My father wrote me a lovely email yesterday, insisting upon the fact that my life this year has been a "waste." I'm sorry, but I refuse to believe that the last year of my life was wasted.

It's not easy to graduate, move to an entirely new city, get dumped by your boyfriend of 5 years for the perfect woman.. it's not easy to do these things in the first place. But I am weird. I do things differently. I feel like it affected me more than the normal person because:

a. I was depressed at the time anyway

b. Because I am socially retarded.

c. Because college was all about Matt, not really getting an education or making friends.

And I do regret that. I wish I could go back and start college over. But I REFUSE to belive that the last year of my life was a waste! I had 4 jobs, I lost weight and then gained it back, I got "back together" with Matt, I made friends, I got seriously depressed, and in between all that, I learned a few things about myself. I learned what I have to do to put myself out there to get what I want. I did a bad job of doing that, but at least I know that I tried.

Is he right? Have I wasted this year? It wasn't easy graduating in this economy with the very little experience I have. But I probably could have done more. I could have experienced more. I could have gotten out of bed and really tried to experience life instead of fucking it all up, which he's making me feel like I've done.

It's not fair. He makes me question everything about myself. He makes me wonder if anything I've ever done is worthwhile to anyone. He makes me feel like a big stupid useless turd. I resent it. It makes me feel like shit. It makes me doubt myself. It makes me feel like I've accomplished nothing in the fucking 24 years I've been alive.

I don't want my life to be all about proving my fathe wrong. I want to live it according to my standards of what I think is right. No, I didn't make enough money to buy a BMW this year. I didn't make it up to CEO of any companies. That must mean I'm a slacker. That must mean I'm totally and completely useless to everyone I encounter. That must mean I have no redeeming value for anyone or anything. That must mean I'm just plain useless.

Thanks, dad. That makes me feel really special about myself and life in general.

I hate how he does this. You know, I was pretty happy there for about a month. I had a job, I was doing okay, Matt was slowly coming back into my life. And now.. now I feel it all crumbling back to where I was before. I feel useless. Completely and totally utterly fucking useless.

I suppose I make my dad feel as frustrated as I feel. I suppose I make him feel like his daughter is a failure. Maybe I have to show him otherwise. Maybe I have to "prove myself" in order to gain his trust and respect. I didn't know it worked that way. I thought I just had it anyway. I guess I'm stupid like that.

I really fucking hate my father sometimes.

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