The main part of the dream that really got to me was this premise: first of all, I meet Lori, ye of the perfect girlfriend. And she was like.. really fantastically nice. So it made it really hard to hate her.

But then somehow I managed to convince Matt to cheat on her, and for a few minutes, we had this one AMAZING kiss. Like, I can still feel that kiss today. And then I gave him a blow job, but that's neither here nor there.

After all this happens, I expect us to get back together, to have this amazing affair, right? And of course it doesn't happen because.. and let's all say it together now.. HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND. No matter what I do, he will have that girlfriend, and I think that's just good to know.

I think my subconcious was just trying to get that point across. I can talk to him all I want, I can see him all I want, but that will never change the fact that he has a girlfriend.

I hate that he has a girlfriend, as you might have noticed. It shakes me to my inner core, it makes me question everything that I've ever done, everything I believe in. And when I do think about talking to him, I just think to myself "He has a girlfriend. He has a fucking girlfriend." And then I get over it.

That dream sucked, though. The kiss we had was so amazing.. it made me really horny. And like.. I can't do anything about it, even with myself, due to the current nature of my uterus shedding its lining or what not. It really makes me miss him and the way we would be intimate together. I haven't gotten any since October, and for someone who's used to having all her orgasm needs fulfilled by one person for 5 years, that really SUCKS. It SUCKS ASS.

But at least I have comfort in the fact that he's not getting any either from the non-perverted preacher's daughter. He must miss that, too. But I'll shut up before I start getting into that line of questioning.

And speaking of dumb shit I do at night.. I woke up at 5:30 this morning because of something or other, and when I came in here to check my email, I noticed that I still had a candle burning. Can you imagine?! I left a candle buring for like 8 hours, and somehow I managed not to burn the apartment down.

*shakes head*

*****

Songs I would give at least 2 or 3 months of my life not to hear ever again:

1. Beautiful, Christina Aguilera (It was on 2 stations at once today. And she's all, "I am beautiful in every single way, and I am also a total trashy tramp so if you dress like me you can be beautiful too.")

2. Your Body is a Wonderland, John Mayer - Holy Christ, that song SUCKS. SUCKS ASS. I want to stick my keys up in my nose and hit my BRAIN CAVITY when I hear that song.

3. Daniel Bedingfield's song about some shiznit.. I hate that dude's voice. And I hate that song.

4. Landslide, the Dixie Chicks - It's not just that that song makes me want to lie in the fetal position and cry, it's just not good how they do it. It's a crappy version of the song and I'm tired of hearing it wherever I go.

5. Assorted other bullshit.

6. Picture, Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow - I heard it yesterday when I was in my "I hate life and I want everyone to die" phase, and unfortanetly it was during personal training. I think Kyle probably wanted to physically kick my ass for whining so much yesterday. Also, I want to have monkey sex with him. That has nothing to do with anything but it's important to know. It's not that its a bad song, something about it just hits a nerve with me. Like "I just called to say I love you, come back home.." I wish I could come back home. I wish he was calling me and saying that, you know. Bah.

*****

I hope this week goes by fast.. and I hope I find a job this week. The one at the gift shop.. I want it so bad. I'm worried that since I have no experience and it's a relatively upscale place, I have no chance of getting it. But I'm also willing to work full time, I have a college degree, I'm a fast learner, I have my own transportation, and I would do anything to learn what this job is all about. I want it bad.. it's just something that I feel like I need. So this week will be devoted to that, plus other engagements, I guess. I'm going to an all day mortgage conference on Tuesday for Donna, which should be about the most boring event on the planet, but she's giving me $100, so I'm in no position to complain, really.

And Friday I get to go to Dallas, which I'm just unnaturally excited about. I still want to see Matt, but I'm pretty sure that's just not going to happen. And that's a good thing.

*****

It's so sunny today. I feel like I should go out and experience nature, but like.. that sucks. Right? Right.