I am SO ANGRY. I think I might have gone from my denial stage to my anger stage in the past couple of days, and honestly, I'm not sure which stage I like better.

I guess it has to do with the fact that I wrote Matt this stupid email yesterday. I know, I know, I put myself in it and this is what happens. But I wrote him this email, and when he responded, he said that he wishes I could talk to him him so he could "help me get over my problems."

That's funny. He can help me get over the problems he caused in the first place.

So I IM him and I ask, "How do you think you can help me with this problem, Matthew? Your only advice is "Get a job, make friends." And he says, "Well, maybe if I tell you that enough you'll go do it."

Argghhh. I am SO MAD at him, and here's why: he gave up. I find myself getting mad at him everywhere now. At the grocery store when I was buying stuff to make fajitas last night. When I saw two red Dodge Rams in front of me on the street. When I hear Pink Floyd on the radio. He even took the pictures of Charlie down from his website, and those have been there for 3 years. That really shows me that he's OVER IT. He doesn't give a fuck anymore. He's moved on to his little frigid girlfriend who is his intellectual equal, but doesn't give him head and doesn't make good cheeseburgers.

He gave up. He didn't have enough confidence in us to believe that we could make it. And that makes me SO FUCKING MAD. I couldn't sleep last night because I was so mad.

God damnit. I'm so fucking tired of crying over this fucking asshole. So fucking tired of it. There's a constant dialog running through my head now.. it used to be "I'm so fat, I'm so fat, I'm so fat, I'm so fat," now it's "I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him."

I HATE HIM. I hate everything he fucking stands for in my fucking life. I hate the fact that it took me 3 FUCKING MONTHS to get this angry. It took me 3 FUCKING MONTHS to realize that he's a fucking asshole and I don't need him in my life.

I can't take this shit. I fucking hate my life right now and if it doesn't change in the next week, I don't know.. I just don't know.

One of the employment agencies just called and asked if I wanted an assignment doing mail merge stuff with Word and Excel and I said NO! Because I only have a basic knowledge of the stuff. I am such an idiot, I should have said yes. I could have faked my way through it.

I hate Monday mornings. I don't want to be awake right now. I don't want to be crying right now. I wish I could sleep for another 8 hours and wake up in the dark instead of the sun. The sun exposes my fears and my anger and my confusion and my frustration, and I just want it to die.

It seems like I cry when I wake up every morning. Natalie, when I talked to her on Christmas Eve, one of the worst days of my life, said that I was allowed to cry. I could cry in the morning when I woke up, and then be done with it for the day. Except I cry ALL THE TIME.

The bottom line is this - I wasn't good enough for him. I wasn't good enough to maintain our relationship, I wasn't good enough to keep him intellectually, emotionally, and physically stimulated, and now he's with someone else. He doesn't care about me anymore. Why is that so hard for me to accept? Why can't I get over this? Why can't I move on?

I wrote him that email yesterday to explain why I wasn't talking to him anymore because I imagined him sitting at home being all sad that I wasn't talking to him, but the joke's on me. He doesn't care. He has his own life, his own things going on, and I've been out of it for so long that he's probably used to it now. He probably likes it now. I just hope that there are moments when it gets late at night and he has no one to talk to, he thinks of me. He thinks of how bad I hurt, how bad he hurt me, and how he gave up on us, and I hope he feels like shit.