She was so concerned about me that she offered to come to Austin from Dallas on Friday. Maybe to watch and make sure I don't overdose on Motrin or something, I don't know.. today was just bad. The only time I felt good about myself at all was when I worked out, and I didn't do that until tonight at 8:30. I think I might have been suffering from some kind of psychotic breakdown? I don't know.

What I do know is that I woke up 3 hours later than I wanted to. That threw off my whole day and made me feel like crap. I did do some job looking things, but I don't think anything is going to work out from today's searching. I did go downtown to the Library and Archives Department or something and applied to be an Office Assistant or what not, but I don't know about that. I tried doing the 10 Key thingie and I was so incredibly slow that it was just sad. But I did type 80 WPM again. I'm a fast typer.

Even Matt initiating conversation and just completely believing in me and giving me suggestions and strength and compassion and love didn't make me feel better. I mean.. really.. what is so wrong with my life that I have to feel like I'm totally losing it on a daily basis? I'm not living in poverty, I have food to eat, I have a working car, I have 2 loving parents and a brother and somewhat of a boyfriend and most of my health, so what the hell is wrong with me? What is making me want to committ myself to that place that David Duchoveny went to in Sex and the City?

I just don't know. I'm so tired of it. And I'm so extremely scared that if I don't get myself together by the time I get back to Dallas, Matt is going to call my bluff and see what a nutcase I am. Right now I'm doing a good job of hiding it, to the point where he thinks I'm actually pretty happy in general, but will I be able to hide it once he sees me more than twice a month?

It's scary. I almost want to be committed. I almost want someone to take a serious look at me and see that there's something really wrong with me. Because all this BULLSHIT I'm learning about in therapy is just making me angry. So what if my mom was really nice to me and my dad wasn't that nice but still functional? So what if it was their agenda to keep me the way I am to fulfill a need in themselves? So what if they still baby me and expect me to be a grown up anyway? SO FUCKING WHAT?! It makes me SO MAD to think that this is the cause of my problems. I'm such a fuck-up because I have a "baby" living inside of me. Fuck that. I wish there was something like.. really wrong with me. Not these bullshit psychoanalytic craptastic things.

I think I might be about to have my period. I always act like a total psycho when I'm about to have it after not having it for a while. If that's not an advertisement to just take my pills and shut up about it, I don't know what is.

On a completely different tangent, I love Dasani. I used to be loyal to Deja Blue, but for some reason now I prefer Dasani. IT'S ALL THE SAME FUCKING WATER, loser. I am a loser.

*sigh*

I'll write more tomorrow when I'm not in a self pitying "I suck" kind of mood.

Three other things before I go:

1. Quizno's ROCKS!

2. I found a good motivation to get my ass in gear on the treadmill - listening to Guns N Roses while I run seems to do the trick. I don't know about you, but when "It's So Easy" comes on, I feel like running my ass off.

3. I'm actually watching a Friends I've never seen before and I'm laughing my ass off. Ross just totally macked on his cousin, and Joey has to pretend that he isn't circumsized. It's totally disgusting, yet hilarious at the same time. Kinda like me.

Anyway.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"Random thought: On Sunday, at my big family gathering, the BL had some really pretty roses so I took a pink one and put it in my hair. Eventually the inevitable happened.. someone asked me about why I had a rose in my hair.

"Well, I'm glad you asked. It represents my love for Axl Rose, a love that will never, ever die! MUAHAHAHAH!" That seemed to amuse everyone.

Speaking of amusing everyone, I seem to have become the dreaded Fat Funny Girl. The girl who has no self esteem so she has to make everyone laugh all the time instead. That's me! But I made my whole family crack their asses up many times on Sunday. This is a weird thing for me.. I used to be the Depressed Fat Girl, and now I'm the Funny Fat Girl. Well, it could be worse."

What was Liz doing 2 years ago?

"My college life would have been a lot different without him. Maybe I would have branched out and met more people without him to use as a lifeguard. Maybe I would have dated and found someone else I liked just as much. But I believe in us, and besides, the college dating world scares me. Like.. 1 in 3 people have genital warts and shit like that."