Basically, all you missed is that I'm a big cyber sex whore.

It's amazing to me, the lengths I will go to sometimes. It doesn't benefit me at all to get my ex-boyfriend off from 200 miles away, yet I do it anyway. And I analyze our conversations to death, too. I STILL do that. 7 months later. Like, this:

Matt: I don't mind talking about sex stuff, I just don't want to talk about what we don't have..

Matt: I don't mind talking about what we did have or might have in cute sorta ways.

Matt: But not the beating down aspect of it.

What we did have or what we MIGHT HAVE?! What the hell is that? Damnit. I hate it when he gets me going like this, putting thoughts into my head. Back in January, February, sure. It was ALMOST okay, even. I thought for sure that I was coming home in August, and maybe if I did that kind of thing, the odds would be more in my favor. But now it's May, I'm not coming home until at least next February, and I SHOULD KNOW BETTER! But there's still that retarded part of me that says, "Maybe soon he'll get tired of not getting any nookie, and he'll see that you have your shit together, and he'll want to come back!" I mean, how weird is it that he IMs me the day after I tell him I have a job now? He didn't IM me before!

I realize that I'm getting way creepy now and I should probably just chill the fuck out and have a laugh over how I'm still doing this kind of crap, AKA making Matt orgasm by telling him about wrapping my "big dick sucking lips" around his "big cock". I know. I'm as ashamed as you are.

I need another man, damnit. I know some people are all, "How can you like someone else when you're still so fascinated by your ex?" Well, if I had another boy in my life, then I can start NOT thinking about Matt anymore. Right? Whatever. I need some sex. Anyone wish to volunteer?

That motherfucking Daniel Beddingfield song is getting on my nerves. It REALLY bothers me for some reason. And it's EVERYWHERE! I can't escape the damn song. It bothers me. I don't want to hear it anymore. Yet when it comes on, I can't turn it off. I have to listen to it. I'm a freak, as it turns out.

Today I didn't exercise very well. I went to the gym, but only did 10 minutes on the treadmill, 5 minutes on the stairstepper, 30 situps, and a few arm weight thingies. Then I left. I don't know why, I just wasn't feeling the gym today. It happens. So then I picked up my brother's dog and took him to the park, but that stupid dog doesn't know how to be on a leash, and he just choked the whole time. I still didn't get a good work out in. And I feel ooky.

But at least its cloudy and looks like rain, so that's good times.

I watched 12 episodes of Sex and the City last night. I wish they weren't so short, only like 25 minutes each. I still love Carrie. Sarah Jessica Parker's abs are the most incredible abs ever. Seriously. They're fabulous.

With the money I'm going to make at this new job.. I have so many things planned for it. I'm going to get my hair cut, I'm going to buy a bookcase, I'm going to do yoga, I'm going to buy a big lamp, I'm going to save it, I'm going to buy clothes.. I'm so excited! My dad won't have to pay my rent anymore! Woo independence!

And I'm not sure what to make of Oprah's audience right now. It's that "Oprah's favorite things" show and they're getting all this cool crap like grills and nice shirts. How do you get in THAT audience? And how can they be such money grubbing whores that they're all screaming and yelling about every single thing she brings out? I wish I could be Oprah. She's like.. a zillionaire. And she does such good stuff for people. We should all be a little more like Oprah.

And now for the return of...

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"There was one point when I was doing okay at Blackjack, but yeah. Then I lost. $80, to be exact. As someone who is somewhat addicted to gambling, this drove me a little crazy. The feeling I get when I'm doing to my last $5 and I have a 19 and the dealer gets a 20.. it makes me feel like I'm falling down a bottomless pit. Okay, maybe not quite so dramatic, but it's not a pleasant feeling and it's not a good feeling to have. Gambling is a dangerous thing for me, can you begin to see that at this point? "