I'm still on hiatus, but I wanted to do an entry before I left for 2 weeks. I'm kooky like that, I suppose.

So, we really are going to Vegas now. Matt did a lot of research about mileage and money and all that crap and we discovered that going to Vegas isn't out of bounds for our budget. So, we're going! We leave on Friday. We're not going to be there for NYE, however, because as you know, it's a little hard to find a hotel room on such short notice for less than like.. $400. So we're spending NYE at the Radisson in Tucson, Arizona! Woo, party time.

I'm excited. I'm a little nervous, too. I don't have a whole lot of money for this trip, and recent events with my dad made me nervous. As in, I think I might be getting a new car for Christmas, and while that obviously is awesome, I worry about taking a brand new car out on a 2,500 mile road trip the day after I get it.

I also managed to get my first job interview in Dallas! It's actually for an internship, but it pays actual money, so it's all good.

The real reason I'm writing today, however, is because of the date. Today, December 23rd, 2003. A year ago today was one of the worst days of my life, and you know what? I haven't forgotten it. At all. I still remember the events of that day with remarkable clarity.

I remember seeing Matt for the first time in 2 months, expecting it to be different but having no idea how different it would be. I remember feeling like he abandoned me. I remember FINALLY learning that he had a girlfriend, more horrifingly, who that girlfriend was. Her. The Girl. The girl who wouldn't go away.

I cried harder than I've ever cried in my life that night, and that's saying a lot. I BEGGED Matt to let me come back over, to have one more night of intimacy, one more night of being together. I had no pride.. I would have done anything to be in his arms just one more time. It didn't work that way, though. Instead, he showed me a picture of them together. Him, and Her. It made me crazy.

The next day, Christmas Eve, was almost just as bad. My dad kept yelling at me because I couldn't stop crying. Donna had to make a little calender on a piece of paper. Every 30 minutes that I didn't erupt in tears, I got to mark an X on the paper. It was all about getting through the day. It was all about not collapsing with total and complete despair.

That was just the beginning. Until June, when they broke up, I was a total mess. Just when I would think I was over the whole thing, I'd just think of them together, them holding each other, them getting married, and it would all come back. The feeling of total and complete despair. It didn't go away until I knew that they were not getting back together.

I just remember that day so well, and while there's total relief that I don't feel that way anymore, there's also a different feeling. Maybe it's a feeling of sadness that after I went through all that, I got back together with the person who caused all the pain. I don't know. It's weird.

Anyway. I have about 13,000 things to do today, so I will be going now. I'm really nervous about this next two weeks. Keep me in your thoughts!

I'm going to Vegas, baby!

*****

"Ohmygod.

I hope this is the most pain I will ever feel over one boy. The boy - the MAN - that I loved so completely for 5 years is in love with someone else. Read about her and my issues here. Because she's been here before. She was the cause of our almost break-up 2 summers ago. And now she's back, he has her all to herself, and I feel like they're going to get married, they're going to have kids, she's going to take his virginity, and I'm going to be a lonely spinster with 5 dogs who nobody will ever love like he did. He used to love me. He used to hold me and kiss me and reassure me that we would be together for such a long time.

He held me today. He made me think that there was a glimmer of hope. He made me think that I still had some kind of involvement in his life. But now I'm sitting here talking to him, pretty much begging to see him again so we can ravage each other one more time, and it's just rock bottom. It's raining, there's lightening, I look good, and it would just be so awesome to see him one more time. To spend one more night in his arms. To feel, for one night, how I used to feel: invincible. Like nothing could ever touch me because I had someone and their strength behind me. It was okay that I wasn't strong because he was strong, and he backed me up. But now I have nothing to back me up. I'm out here on my own. And it sucks. Oh my god, it sucks so bad.

He held me today. He held me in his arms and stroked my hair and my face and he made me feel like everything is okay when it's not okay. He is in love with someone else. He is 24 years old, and he wants to settle down soon, and he's going to lose his virginity to her and marry her and have children with her!

I know I already said that, but it just seems so.. horrifying.

I've already messed this thing up beyond comprehension, and I have no pride anymore. I'm begging him. If I could get on my knees and beg him, I so totally would. In my next incarnation of life in Austin, this will not happen again. I will never let a man completely control my heart. It hurts more than I can ever possibly imagine it hurting, and it sucks, and it just.. sucks.

Anyway. I'm gonna go cry now.