I thought of him when I applied at Holiday Inn, because I haven't gone on any road trips that require a hotel stay in quite some time. I miss that.. I miss it a lot. It made me think of his upcoming football related trip this summer to College Station, the trip we went on together for the past 2 years. Sure, it was absolutely the hottest time of the year, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. And now I have to miss it. Which is fine.. I'm sure I won't die or anything because I missed the stupid hot football games. I just miss going to hotels with him.. that was really a special part of the relationship.

Also, it was pretty damn stormy here today, and storms just make me miss the guy. It's sad, but what can you do sometimes?

Lots of other things that are just getting on my nerves. I miss him. And I know I don't miss him nearly as much as I used to, but now it's really starting to occur to me that maybe there isn't something BIG that's ever going to happen. Maybe this is it. Maybe this is all we're destined to have together.. me randomly IMing him and him telling me that he's busy. Maybe that's all that's left, and maybe I just need to start dealing with that.

I thought I was dealing with that, but there's a place in the back of my mind that won't let me deal with it. But that place is getting smaller and smaller.. that place would never have let me make the decision to stay here until next year a month or two ago. That's a really big decision.. maybe if I came back in August, he'd be ready to make it work, and maybe by me staying here, that's just not going to happen. But if I wait until January or February to come back, he would have had enough time in his other relationship, and enough time without me in his life, to realize what he really wants.

Oh my lord, whatever.

I did delete a whole bunch of songs that reminded me of him, and put another bunch in another folder so I wouldn't come across them. These are mostly country songs, but there's a little Elton John in there, as well as En Vogue's "More than Friends." I suppose one day I'll open that folder and listen to all the songs and cry my little heart out one last time, but I'm not ready for that yet.

It has officially been 3 weeks since the last breakdown, though. I've barely even cried since then, too. I am proud of that fact.

I am going home not this weekend, but next weekend. Which is cool.. it would have been a month since I went home, and that's impressive for me, I think. And I don't think there's any chance of seeing Matt, because my brother is going to drive us to my dad's farm, where there will be an expensive Memorial Day party full of corny rich people that I can't stand. So I won't be seeing him unless he comes to the party, which I'm sure he'd rather stick a hot poker up his ass instead of coming to. But don't think that I'm not going to ask him anyway.. that's just what I do.

I wore my work out shorts all over the place today. I am really working the shorts angle. But it makes me happy to be able to wear them, so screw people who don't like it! Although, I do have a big giant bruise on my thigh from the dumpster incident on Saturday, and just between you and me.. it's really quite ugly. But I like bruises. I think they give some character.

Also, I managed to ressurect My-Reviews from the dead. I might consider bringing it back, but as the folks here know all too well, I'm not exactly forthcoming with the review love these days.

I'm going swimming now.