I am writing this through my tears. I know that later I'll go to church and see some friends, and after that I'm going to hang out with my brother and that'll be fun, but right now.. I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate waking up in the morning.

It is so fucking depressing to wake up by myself. I can't stand it.. especially on a Sunday. I used to wake up next to Matt.. I used to wake up, see that he had an amazing case of morning wood, I'd give him a kiss, and I'd go do my own thing. We had a system.. even though he frequently wouldn't go to bed until 4 or 5 or 6, I'd go to bed at 2 or 3, wake up at 9 or 10. He'd wake me up before he went to bed, and tell me all about the stuff I'd say in my sleep, give me a hug, sometimes initiate some crazy nookie, and we'd fall back asleep together. I'd wake up, go run some errands, write an entry, work out, whatever. When I'd come back, he'd be awake, and we'd do our thing.

It's shit like that I miss the most and when I was with him, I'd respect the least, I'd take for granted the most. I miss falling asleep to him typing. I miss waking up to his erection. I miss the road trips, I miss cuddling with his roommate's daughter. I miss secret shopping with him. I miss telling him that I love him before I went to bed, and I miss waking up next to him in the morning, knowing that I had someone who loved me, knowing that I had someone who believed in me the way I believed in him.

I miss going to the bathroom with the door open. I miss having to put the toilet seat down everytime I went to the bathroom. I miss his passion for high school football. I miss running my fingers through his hair, rubbing his neck in the spot that always made him sleepy. I miss knowing that someone was there to love me no matter what I did. It gave me a reason to wake up in the morning when I felt like there was nothing else. And now I feel like there's nothing else.. he loves someone else, and I know I have to wake up anyway, and I hate it. I hate my life, I hate being in Austin, and I hate being without him.

It's been five months (I know that's a song.. me and that song aren't quite getting along right now) and I'm still crying when I wake up in the morning. That's not right. That's not good. In 4 days, April 3rd, it would have been our 5 1/2 year anniversary. 5 1/2 years. To celebrate our 6 month anniversary 5 years, I went all out.. I bought him so much crap he didn't even know what to do with it. I went to his trailer when he wasn't home and I decorated it so he'd be surprised when he got home. He loved it. He really did.

If 6 months comes by and I'm not over this, I don't know what I'm going to do. He slowed my greiving process by making me think 2 different times that there was hope for us, and there wasn't. And I'm still waking up in the morning and crying. There's something wrong here.. and I can't do it anymore. I have to get out of this.. there's so much more waiting for me on the outside.

I know all the bullshit about not letting a man define you.. not letting a man be the sole reason for your happiness. But I did that. And now I'm paying for it. And it hurts so bad.. and I don't know what my purpose is in my life. Maybe if I had friends, if I had a job that meant something, if I had anything.. it would be better, and I could better get over him. But I have nothing here.. just a crackwhore dirty apartment that I refuse to clean, and nothing but my own thoughts to keep me company.

It's a miserable existence, and I still have 4 months left of it. What if I don't find a job? What if I just can't get over him, and he fucking marries this girl? What if I just can't do it? What if I really can't make it on my own? What if my childish dreams really are totally childish.. what if I never get to publish a novel, and I have to work 9-5 every day for the rest of my life, with only 2 weeks of vacation?

What if I have to live my life without him?

I'm going to go get ready for church.. maybe that'll cheer me up a little.

For fun times, here's the email I sent Matt this morning. It sucks, but I suck. So there ya go.

*****

Subj: Good morning, sweetness.

Date: 3/30/2003 8:52:36 AM Central Standard Time

From: Me

To: Matt

Morning, M Bear! It's Sunday! Where a whole lot of nothing is going on! I'm gonna go to church and say hi to God, and later you're probably gonna go have good Wrestlemania times. Member when we went to Wrestlemania? Yeah. That was good times.

You know what? I miss you lots. If someone would ask me how much I miss you, I'd put my arms way out like I'm gonna fly, and I'd say "I miss Mattiebear THIS much!" But that sounded really lame so I'll shut up now.

I hope you're a happy boy lately.. I really do miss you a lot. I know I should be happy here in Austin without you, but lately it's just been a little difficult. I hate waking up alone.. it's one of the worst feelings in the world. And when I do wake up alone, I feel like I don't have a purpose for waking up.. like there's nothing that's going to happen today that I feel like I should have a part of, because I don't contribute much. I know that's crap and you don't want to hear it and you're happy and don't want to be bogged down in my unhappy bullshit, but I dunno.. you're my best friend and I just want to be able to talk to you.

I'm making friends and even my brother is saying that I look really good lately and that he knows I'm becoming more mature.. but it's so hard out here. So hard to see those 4 months looming ahead of me, and so hard to even begin to comprehend that I have to get over you or else I'm just going to get even more depressed.

Sorry about this email.. it's just so freakin sunny outside and I hate that. Tomorrow I'm going to wake up and follow up on jobs I find in the paper. On Tuesday, there's a job fair that I'm going to, so that should be good times. If I don't find a job by Wednesday, I'm going to see my new puppy Bosco at the farm, and I'm going to beg my dad for money. Sounds like fun, doesn't it?

I love you so much, and not just romantically, but as a person. You are so good to me, and so good to so many other people, and I just miss that. I miss it so much. Have a good day, sweetie, and remember that someone out here isn't ever going to forget the effect you had on their life.

I know I'm going to regret sending this, but what can ya do sometimes.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"BB is ignoring me to do work so I think I'm gonna go watch Gladiator on DVD now. BB doesn't like my Russell Crowe addiction. He doesn't mind the Axl obsession, though. I asked him why he didn't mind Axl but he got his panties in a wad about Russell and he said, "Well, at least Axl is somewhat cool."

I think it's important to know that BB has named his errr.. appendage Russell. Like a long time ago. I don't know why that's important to note, but you know, I'm a dork like that."