baby maybe someday
2003-04-07 THE email

Note: ** means that I removed something that I don't want people looking up online or what not.

I know it wasn't necessary to write such a long email, I could have just said "Hey, let's not talk." But oh well. Shit happens.


This is going to be a long one.. please read all of it, even if you don't really think you have much to say about it. This is what happens when you have a 4 hour drive home and nothing good to listen to.

I am going somewhere with this. Trust me! :)

A little facts and figures for us, to begin:

5.5 years ago - You sent me running home from Angie's house, crying. Later, I stuck my toe in your crotch and then tried to pretend it didn't mean anything. Elizabeth and Matthew became a couple.

2.5 years ago - After 3 years, we finally become a committed couple. For 4 months, I am happy as can be, but unfortunately, I neglect a few pressing issues.

2 years ago - You meet someone who will change your life, make you question your beliefs, and your relationship with me. Things change. Maybe not for the better.

almost 6 months ago - You break up with me, because we really do need something to happen to make us realize that our lives weren't being challenged, that something needed to happen to show us that things needed to change.

almost 5 months ago (that I know of, at least) - You get back together with someone who's been on your mind for a long time. This person signifies your changing goals in life, your new life, the life you've wanted for so long.

4.5 months ago - December 23 - I learn that you are back together with this person. It is probably top 5 worst days of my life.

Almost 3.5 months ago - I move to Austin, expecting things to change, expecting things to change, expecting my mindset to change, expecting to get over things, recharge my batteries, change my life.

Almost 3.5 months from now - How much time I have left in Austin, how long I have to change things.

The point is.. I don't know how different I feel from the day of December 23rd, the most craptastic day ever. I don't feel like I've progressed at all. Maybe I know a little more about job hunting and paying bills and finding things to do every single night of the week, but I don't feel like I've come any further in getting over this whole thing at all.

I cry when I wake up in the morning because I have to wake up. I make myself stay up late at night so I can sleep later, so it prolongs me waking up. That's not healthy.. that's no way to live my life. And more than that, I've never really felt this way before.. it's so weird.. it sucks so bad.

And I'm just so proud of you. You really look like you've gotten things together, like you have the life you had in mind when you broke up with me. You're going to parties and getting drunk, you're doing well in school, you have an awesome truck, you have good friends, a good girlfriend, and lots of great jobs. You have a new phone! 2 or 3 years ago there was a time that you didn't even have a phone, not even a phone for your house. This makes me so happy for you.. and just so crappy for me that I don't get to be there to experience it with you.

The point of this letter, and there is one believe it or not, is that I think we shouldn't talk for a while. I know you're rolling your eyes, thinking maybe I'll last a week, and maybe that's true. Maybe the fact that I'm having my period for the 4th time in 2 months is really taking its toll on me, and I should wait to send this until its over. But I feel like this is what I have to do. Everyone has been telling me I should do this, they have been for months, but I'd make excuses. "It's not like that.. he's so supportive of me.." I'd even think to myself that you need me, and that you'd be sad if we didn't talk for a while. You don't need me.. the fact that you've made so much for yourself only after I'm out of your life really makes that point true. But maybe everyone is right.. maybe I really do need to stop talking to you for a while, maybe I do need to let the big gaping bloody wound on my heart heal before we can try to be friends.

Because you.. you can be friends with me without a problem. You can send me flirtacious text messages without feeling like you're doing anything special. But when I get messages like "I do wish.. everyday I wish" .. it makes me feel like you want me back. It makes me feel like there's hope, like there's something there. When I get messages like "Be my whore" or "I miss oral!" it makes me feel like that's what you want, but it's just not. You want the nice girl that would probably slap you if you said something like that to her. And that's fine, but it's misleading to me. I feel like I should be able to flirt with you and have no problem with it, but the truth is.. I just can't. I'm too wrapped up in you, too wrapped up in the past we've had together, to be able to just casually flirt with you like that. If you really wanted me to give you oral, I would be more than happy to oblige! Sick, I know, but that's me. And I know you know that, and I know that's part of what still attracts you to me.

I know you want me to have hope for us, but right now, that hope is destroying me. Thinking about not going to College Station at the absolute hottest time of the year to watch football with you depresses me. Thinking about not going to the opening of ** Stadium with you, watching ** win and then having ice cream and going home to watch High School Xtra depresses me. Thinking about not being there to watch the Dawson's Creek series finale while talking to ** and eating ** depresses me. Thinking about not going on any more road trips with you, flirting with you in the car and then tearing your clothes off when we get to the king sized bed depresses me to no end. I can't imagine not doing these things with you anymore.. it doesn't seem right.

And these fantasies that I have.. these fantasies are really taking a toll on me, too. They are definitely sexual in nature, sure.. I dream about ice cubes and handcuffs and getting you nekid and giving you massages in the dark and most of all, I dream about that one hot kiss we have for the first time.. the kiss that makes everything better.. I dream about that kiss ALL THE FUCKING TIME. There's nothing better than make up sex, right? But I also fantasize about stupid things that I have no business dreaming about at all.. our wedding, writing our own wedding vows, going off to Austrailia for the honeymoon where I will proceed to make a man out of you. I can't do this anymore.. it's not fair to me, it's not fair to you, and it's not fair to my friends and family who are tired of me bitching and moaning and walking around like a zombie. I check your web page sometimes twice a day to see if you wrote another rant, something that would indicate that you miss me at all, even though whenever you do update it's never anything about me and usually something good about the girlfriend, which is really not going to make me feel better about anything. Even this weekend.. I kept staring at my phone, hoping you would talk to me again. Saturday night, we were both online for hours, but you never talked to me once. Sunday.. I kept fantasizing that after you were finished with **, you'd want to see me. I probably stayed in town just in case you would. And the fact that you didn't really shows me that my fantasies aren't true.. you don't want me back. You just don't. That was really an indication that I have to do something drastic, and not talking to you is my solution.

What do I want, you might be asking yourself. What I want is selfish, I admit. What I want involves you making big changes in your life. What I want involves you giving up on the relationship you've been dreaming about for 2 years to work on a relationship that admittedly had big problems. I want us to rebuild. I want us to work hard to get people to accept us again. I want us to figure out new things to do together, but still be able to stay at home on some Saturday nights, snuggling and watching DVDs. I want you to have enough faith in me to realize that I'm going to make something out of myself.. I'm going to grow, because really, look at me now.. there's no way I could sink any lower. There's no way but up right now. I want you to love me enough to make sacrifices for me, because if you would just let me, I would sacrifice everything for you. I would get my shit together.. and I mean, I'll do that with or without you, but I just want you to see that I have it in me.. things HAVE to change.. I don't live in a dorm anymore, I'm not in school anymore, I can't make excuses about not finding a job anymore. If we get back together, things will be different because they have to be different.

What I really want is for you to read this email, say "Don't do this! I'm coming over tomorrow after school and we're going to work this out!" My fantasies are so wrong. So very, very wrong.

I could be so many things for you, and for me. Think about it.. you said I was a nurturer, and I am. But I'm also naughty. I can be your naughty nurturer. I can take care of you in all kinds of ways. I can be your partner.. your best friend.. someone who's seen you go through so many things in your life, someone who knows you inside and out, someone who knows where you've been and knows what you've been through to get where you are now. You are the only person in the world who I can feel normal around.. who I can do my thing with and not feel socially retarded with.

But anyway, that's not the point of this letter. The point is that we shouldn't talk for a while because I'm not strong enough for it yet. You have a girlfriend, and I should respect that. You have a mature relationship with a girl that has the maturity, class and intelligence that I may just not be capable of achieving. I'm happy for you.. I just wish things could be different.

That's all for now. I can't stop thinking about you.. I can't stop thinking about the things I'm missing out on my not being with you. I can't do that anymore.. I have to think about the things i'm missing out on by being so focused on you. I mean.. tennis lessons start soon, I'm thinking about pursuing bike riding, I'm making tons of friends at church, I'm still losing weight.. but it all seems so empty without you. And that's just not right.

You don't really have to reply to this.. I wish you would, but I realize that it probably beat you down hardcore and there's not anything you want to say. You can talk to me about it online if you want.. but this is what I think we should do. Not talking to you is the only step I have left to take, and I've been putting it off for too long. I don't know how long it'll last.. maybe weeks, maybe months. I hate it too.. it's one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make.

Anyway.. keep rocking on with your bad self.. I really am so proud of you, you've accomplished so much, and you keep amazing me every single day.

back & forth random

So be it! My last entry ever. - November 16, 2004
701 - October 17, 2004
Buh bye: An Austinliz thesis - October 03, 2004
war of the roses - October 01, 2004
fucking debate! - September 30, 2004