baby maybe someday
2003-07-01 Liz's 2 year anniversary - Part 2 - The Austin years

So, on January 2nd, 2003, I embarked on a new journey. I was going to move to my dream city, without the boy by side that I thought was always going to be by my side. I was going to find a job, find friends, find a life - I was going to start all over again.

Here's a few words from this journey.

Fun with church - From Jan. 12th, 2003 -

Why this entry was important - Because I joined a church, I've made some friends, I joined a support group, I've done a lot of stuff in this church. I honestly don't know what I would have done without this church. It was a lifesaver. God was a lifesaver.

Saturday - From Jan. 18th, 2003 -

"Yeah, I get the point. She has her shit together after being dumped, I was dumped because I didn't have my shit together. And I shouldn't be claiming victories for something I have no control over. And I have to realize that even if their relationship isn't perfect, he's still willing to try to make it work. Of all the times I've said "But you're in love with her!" he never argued. He never once said "I'm not in love with her, I barely know her." They've been dating for 2 months, and he loves her, and that makes me crazy. "

Why this entry was important - Because I hated Saturdays for a long time. They would haunt me. They would tease me. They would say "You used to have somebody to spend Saturday with. Now you don't. Now you're a loser." Of course, the joke was on me. He never got to spend Saturday with her. She was too busy. Heh!

Men and Women can't be friends, can they? From Jan 24th, 2003-

"Last night I stayed up until 4 am again even though I had to get up semi early today and go to my brother's house. What are we talking about with these marathon conversations? Most of all we're talking about how much we miss each other. How, in another day and time, we might be together again. We are dissecting our relationship, we are discussing things that for the most part have already been discussed. He also talks about his relationship with his girlfriend."

Why this entry was important -

Because this was Matt, being ultra depressed, majorly fucking with my head. Maybe he didn't mean to, maybe he did.. but this was not a good time in my life. It lasted about 3 weeks, and in that 3 weeks, he never broke up with The Girl even though we would talk for hours everyday. It seriously screwed me up for a while.

Porn and Blockbuster - From Feb. 1st, 2003 -

"NOT TO MENTION the fact that BLOCKBUSTER had to call me tonight to tell me that instead of turning in Bridget Jones' Diary, I turned in one of my "personal" movies. He said, and I swear to god he was trying not to burst out laughing, "Yeah, it's called "The Babysitter." Yes, that's porn. I TURNED IN PORN TO BLOCKBUSTER."

Why this entry is important - Not as important as it is funny!

Not feeling the D-land love - From Feb. 3rd, 2003 -

"I know I put my life out here online for all you to see, but that does not give you a fucking free pass. It doesn't give you a get out of jail free card that says "Hey, tell me what a dumb bitch I am and how weak I am, I'M JUST FUCKING DYING TO KNOW!" Like I don't fucking know my situation already."

Why this entry was important - Because meltdowns are fun!

A new job.. PART 1 - From Feb. 11th 2003

Why this entry was important - Because it was the first job I got in Austin, at Jason's Deli. However, it would not be the last! Muahahaha.

Back to Dallas for the first time - From Feb. 15th, 2003 -

"I'll just say this.. it gave me a lot of hope. It made me think that 5 1/2 months isn't such a long time, and it made me think that I will have a fair chance when I get back. I know I have a lot of things he's looking for in a chick, and I know he'll be thinking about those things when I come back. And of course, when I come back I'll be 30 or 40 pounds lighter and I'll be happy because I finally let it go. And I'm going to let it go. Because I know I have to if I ever want to grow. "

Why this entry was important - Because it was the first time I returned to Dallas after moving to Austin, the first time I had seen Matt in a long time. Things went well, but not great. He didn't take me in his arms and vow never to leave me again. But he doesn't do that, now does he?

I quit - From Feb. 19th, 2003 -

Why this entry was important -

Because I quit my first ever job in Austin. Why? Because it sucked. Rock on.

Well, this is different - From Feb. 23, 2003 -

"So, you think you've got things semi under control, and then you IM your ex boyfriend about a song he wanted you to hear, and then he breaks out with the "I think I was just dumped" and then all kinds of chaos ensues."

Why this entry was important - It launched a month long festival of crap that once again ended badly. I lost my job, the second one, because I was so depressed about this situation. It was bad times, yes indeed.

I am not boobs - From basically the whole month of March -

Why this entry was so important - Let's just summarize the entire month of March, mmkay? I get a job as a secretary. I suck at being a secretary, I eventually get fired. Matt strings me along while he and The Girl are "on a break". Girl cheats on him while they're on a break, but he doesn't know this until a few weeks ago. Meanwhile, I do my damndest to get him to cheat on her, but unlike Ross and much like Rachel, Matt knows what "On a break" means. No nookie. What ensues is the most craptastic month ever.

March 26th, 2003 -

Why this entry was important - Cuz it was the day I went to my first meeting of the depression support group. They really helped me out, and gave me things to focus on about myself. Good thing I skipped the meeting tonight then, eh?! Well! I had to clean my apartment! I'm sorry, depression people.

Baby Steps - From April 11th, 2003 -

"But I'm proud of myself. I drove downtown (only about 7 minutes from my apartment, which is always nice), I found a parking space all by myself! I walked a few blocks to the club and I found Lisa and I listened to the band and then I came home. This seriously is one small step for me, but one giant leap for my social life. Or something."

Why this entry was important - Because I was going out, getting a social life, and it had nothing to do with Matt. Baby steps, people, baby steps.

Mental breakdown - From April 21st, 2003 -

"I of course have to IM Matt at this time, because I haven't made things bad enough yet. But I was in a bad way.. seriously, this was one of the worst breakdowns I've had since I've been here. I talked to him for a little while and really.. he just succeeded in making me feel worse. He doesn't say what I want to hear anymore, and I have to deal with that. I have to continue to make progress and not expect him to want to be with someone who has issues with total mental breakdowns. You know, just thinking about it.. I can recall almost 5 such breakdowns since I've been here. The grandaddy of them all was, of course, the day I found out he had a girlfriend on December 23rd. That was bad. "

Why this entry was important - Because it was the last breakdown I've had, and it was almost 2 1/2 months ago. That's important to me. Those breakdowns would totally suck the life out of me and make me their bitch. The fact that I haven't had one in a long time.. that's good stuff. It really and truly is.

Pictures - From April 30th, 2003 -

Why this entry was important - I was showing off how much weight I'd lost. The ironic thing about that.. it's all gone downhill from there. I haven't lost weight since then. I've probably gained 5-10 pounds since then. But hey, at least I have a job now!

Shorts! From May 10th, 2003 -

"So I wore shorts today for the first time since I was oh.. 19 years old. 4 years. 4 summers of wearning jeans in 100 degree weather. That's over now. It's shorts time, baby, and I'm all over it."

Why this entry was important - Because, wearing shorts is important. It signifies change, and it signifies a hotter me. I can wear shorts now! Hurray!

Customer Relationship Management - From May 19th, 2003 -

Why this entry was important Because! After 2 months of looking for a job, I finally found one! In the least likely place, as well! Well, slap my dick and call me horny. This was my 3rd job in Austin. Hopefully it will be my last job in Austin.

Back to the Future - From May 29th, 2003

Why this entry was so important - I met my first D-Land person on this day. This person, and I'm not naming any names, should have taken some hints about the nature of my interests, but he did not, and now he has to pay! Muahahaha.

On a roll... From June 12th, 2003 -

"6. Haven't talked to Matt in 6 days, haven't initiated conversation in 12 days. If we don't talk by Saturday, it'll be a record in the whole almost 6 years we've known each other.

In that vein, I've been thinking about it, and I know this is the right way to go about it. If I don't talk to him, I can't analyze his conversations and take something from them that is dangerous to my mental health. Always a good deal, there."

What this entry was important - Because I was on a roll.. I wasn't talking to Matt, and I was proud of that. Little did I know what was about to happen...

Let's do this in quick list form, because it's almost time for me to go to bed:

June 13th, 2002 - Matt calls me in the middle of the night to tell me that he was cheated on, and he was dumped. He also tells me that he cheated on me for a good 4 months before we broke up. Thaaankks. Info I really did not need.

Later in the day, June 13th, 2002 - Matt actually comes through and drives to Austin in a rainstorm to see me. We talk, talk, talk, eat, and finally.. we get it on for the first time in 8 months. Fireworks went off, orgasms were had, and the first kiss.. was awesome. And each kiss after that remains to be awesome. I just really like kissing him.. mmm.. kissing. ANYWAY!

June 14th, 2003 - Matt leaves, and we still haven't gotten anything accomplished. We aren't back together. And he doesn't get back together with The Girl. And we have a quickie before he leaves.

June 20th, 2003 - I take my first call at work. It is terrifying.

June 28th, 2003 - Matt and I meet in Waco at a Motel 6. How much more romantic can you get? But it was good, it was orgasmic, and it gave me the flu.

July 3rd, 2003 - I will drive from Austin to Plano to see my Mattiebear and spend the night at his house. Do we have a specific relationship right now? No. Do we have any plans for the future? Other than limitless nookie, no. Do I care? Yes, I care. But as sad as it might seem, I will take what I can get.

So that's the past year for you. Ups and downs and nookie and no nookie.

I graduated from college, moved to a new city, made some new friends,and had a rocky relationship with a boy that I love more than anything. It was the most surreal and interesting and most explosive year of my life, and I'm anxious to see what's to come.

This was really a pain in the ass to write, so you best be signing that damn thing or I'm gonna cry!

Thank you.



back & forth random
recently...

So be it! My last entry ever. - November 16, 2004
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