Me: So is like.. everything cool with yall?

Me: I'm genuinely interested, I'm not trying to get pissed off or what not.

Matt: I believe everything is better now, yes.

Me: Rock on.

Matt: It was a good evening..

Me: That's cool. I'm happy for you.

I think I'm going to throw up.

Why did I ask him that, and why do I do this to myself? I was hanging on by a thread, and now that thread is gone.. there's no reason for me to believe that they have problems, and there's no reason for me to believe there's any chance for us. Like, ever.

Maybe this is the period talking, but I just feel so worthless at this moment. I thought I'd be prepared for the time he said he was happy with her, but I'm so not. I'm fucking depressed and I'm fucking worthless. I have no skills, I'm just some chick with a college degree who can't succeed in fucking anything. I ordered pizza tonight. That's disgusting in itself.

And then I went out and spent money I didn't need to spend on all this stuff.. magazines, DVD's, all kinds of crap. And I went to Eckerds and get this trifecta that I bought: pads, Pamprin, and yeast infection cream. Of course, the only person there to check me out was some 20 year old hottie guy. And all those purchases only screams "Help! My vagina is in peril!"

I'm so sad. I think I get to a point where I can be happy, and I'm just so sad. I can't get a job and I can't be happy for more than 48 hours and I am still so in love with my ex fucking boyfriend that I can hardly fucking stand it.

I told myself I wouldn't cry anymore and I am. I would love to blame this on my hormones, but I can't. I was hoping and dreaming and wishing that their relationship would fall apart, and it's never going to, and it's not fair. It's not fair that he led me on to believe that they were on the verge of breaking up and they never were.

It's not fair. It's never going to be fair. I was dumped, and for fuck's sake, it hurts. It hurts more than these fucking cramps.

God, whatever. Just fucking whatever.