna happen soon. I might see him again when I go to Dallas for 4th of July, so we'll see how that goes. That's only 3 weeks from now.

It was so surreal to have him here. Like, when I woke up and went to the bank today, there was his Dodge Ram outside, looking all pretty. Every time I see a Ram I think about him, and there it was, his, outside my apartment, with him in my bed. So weird.

I just want to be with him. Forever, really. I loved having him in my bed. I loved being able to burp in front of him, and I love how he's so predictable about stuff sometimes. Like, he has to drink bottled water when he eats gummy bears. I loved that we could be so comfortable around each other, and I definitely loved how we could make each other feel so damn good and orgasmic with almost little effort. I am almost ashamed that it takes so little time and effort for me to spooge all over the place. I want to marry him, I want to have his children, and if I have to be patient, then damnit, I'm going to be patient.

He's not excited about the whole 8 months of long distance prospect, but I think we can make it through. He wanted to make sure that I was going to extend my lease, because it's something I would be doing for myself and not for him, and he wants me to do more of that. He wants to know that if he asked me to do something, I'm not necessarily going to do it just because I love him. He wants me to have the power. And I want the power. I'm going to extend my lease for another 6 or 7 months on Monday. It looks like I'll be going back to Dallas either in February or March. Good times, I know.

I knew something big was destined to happen at some point. This is what I've been talking about. We didn't really make any solid plans to be together, but at least it was a step in the right direction. So anyway, my intuition was right! Something big happened, and now things are different. Thank God!

Plus, I went to see a movie and other stuff tonight, and it seemed like I was getting an unusual amount of male attention. What is that? Is it because I finally got some and I have the "just got some" glow about me? It's really weird!

Anyway, this was long and took me almost two hours to write. Plus, I was watching SNL with Al Gore, which I vaguely remember watching when I was drunk off my ass in December. Ahhh, memories.

I'm going to bed. And I reserve the right to add more tomorrow because I keep forgetting stuff that I want to say.