In the past 4 hours I have:

- made popcorn just so Matt and I could eat popcorn together, 200 miles apart.

- Put my monitor on the floor and am now lying on the floor instead of sitting in a chair because it's really a lot more comfortable.

- Got my ex-boyfriend off via the miracle of cyber sex.

- cried a little because before that, we really were having a nice little heart to heart chat about life in general.

- Am staying up preposterously late just so I can talk to him a little more.

I would do anything for this boy and I'm tired of apologizing for it. He's special. He's different. He's someone I would truly like to spend the rest of my life with. I know there's only a small chance of that happening, but he's not exactly saying that it won't. And I know that I'm hanging on by a thread here, but I believe in him. And I believe in us.

And I guess if we can't be "together" together, we can still be good friends. He said that he misses me more for our friendship than the sex, because we really were best friends.

It just sucks to be so intimate with someone and then just lose it because you broke up. You don't have to lose it, do you?

Maybe I'm just delerious from the fact that I long since decided I was too tired to be awake right now. And I have to be at my brother's house at 10, and it's already 3, so that means I aint getting a whole lot of sleep tonight. But you know what? I just don't care anymore. I love him, I love talking to him, and I love that he still wants to be a part of my life. And yeah, the fact that I got him off just from being all deviant and naughty, that helps matters a little, I'm not gonna lie.

I don't know why I felt like I had to share all this with you, but whatever. I am a wacky lady.