baby maybe someday
2003-07-04 In a place where I never thought I'd be again

So here's a place I never thought I'd be in again.. in Matt's bedroom, half nekkid, watching him sleep.

It was so weird last night.. I felt almost bad for being here, like.. I just shouldn't be here. But he made me feel welcome, and we spent practically 3 whole hours doing naughty activities, so it was all good. But really.. I am confused. I don't know what to think about all this.

I can't allow myself to be happy that it's happening. He's being SO SWEET! He's saying all this sweet stuff and going out of his way to do all this cute stuff and blah blah blah, BUT THERE IS NO GUARENTEE. What if I put myself through all this crap and then it doesn't work out? What if The Girl comes back after 3 weeks and wants him back? Why am I doing this to myself? Is all the nookie and good times really worth having to wait for him to decide to want to be with me?

I just want to enjoy what's going on, but it's REALLY HARD. I feel like I'm being a traitor to myself. There's only 2 things that can happen here.. either he decides he does want this relationship or he decides he doesn't. One of those things will happen, and we will either go our seperate ways or we'll fuckin get married. I just want to know what happens! Is that too much to ask?

I was talking to my small group about it last night.. I was saying that if we "break up" this time, it will be easier. It will be easier because I'll know that'll be the end for us, and I'll know that I did everything I could to save this relationship, and there's nothing left to save anymore. Of course, it's really easy to say that, but do I mean it? Probably not. It will probably hurt just as much, if not more because for a while there, he was genuinely interested in making this work.

*sigh* I don't know. I mean.. what can you do? I put myself in this situation, and I have to live with the consequences.

That's a lovely way to talk about a relatonship, isn't it? It shouldn't have to be this way.

In other news, we are some making out fools. We can just go at it all night, seriously. I love kissing him! Kissing is like.. the most rocktastic thing ever. I don't ever get tired of it. And while the rest of it is good too.. I'm not going to complain about orgasms.. making out is just the coolest.

And seriously, what's with the sex thing? He's 25 years old, it's time to give it up. I hope we do eventually get married, I really want to take this boy's virginity. I feel like he owes it to me now. His virginity for me putting up with all his bullshit. That sounds like a fair trade, right?

Why am I even awake? Why am I watching Martha Stewart?

I'm getting paid to write this entry, by the way. Totally, the concept of paid holidays? The coolest concept of all time. This is my first paid holiday ever and I just don't know what to do with myself! How fuckin awesome is it to like.. not go to work and still get paid for it?

Awww yeah.

Anyway. I have to leave here around 3 today. Maybe someday we'll actually get to spend more than 24 hours together, but I guess that's what a long distance "relationship" is all about.. finding stolen moments wherever you can. I can dig it.

Okay, I am going to go buy donut holes now. To do this, I have to walk through the front room where his roommate and the roommate's daughter are. I know that sounds harmless, but this girl has been waiting to see me for like.. a long time. Months. 8 months, practically. She asks Matt about me like every single day. She's 7 years old! It's nice to know that someone is looking out for me over here.

So I have to mentally prepare myself to walk through the front room now.

Rock on.

back & forth random
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