Is it possible to have a hatred for yourself of the past? I hate my past. I hate that I spent an entire 4 years basically shacking up with someone instead of getting out in the world and doing the things that NORMAL PEOPLE DO.

I am so in a funk today. And I hate that of all people, my dad ALWAYS knows when I'm feeling like a loser. I went to his office to deliver stuff today and he was all "WHAT'S WRONG! IS SOMETHING WRONG?"

Yes, something is wrong. I'm a big fat failure. It's been a year and a half since I graduated from college, WHERE THE HELL IS MY JOB?! I'm sitting here all day in this chair looking at internet stuff like Friends Episode Guides and wondering how the hell I ended up here. I am 24 years old and I have NOTHING TOGETHER! The only really good thing about my life right now is that I have my money situation together, and that's ONLY because I won some money in the fucking LOTTERY!

I look back at entries like this that I wrote a year ago and I'm thinking.. Thank God it's not like that anymore. But seriously, isn't it? I am back in Dallas, yes. I have a job, yes. But other than those two facts, I am still struggling with the same damn things. Matt and I.. we're okay. There has been some long stretches lately where I have suddenly realized that I haven't thought about him at all in the past 10 minutes/30 minutes/an hour. And that makes me happy, but it's not improvement. He's still in my life. We see each other when we can and when we feel like it. But it's just.. there. And I know why it's just there.. I am a jackass.

Even a year ago I was doing better than I am now. I was losing weight, making friends, slowly but surely trying to move on with my life. But even then, I still have the same past. I still made the same mistakes, and I can't get away from that. I spend at least an hour or two everyday sitting here online looking for a job. They all want something more. And I'm tired of it, and I'm in a rut, and I feel like shit. Not to mention that I have some serious panty line issues today.

In college, I SHOULD have gotten an internship. What are they, like 15 hours a week or something? I could have done that so easily. I could have realized that NOT GOING TO MATT'S HOUSE and instead FURTHING MY EXISTENCE on earth would have been worth it.

I don't know what to do. The deal here at this job was that I'd work here for 3 months while I worked on myself and my shit and looked for another job. It's been 2 months, I'm still fat, I still have no friends, and I still have no life. It's getting on my nerves. It's making me feel like shit. I don't know what to do here. Everyday is the same. Everyday I end up dissapointing myself. And this is not how it should be.

Just a sidenote: It's funny that I am only have "One of those days" now that my roomate has been gone for a week and half. When she's here I'm not even thinking about what a screw-up I am. I miss her and the constant interaction we always share. Bah.

The one thing I scrounged up for myself is that tonight I'm going to a small group at a church that I'm mildly interested in. I don't know how that's going to go, but at least it's a tiny little step in the right direction.

I almost wish I could quit this job and have a month to work out everyday and all that crap. But then I'd slip into that "Have all day to do absolutely nothing" stage again and I'd never accomplish anything.

I know I've said this 100 times in this entry, but I don't know what to do. I'm stalling, I can't seem to make things right. I want to make people proud. I want to make myself proud. And I'm just not doing it right.