baby maybe someday
2003-04-29 Monkeytastic

Aren't you guys proud of me?! I did manage to wait to update until I had worked out and gotten the "I hate the morning and I hope it dies" feelings out of me. Yay.

However, Unsent Letter was not so lucky.

I just got to thinking about his girlfriend last night. Lori. I have never gone out with someone who just got out of a 5 year relationship before, and I just wonder if she ever thinks of me. Obviously she wasn't thinking of me when she tried to take him right out from under me 2 years ago, but I digress.

2 years ago, when I knew that his feelings for her weren't just out of friendship, I'd spend hours thinking about their relationship. I'd almost feel like I was above her. I had this attitude.. "I bet it drives her crazy that I'm with him now, I bet she thinks she can take care of him better than I can." And how ironic is it that I feel exactly that way right now, except she's the one who is in my place? What goes around comes around, people. That's all I'm saying.

There's also someone who likes to amuse themselves by pretending that they are her on unsent letters. It boggles my mind why someone would do that. Like Ms. Perfect Busy Pants has even heard of Diaryland, like she'd ever have the time to actually go through Unsent Letters and pick the ones from me out. It annoys me that people try to fuck with me like that. I know it's not her, but yet I still think that she's saying that to me somehow, and it drives me crazy.

Are you happy with yourself, Ms. Fake Lori? *shakes head*

Anyway.. I've unsent a lot of letters in my time, and I've decided to go through a month or two every day to look at the ones I've sent. When I'm finished with this mighty project (There must be like at least 10 letters a day at that place) I will make a list here of them, because I just do things like that. It should be good times.

*****

Well, it's day 2 of the Great Let It Go Campaign of 2003. I haven't checked his web page, I haven't checked to see if he's online, I haven't written him any emails. I'm proud of myself. I did forward him an email that the secret shopping people sent me cuz he's using my account, but that's just business. And it doesn't count. I have him blocked, too. I'm trying to keep him blocked for at least a week. If I go back on that and unblock him this week, I'm making myself start all over and block him for another whole week. Self control. I'm working on it.

Also, I haven't gone back into the archives of My Michele. I know I said I wouldn't, but my self control is for shit. But I actually haven't. And that's good. Yay me.

I'm just starting to let myself think that it's really over. He pushed me away, as far away as possible. He never initiates conversation, and when I do initiate it, he never shows any concern about me or my life. So.. I get the hint, Matthew. I get it. I'm going to let go now, whether I like it or not. I'm going to imagine a life without you. I'm going to imagine finding other things to do on Friday night in Dallas. I'm going to imagine not going on our legendary road trips anymore. Is that what you wanted? Well, good. Because that's what has finally happened.

Of course there will always be a part of me that wants to get back together, but I'm working on making that part of me as small as possible instead of it being the overwhelming feeling. Because those feelings suck.

*****

Now, the job thing. Having my resume up at Career Builder and other places seems to be working, but in a weird way. Like.. these professional people are calling me. Someone wants me to be a financial fucking analyst! Someone else wants me to work in accounting or something.

The problem is that I flat out lied on my resume, and I never worked as an administrative assistant. Never ever. And so they expect me to have all these skills that I don't have, so I'm afraid to call them. There's only so much that I can fake, you know? But I need a job! Maybe 2 1/2 months of hardcore faking it is better than 2 1/2 months of no job at all.

If I had my real resume up, somehow I don't think that "5 years of being Matt's lazy girlfriend" will never really impress anyone.

*****

It's rainy looking outside. That turns me on.

*****

I'm gonna go do stuff now.

back & forth random
recently...

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