You're a communist if you don't think this picture is the cutest ever:

So, Matt and I had our semi-annual relationship chat last night, the one where we both have our scripted things to say and such like this. To my credit, I haven't instigated a conversation like that since, like, April. So at least I managed to hold off for that long.

I don't know.. I feel like he's keeping me around because he's too busy to try to find someone else, but at the same time, I'm not "good enough" for him to be anything else than a once a week companion when he gets lonely, bored and horny. It's all very frustrating and I kinda feel like I'm just spinning my wheels here. But at the same time, I'm too lazy to bother looking for someone else too, because I'm afraid I'll run into the same problem - what the hell do I have to offer right now? I am so focused on looking for a job and shit like that that I'm just abandoning everything else, including my search for friends and my weight issues.

I don't feel good about myself right now, obviously. I feel a lot better than I did last year at this time when I got fired from my crap job, that's for sure. But I know I have so much left to improve on and while I want someone along for the journey, I'd almost rather do it by myself and then present the end product to someone who will see someone who has their shit together and not see all the work I had to put into that.

Does any of that make any kind of sense?

Not to mention the fact that Matt just got his Masters Degree a few days ago, so now his ego is totally maxing out. I'm proud of him for accomplishing that and I'm proud that he's in a doctorate program, AND I'm proud that he's making a name for himself in this world, but damn! The ego!

In completely different news, I've been listening to a lot of classical music. It makes me miss being in the orchestra (in junior high and high school) and it makes me want to get my viola out of storage and take lessons again.

Orchestra was such a good experience for me in my younger years. It was my prime center for finding friends (Hello, Ali-Kat) and it was a really good way to express myself, I think. I also loved shocking people.. when people found out that this weird heavy metal chick

a. didn't take drugs

b. was in orchestra

they usually tended not to believe me. I loved defying stereotypes.

I chose the viola because in 6th grade, there was a day at school where we chose if we wanted to join the band or the orchestra. I wanted to join the band and learn to play the saxophone, but my best friend Amanda somehow convinced me to join the orchestra with her. I followed her to the orchestra line, and when I heard about the viola and how different it was from the violin, I chose that. Because, you know, I was all into that whole being different thing.

But I miss it. I abandoned it after high school because I just didn't love it anymore. But it's a unique talent to have and it didn't come easy to me.. one of my music teachers actually said that I was "musically illiterate".. after that, I worked my ass off so I could prove her wrong.

My high school ring was one of a kind because on one side, it had "truth" on it, for the journalism part of me. On the other side, it had "music", for the orchestra part of me. And those two things were really what defined me in high school, and I dig that.

I don't know why I felt like I needed to go of on that tangent, but there ya go. I miss my Viola. His name is Elden, after the painter guy on Murphy Brown. I like to name things.

Quick hits:

I am so in love with my hair. It's purty!

I am wearing a skirt today. It's all very exciting.

I only watched one whole episode of CSI this weekend, the rerun on Spike TV on Friday night. I am proud of myself.

I still have this weird raging crush on one of our clients. I've had it for almost 6 months now and I refuse to do anything about it. I still go to his office once or twice a week to get him to sign stuff, and I still wish that his tall red-headed ass will want to get some of this. But that's okay. His dad was the creater of this furniture rental place and so he has like, millions of dollars. I want to use him for his money and his super sperm.

Uh huh.

I have to go to the dentist today and I'm not looking forward to that.

I have to poop now.

People have found me lately by searching for:

"dallas grass", "GRISSOM LOVES HEATHER", "Drag Queens Kissing" (in which I'm #7!), "Man to man suck anal" (pretty!), "fucking hard" (I'm #1! Woohoo!), "Napa Valley Sucks Ass", and "Milkshake in the mail"... it's all very good times.. you gotta love Google.

*****

a year ago..

"I got fired."

and..

"Now it's round 3 of looking for a job. So far, I've quit one job after 3 days, I got fired from a temp job because I was depressed all the time, and I got fired from customer service because I can't relate to humans. That's not the greatest track record, I have to tell ya."

2 years ago..

"At 4 am this morning, BB woke me up to tell me that I was actually sleeping on top of the laptop! He said it looked like I was snuggling with it. You know things are bad when you fall asleep with a computer in your arms."

Three years...

"As soon as I arrived today, we engaged in some good nookie. I'm just so glad that we still are attracted to each other after all this time. I think that rocks."