So many people at 24 have accomplished at least something with their lives, and I really feel like I haven't yet. I mean.. I have done a few things I am proud of - I graduated from high school, and then college, and I moved to a city that I've always loved, but other than that, there's really not a whole lot I can brag about.

I know I've said this a lot through the years, but I almost feel like I lost a good 4.5 years when I was in college. I seriously feel like I could be 20 years old and have the exact same characteristics and history and mindset. I feel more like an 18-year-old than I've ever felt 24 in my life. And seriously? 2 months and I'll be 25. TWENTY FIVE years old. Does that scare the living fucking shit out of anyone else?

Yesterday Matt said that by the time we're 25, we're going to be what we're going to be. Just to add to his always expanding ego, he said, "So, I'm going to be a success!" I wanted to kick him in the balls because

a. I knew he was right

b. I will not be a success.

I have 2 months to get a job where I can possibly make something out of myself. I don't know how to do that! I feel so trapped with this job situation.. I want to wring my job situation's neck and yell and scream "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, ASSHOLE!" Because I just don't know. I go to interviews, I give it my all, I have enthusiasm, I have the desire to succeed, and it still hasn't worked out because I just don't have the experience.

I don't know what happened with those 4 and half years I lost in college. I know that in the beginning it must have bothered me a little that I was putting out little to no effort to the universe, but eventually, it stopped bothering me. It stopped occuring to me that maybe, just maybe, I was doing it wrong. Maybe I should have gotten off my ass and realized that to get anywhere, you have to do something other than order pizza 3 times a week, play Scrabble all day long on the computer, and scratch my balls all day long. Why didn't that ever occur to me?

I know in my senior year it started dawning on me that maybe, just maybe, I totally and completely screwed myself over. But by then, it was totally too late. Maybe Matt should have dumped me sooner than when I only had 2 months left of college to go, but maybe it didn't even occur to him that we both still had things to accomplish before it was acceptable to sit on our asses and do nothing all day long. Whatever it was, we both realized it too late. And now while he's managed to get it together and will probably someday really make something of himself, I don't know what will happen to me. I need a job. I don't know how to get one. And I feel like the youngest 24 year old alive.

I feel like almost none of the past 6 years of my life, ever since I graduated from high school, have really made a difference or an impact on anything. If these last 6 years disappeared, nothing would really be different in my life. Seriously. Maybe the whole graduating thing and the Austin thing, but other than that, I don't feel like I've grown AT ALL. And that seriously disturbs me.

I could go on and on about this, but I'm tired of it. I want to go to Kinko's and find Andria because I lost her number and that's where she works, and I want to take her and Chris (another Matchmaker friend, we talked earlier this morning online) and myself out somewhere to get really horribly intoxicated, and I want to muse about what it was like back in the Teen Matchmaker days when I really was 18 years old and had my full life ahead of me. When I was dating Andria's ex-boyfriend James before I met Matt and how Chris had this raging crush on Andria and how we were all this little incestous bunch of friends.. I want that life again. I haven't moved on from that life because the universe hasn't taught me how, and I feel like I'm too weak to figure it out on my own.

*takes a deep breath*

Anyway.

In other news, I feel really dirty today. I've had dreams 2 nights in a row about a certain person in my life, and my dreams have the power to completely take over my mind sometimes, and now I'm having all these weirdo thoughts and MAYBE having a COMPLETELY innapropriate crush on someone that I'm actually going to see TOMORROW at my future stepbrother's birthday party (he's going to be 5!) and I just feel DIRRTY! And that was the longest sentence ever Ugh. Gross. The chicks that I work with have given me the wise advice of "Just sleep with him and get it out of your system!" Oh yeah. Thanks for that.

I haven't had an inappropriate crush like this one ever since I had a mega crush on my cousin 10 years ago!

Hey! He's a very attractive man.

UGH! DIRTY! BAD!

That is all. I think I need to go take a bath or something.

On a related note, Radio AOL is playing the Alternate version of Don't Cry, and it's making me feel kinda funny, like when I used to climb the rope in gym class.

Ali-Kat, call me.

*****

a year ago...

"Things just feel different this time around. I used to stare at the clock and will the time to go by faster. I'd watch as the minute changed and thanked God that it was one minute closer to when I was able to go to bed. I'd do that. I'd do it a lot. I'd go out of my apartment and try to find something to do for hours just so I could say that I did something. Just so I could silently prove to Matt that just because I didn't have a job, that didn't mean I didn't have a social life."

2 years..

"I'll save some valuable space here and just put it to you like this: I am fat. I am fat. I am fat. Fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat. I am fat. I am fat. I am fat."

3 years...

"I think the fat Julia Roberts in Americas Sweethearts was a lot better looking than her skinny version."

and..

"My guilty pleasures include: McDonalds breakfast bagels, crushing only on teachers, My So Called Life, AM Sports Radio.

6 random things in my handbag/briefcase/backpack: cell phone, notebook, brush, underwear, book, birth control pills

3 things that can ruin an otherwise happy day for me: Too much sun, a bad grade, icky boys.

3 things that can turn around a heinous, shitty day: Seeing my puppy, rain, a nice email from my boyfriend.

Three people essential to my existence: My mom, my former best friend Alison, my boyfriend.

Three essential-to-my-existence clothing items: Mismatched socks, Doc sandals, my 12 Old Navy shirts."