So I was talking to Matt today, and I was having a little tizzy fit because I don't really understand what's going on right now. He's saying that even though they might be over, he's not giving up on her quite yet. He's saying he's scared that if we get back together, nothing is really going to change. And you know, there's a chance of that. But I just think that since I'm out of the environment I was in for the past 5 years, since I live here, since I'm out in the real world now.. things are going to be different. But you never really know.

So he asked me to write him a story about where I saw us in a few years. Where I saw our careers, our relationship, our friendships.. so I wrote this 3 page story, and it was cute. And since I'm already in a contemplative mood, I'm going to take an idea from her and her and talk about what I want.

What do I want?

I want Matt to fall back in love with me. I want him to feel the way he did in the first couple of months when I couldn't do anything wrong. He pursued me during that time. He couldn't get enough of me.. it was crazy. And then he found out the real me, and he found out that I would be there for him no matter how hard he fucked it up, and it probably all went downhill from there.

I want to spend nights in his arms, I want to look in his eyes and know that I'll be looking into his eyes forever. I want to marry him at my dad's farm on an October night with just the moon as our light, with me standing next to him, barefoot. I want to kiss him in front of all our family and friends and show them all that we could make it. It was a long journey, but we could make it. After that, I want to go with him to a remote location, strip him of his innocence, and fall asleep in his arms, knowing that we would be together forever.

I want to be a novelist. I want to be as big as Mary Higgins Clark, but I'll settle for Jennifer Crusie, who has a steady following and writes damn good books. I want to go on book tours and be able to go on long vacations where I'd write in the morning while Matt slept, and then when he wakes up we go exploring together.

I want to make love to him and make babies with him, and I want to raise babies with him, knowing that our love produced this child, this person that represents our union, our struggle to make ourselves into the people we have wanted to be for so long.

I want to lose 50 more pounds and be able to wear lingerie and tank tops and shorts. I want to wear bikinis and I want Matt to show me off. Lame, but I'm tired of being fat, and I'm tired of not feeling like I'm good enough to be shown off. I want people to tell me I'm beautiful.

I want to be truly happy, the kind of happy that gets things accomplished, the kind of happy that's infectious and makes other people happy too.

I want to have 4 or 5 really close girl friends who get together from time to time to chat about life and drink wine or margaritas together. I want them to be in my wedding, and when I'm 55 years old I want to meet them for lunch and talk about what has happened over the years. My mom did that recently with women she graduated from college with, and I want to do that.

I want a strong spiritual base. I want to live my life like I know I should, following the rules that God has set for me. I want the man I spend my life with to do the same, so we can grow not only physically and emotionally and sexually, but spirtually as well.

I want to spend the rest of my life with a caring man, one who inspires the people around him to better themselves. I want to spend my life with a man who is extremely intelligent yet still on my level, someone who respects me for everything I bring to the relationship. I want to spend my life with Matt, because I love him and I know he'd take care of me like I'd take care of him.

I mean, that's not too much to ask, is it?