That's what I did for a week or two when I first started this looking for a job bullshit. But now I stay up until 2 am, watching 4 episodes in a row of Six Feet Under, procratinating sleep because I have nothing better to do.

I don't know.. I just don't know. I can truly look back on the past months and know that I have taken some major steps in the whole growing process, but I don't feel that much better. I still don't have a job. And the fact that time is flying by so fast is really starting to bother me. Like, this chick tonight said the last 3 weeks have felt so slow to her, like it's just one really long week that won't end. My life isn't like that. It's speeding by, and I'm worried that I'm totally wasting it.

If I were to move back to Dallas at the time I originally wanted to, I'd only have 2.5 months left here. And that's not enough to accomplish all the things I wanted to accomplish. I would go back to Dallas and remember Austin as that place where I struggled to get a job the whole time. That's not what I want Austin to be about, and that's why I'm staying.

It's just all going by so quickly, and I'm scared that it's going to be next year and I wouldn't have done anything to really fulfill myself, to make myself proud. I want that.. I want to be proud of myself. I want to kick this weird food addiction I have because my stomach is pissing me off. The rest of me looks fantabulous, but my stomach just won't go away, and it's really driving me crazy.

I want to kick my spending habits.. I totally spend way too much money on a daily basis. I want to get over that point of my life because it's just not cool anymore.

My mom said that I lived a very sheltered life in college, and I wanted to disagree with her. I went to a lot of different places, with someone I loved more than anything. We went to Canada, we went to Mexico, we went on 2 week road trips and got out of the car on busy highways to take pictures of the state lines. I did a lot of stuff in college that I'm proud of, but I was sheltered. I did get whatever I wanted, usually when I wanted it. Matt always put up with my bullshit, no matter what I did. And sometimes I don't blame him at all for just not wanting to do it anymore.

There are things in this world that I want so bad that I'm scared because of how badly I want it. Not so much Matt anymore.. because I'm starting to realize that he really doesn't care much about that happening anymore. And since I've had a while to get used to that, it seems like I'm caring a lot less about the things I used to care about. Things that drove me crazy, that kept me awake at night. And while that's a relief, I still refuse to give up on it. I love him.. sometimes it's hard to breath because I miss him so much.

And that job.. nobody called me today. Maybe, there's a tiny chance, they'll call tomorrow. Maybe I will get it after all. I really pinned my hopes on this one. I really wanted it, and I felt like I deserved it. Why wouldn't I get it? I have newspaper experience, my fucking degree is in journalism. But apparently that just isn't enough, and I have to deal with that, and move on.

It's just scary, you know? How badly I want things sometimes, it's just scary. What's even scarier is that the things I want these days, I'm just not getting them. God or whatever the hell it is is just shaking their head and saying "Nope, sorry."

I told Matt yesterday that I was having to get used to the fact that I can't always get what I want. And he said that once I get used to that, then it'll be easier to get what I want. It made sense at the time, but where do you draw the line? When does Fate decide that you're used to it?

Time is just going by so fast, like scarily fast. It seemed so recent that I came home from Matt's house the first time in months, knowing for sure that he had a girlfriend, knowing for sure that it was really over now, there wasn't any hope. I remember coming home from his house that day, absolutely devastated, absolutely heartbroken, absolutely dead inside.

I know I've evolved from the person I was in December, but sometimes I still feel dead inside. Sometimes I still feel heartbroken. He was my best friend, and now it's like he's in pain when he talks to me. It's like there's 1000 other things he'd rather be doing. It's so annoying. Just once I'd like his complete attention, just once I'd like to know that he still cares.

But I guess that's just asking too much, and I guess I should just get over it. This is my life now. I'm Elizabeth, the girl with a few friends, a caring brother, a busy ex-boyfriend, no job, and a lot of hope. That is what I am, and that's what I will continue to be.

I know this was all over the place, but the rate at which my life is going is starting to freak me out. Shouldn't I have found something to sustain me by now? It's just.. scary. But we all know that.

I look back on the past 4 1/2 months, the time that I've been in Austin, and I am relieved to see that I've moved on at least somewhat. Like this entry in January. I feel bad sometimes, maybe a lot. But I don't feel that bad anymore. My bad days are certainly a lot less bad than the ones I used to have. But I still hurt, and I'm still lost, and I still need something. I don't know what it is, but I need it. And I'm tired of looking for it.

I'm going to sleep now. That would probably be a good idea.