It's days like this that really make me want to just sleep all day and wake up at night. I really don't feel bad at night.. it's dark, I can watch TV or go to a bookstore or just do my thing. But a day like this comes along, and it's all sunny and 60 degrees, and it just makes me feel like shit.

Today won't be so bad because I'm spending it with someone from church. She was in charge of the depression meeting yesterday, and she decided she wanted to take me under her wing today. I didn't argue. Any deviation from the norm is good times for me. And I dunno.. I really like my church. Once I made the decision to really get involved, it seems like they really want to take care of me. And tonight I'm going to church for the 3rd night in a row. That would be cool if the church wasn't like 30 friggin minutes from me, but thats okay.

I need a job. In a very bad way. Yesterday I went and applied at Banana Republic. The manager interviewed me and she was like, "Why do you want to work here?" Instead of saying "Uhh, because I need the money, beyotch," I said "Because this store has so much style and I would like to represent such style," or some crap like that. For some reason, I don't think they'll be calling me back any time soon.

Matt IMed me last night a few minutes after I went to bed, so I didn't see it. He was just telling me about Slash being on Jimmy Kimmel. I know this goes without saying, but I miss him. Not Slash, but Matt. I won't go into it.. it's just too depressing. But I'm just trying to give him space right now. I feel weird about not IMing him, like I should be if we're both online. But I know he and the girlfriend are probably in one of their "high highs" right now, and I don't want to bother him.

I want to make myself believe that we have no chance of getting back together, but it's always in the back of my mind. I'm always thinking "We're not getting back together, but his girlfriend is kinda flaky so maybe there's a chance?" I mean.. I am not happy. He said a long time ago that he didn't want to be the reason for my happiness, he wanted to be a part of it. And I understand that.. and I can appreciate that, as well, but it just seems like we should be together. That's all. We SHOULD be together. That's how I feel. I know it's crazy, but that's what it is.

In the depression group last night, I told them all my story and they said I went through 3 major life changes all at once (getting dumped, graduating, and moving to a new city) and that's hard, and I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I shouldn't expect everything to be so easy. And I know that.. it is going to be hard no matter if I had a job or not. But I mean.. why does it have to suck this bad?

You know.. I know everything I'm going through I have to go through in order to get myself together. Moving here, away from my family, was a good thing to do. Looking for a job, that's a good thing to do. Not depending on Matt for happiness and everything else.. that's an even better thing to do. But all these things suck, and I just wish I didn't have to make it harder on myself by moving. But I did.. and now I have to deal with it.

Also, I am really uncomfortable with how I left my last job. I keep having dreams about them, like last night.. last night I dreamt that I went to the office and bugged the assistant, and then I came back home and went to sleep or something. It was like I was sleep walking to the office. And then the employment people called and made me see a doctor because that's just creepy. I dunno.. it just didn't seem fair how it all happened.

And also.. I realized that I actually got fired on Wednesday, but I didn't check my voice mail that day. So I went in on Thursday and I'm sure everyone was like.. "What the hell is she doing here?"

I know I lost my job because of my present state of sadness. I was always moping around, sighing, being in a state of crackwhoreness. But they could have at least gave me warning.. shouldn't they? Bah.

I'm going to go work out now.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"I interviewed the cutest couple today. It makes me sad to see couples like this, because I know me and BB will never be like that. They perform together yet still do their own teaching thing at different schools. They've been married 22 years and still look like they're in love. I want a relationship like that. I don't understand why I don't think I could have something like that with BB. It's all confusing and such. Not fun, let me tell ya."