baby maybe someday
June 27, 2004 Three years of good clean fun!

From THREE years ago today:

"Hi. This is my first day of online diaryness! How very exciting."

And so there was a beginning.

I would like my D-land friends to join me in commemorating 3 years of D-land fun. Good times! Good times.

My life on D-Land is split in two - a year and a half as Mymichele, and a year and a half as Austinliz. They are two different lives, two very different times in my life.

The first year and a half was a college kid, a 21-year-old jerkoff that didn't know a damn thing about what it was like to live outside a college dorm. My dad told me get a job during the summer.. I got the most half-assed job I could possibly find as a research subject, where I showed up everyday for a whole 15 minutes and got paid like $2 a day. Yeah. Seriously. I had a boyfriend who I spent every waking moment with, practically, and I knew nothing outside of him.

The second year and a half was my shove into the real world. In two month's time, I was dumped by the person I had stood by and loved with all my heart for 5 years. I graduated from college. I moved to the city of my dreams, Austin. I found out that finding a job is a real bitch. I found out what it's like to miss someone so much that it actually physically hurts. I found out that I am capable of making friends, losing weight, paying my own rent. It was hard. It is hard.

Moving back to Dallas from Austin maybe wasn't the best choice, as now I'm almost in the same shape I was before I left here in the first place. But at least I know that I'm capable of turning it around.

I've moved twice in that times. I've had about 1,000 different obsessions. I've had 5 different jobs, none of which had anyting to do with what I majored in, none of which I was actually particularly good at. Well, I forgot about the newspaper job I somehow acquired.. that was a good period in my life. I've had many different hair colors, I've seen a lot of different porn. I've made some friends. I came in contact with an old friend, and realized why we weren't friends anymore - mostly because she's a raging bitch. I've been on many roadtrips, including Vegas, twice. Once to see Axl! I've seen hundreds of movies. I've seen Pauly Shore! I witnessed the near comeback of Axl Rose, and the downfall that came quickly after that. And I got my heart broken. Awww.

I'm so glad I have these years documented in the confines of D-Land. I have a lovely 1,336 entries! I would go through some of my favorites, but really, I've done that before. So here's just a few random things that I'd like to share.

This is from July 1st, 2001.

"Today, I tell you why I'm not destined to ever be truly happy.

Why is that, you ask?

Because I don't think I'm destined to ever see Guns N Roses live.

Sigh. Will I ever get to see them? Will I ever get to see my adolescent obsession, Axl Rose, up close? Will I stand in a throng of thousands of fans and pretend Axl is singing just to me?

I do not know."

That just makes me happy, right there. Not only have I seen me some Axl, but I saw me some Slash and Duff and the rest of them too! That rocks, that's what I say. I always do enjoy accomplishing dreams.

This again is from my very first entry.

"I keep having dreams about Axl Rose. That's getting annoying. I know I have a deep, ongoing obsession with him, but do I have to dream about him every night too?"

I often mused about how much I love Austin, and here's an entry where I kinda just randomly predict the events of the future:

"If you could live anywhere, where would it be? Right now it's a toss up between Austin and Las Vegas. The only way I'd move from out of the Dallas area is if me and BB broke up, and believe me, once I graduate and if we break up, I would seriously consider getting the hell out of here. I'd move to Austin. I really love Austin. But anyway."

When you write in a journal practically every single day for three years, there's a chance that at some point, you'll come across the worst day of your whole life. Mine was December 23rd, 2002:

"I hope this is the most pain I will ever feel over one boy. The boy - the MAN - that I loved so completely for 5 years is in love with someone else. Read about her and my issues here. Because she's been here before. She was the cause of our almost break-up 2 summers ago. And now she's back, he has her all to herself, and I feel like they're going to get married, they're going to have kids, she's going to take his virginity, and I'm going to be a lonely spinster with 5 dogs who nobody will ever love like he did. He used to love me. He used to hold me and kiss me and reassure me that we would be together for such a long time."

From the break-up entry that started it all:

"And it's true. I don't. I'm going to have some rude awakenings coming up, and I'm looking forward to that. Maybe it'll break me out of this funk that I've been in for so long. Maybe it'll help me relate more to humans, that sure would be nice. I want to make something happen. I want to be fucking proud of myself, for once. And I don't know how to do that. It's a little depressing so I just don't think about it, causing me to sink into the world I've made for myself, and there you go. My own little fabricated world, made for me and only me, where I'm stuck until I can get the nuts to bust out of here."

Uh huh.

From one of my favorite entries:

"So now. 4 1/2 years after I went to that first philosophy class where the teacher said "Shit" to a class of awe-struck freshman, I went to my last class. I went to Earth Science, where I watched a couple in front of me hold hands the entire class. I thought to myself that it would have been nice to have something like that. To have a boyfriend that I could study with, that I could go to class with and hold hands with. My boyfriend and I went to the same school together for 3 years, but we were only in one class together and we sure as hell didn't study together."

From my brief but oh so fun Clinical Depression phase:

"Well, you know it's going to be good times when your psycologist tells you that he thinks you're suffering from severe clinical depression. WooohooO! Party time! Give me some drugs, babeh!

Not really. I am so not happy about that. I guess I'm pretty much still in depression denial. He wants me to see a psychiatrist to get some kind of drug for me, but I don't know.. I still have this feeling that if I just suck it up and do it myself, I can get over this."

I got a special birthday present this year:

"I guess strippers like it when females get in to the mix, because she went a bit nuts. This girl was crazy insane. She like.. unbuttoned my shirt and then lifted the little black shirt I had on under it and THEN totally unsheaved the boobage and did things to them that people don't usually do to me in public places. There was tongue action, people."

I could obviously go on and on, but that was just a random sample, you get the idea.

Thanks for supporting me for 3 years, people. I really have felt the love (and sometimes the hate) from a lot of you over the years, and that's why I keep coming back. And because I'm an attention whore, but hey, what can ya do.

Rock on.



back & forth random
recently...

So be it! My last entry ever. - November 16, 2004
701 - October 17, 2004
Buh bye: An Austinliz thesis - October 03, 2004
war of the roses - October 01, 2004
fucking debate! - September 30, 2004