I am spending the night at Matt's tonight. I made some tacos for dinner. And I was standing in this familiar kitchen, cutting tomatoes and just listening to the pouring rain outside, I was almost overcome by emotion. I know how unbelievably corny that sounds, but.. what can I say?

Do you know how long its been since I stood in that kitchen and cut the tomatoes to make tacos? It's been years. Matt came in the kitchen and gave me a hug, molested me a bit, gave me a neckrub, and then went back to his room. This was a routine for us. This is what we USED to do.

I learned how to make tacos for our one year anniversary. I know exactly how he likes them, which isn't rocket science or anything, but its just nice, ya know? It's just nice. I went to Albertson's earlier to buy some Pepsi One, Shredded Lettuce, Wow Tortilla Chips and some tomatoes. That is part of a routine. A routine that we both had a part in making over the years, a routine we don't even question anymore.

I'm not sure exactly what my point is. I think it's that I'm happy. I'm happy to be here right now. I'm happy that in a week I'm moving back. I know that this might be rare, that settling into old routines might even be a bad thing, and when I'm back for good we'll do this only every once in a while. But for the time being, I'm going to enjoy it. I'm going to enjoy this feeling because I never thought I'd have it again.

I keep coming back to this entry. This is where the pain was not at its threshold quite yet, but it was getting there. Last year at this time, I could barely keep it together. Last year, the thought that I would be in the kitchen cutting the tomatoes when he comes in and randomly hugs me was almost too painful to even let myself think about.

I don't know.. it's just a whole bunch of stuff. Being together in Vegas for New Years Eve, finally coming back from Austin, spending the night at his house 2 nights in a row without even fighting once... it's a mix of stuff that's getting me all weird. But here we are. I can dig it.

From the infamous entry:

"I hate it. I hate being here when Matt is in Dallas, probably making plans with his woman, probably cuddling with her and laughing with her and doing all kinds of crap with her. I tried to claim a moral victory for myself because when I talk to him, he tells me about her flaws instead of what he likes about her. He says she thinks of herself last, she's so busy, she barely has any time for him. She's in a choir and blah blah blah.. but last night in the middle of watching The Hours I realized something. The things that drives him crazy about her are probably the things he most loves about her, too. He also tells me "She has her shit together, she's about to get a PHD, she got dumped out of a 7 year relationship with the guy she lost her virginity to, and she has it worse than you."

Yeah, I get the point. She has her shit together after being dumped, I was dumped because I didn't have my shit together. And I shouldn't be claiming victories for something I have no control over. And I have to realize that even if their relationship isn't perfect, he's still willing to try to make it work. Of all the times I've said "But you're in love with her!" he never argued. He never once said "I'm not in love with her, I barely know her." They've been dating for 2 months, and he loves her, and that makes me crazy. "