The words all girls want to hear at 9 AM.

I'm not sure why my gyno told me this. Maybe because he was truly impressed with my cervix (he should be, I always try to keep it properly maintained) or maybe it was because I was crying like a baby and he wanted to reassure me.

Maybe I should tell you why I was crying like a baby. Well, it goes a little something like this:

On Monday, I went to the gyno in Dallas for my yearly check up. Got to pee in a cup, got to get in the stirrups, all that fun stuff. Yesterday, the nurse calls and says that my pap smear came back abmornal. Uh oh! My vagina is in peril!

So I call a gyno here in Austin that was recommended to me by the nurse, and this morning I woke up at the early time of 8 AM (early to me these days) and made like a baby and headed out to the gyno.

When the nurse spoke to me, I did my normal routine of confusing the daylights out of everyone. No, I haven't had my period in 2 months. No, there is no chance that I am pregnant because that requires intercourse. No, I'm not using birth control. BECAUSE I AM NOT HAVING INTERCOURSE! And then I saw the nurse had a picture of 2 beagles, so I engaged her in "my boyfriend has a puppy beagle" conversation to confuse her even more. What, she has a boyfriend but she's not having intercourse?

Anyway. I find it quite amusing that I must be dating the world's oldest virgin.

The nurse takes blood from my finger and dizamn, did that hurt or what! I would suck as a diabetic. I don't know how Stacy did it all those years. My props to Stacy.

So then the nurse tells me that like.. 90% of abnormal paps are because of the Human Pampoloma (or whatever) Virus. HPV. Genital warts! Yay! And that's when I start freaking out. I couldn't possibly have an STD if I haven't had sex in 6 years, could I? Could it possibly lay dormant for that long? And she didn't say no. And the gyno didn't say no. And I could just imagine having to call Matt and tell him that the person he's been dating for 5 years has HPV. That would be rather unpleasant.

So, we get underway with putting my feet in the stirrups and having my lady parts inspected. This was one of the most painful experiences ever. I just don't have lots of things in that area anymore, so it was just not fun to have all these things being put there, and not pleasant things. At one point he said, "This is going to feel like a menstrual cramp," and sure enough, it most certainly did! Ouch! Stop that!

And then there was the whole finger up the rectum thing that I was totally unprepared for. WOWWEE!

He said that he didn't see anything wrong with my cervix and that probably everything was okay, he'd let me know sometime next week. But I was totally freaking out. I don't see how I could possibly have HPV.. could it seriously lie dormant for 6 years? The thingie said I could get it through oral sex, too, and yeah. That worries me. I'm a little calmer since my cervix is apparently beautiful, but still. That was not a pleasant way to start off my Friday morning.

So now I'm going to take a nap because all night I kept dreaming about the VMA's for some reason. By the way, did you miss it? Catch yourself up with my very concise and detailed VMA commentary. To sum it up: Madonna, Britney and Christina provided masturbation fodder for young boys and girls alike, 50 cent won a lot of stuff, and that's about it.

Okay then.

Sidenote: I heard "Wind Beneath My Wings" at the gyno today, and I heard it at the gyno on Monday, too. Hopefully I won't hear it again the next time because than I'll have to equate Bette Midler with my vagina, and I really don't want to do that.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"It seems like he had something all planned out with all this strategic driving to my apartment and watching porn thing, but nothing happened. Not even a make out session. Maybe he wanted me to make the first move because he was always shy like that. Now that I think about it, when we used to date I usually intitiated everything, even the first kiss. It was during the friggin movie French Kiss! And then Meg Ryan is talking about the perfect kiss, and you would have thought he would have taken the hint, but noooo. So I had to whisper to him later, "Can we kiss now?" Or something to that affect. But that's not the point."

What was Liz doing a year and a day ago?

"I think BB is some genetically engineered superhuman sent to this earth to collect data on human beings. I mean, he was adopted, so we don't really know who gave birth to him, right?! Supposedly it was some 13-year-old chick, but I have issues believing that story. I think he's kinda like Jim Carrey in the Truman Show.

I mean, it's the 3rd day of school and he's taking one of those self-paced classes.. he's already finished with the class. He's gotten a 4.0 every semester for the past 3 years. He lost 120 pounds in 4 months. He's overcome amazing things. He has been lifting weights for about 3 weeks and already there's huge muscles in his arms now. He's a genetic super freak. And someday I will get to the bottom of this controversy. Just you watch."

What was Liz doing 2 years ago?

"It's little things that make me the happiest lately. It's just such a relief to have someone see you while you're walking to class and call out your name like they're happy to see you. Nothing like that used to happen. Friends are such a relief."

and..

"I'm such a feminist. My mom and I tried to get my TV down the stairs, but it didn't work very well, so I said fuck this and I went downstairs to the office and got a guy to do it for me. Hey! It's a heavy TV, damnit! Why struggle to carry it when you can just get a guy to do it? Ahh, the joys of womanhood."

*****