In other news, urgggh. I haven't written in a few days because I'm in yet another one of my ugly "phases." It's taking a toll on me, too. Not good.

My phases pretty much go like this: happy and content, optimistic about the future. And then, not happy and not content and not happy about the future. When I'm in the latter phase, I eat. A lot. It doesn't matter what it is, I will put it in my mouth. Sometimes, usually if it's only after 6:00 (I have this weird thing about eating after 6), I will do the fun binge and purge activity, but that's not too often.

The result of this eating fest is that I gain weight and my self-esteem is shot. I then feel like a big fat horrible failure, and the eating continues.

It seems like this phase has been going on forever, but I know it hasn't. I can go weeks with eating normal food and not eating whatever I set my sights on. But right now, it's like I'm incapable of eating healthy. If I gave you a list of all the things I've eaten this past week, you would all be horrified. Horrified.

And the thing is, I felt exactly the same way this time last year. Maybe it's a seasonal thing or something. But I at least know that this isn't rock bottom. I've been here before, and it's not so bad, and eventually I'll get over it.

But man, I've noticed that it's making me really grouchy lately. At work I'm not the funloving me I usually am.. I'm bitter complaining me.

I spent the night at Matt's last night and it was not pleasant there for a while. As soon as I walked in the door he was all, "What's wrong? You look mad." And I had to explain that I was just grumpy. And then over the next hour or so, that particular emotion was on full display. After nookie was had and I was trying to go to sleep, for some strange reason I finally started crying. He was just slightly horrified by my weird breakdown, and didn't really have any consoling words for me, and really, he wouldn't have helped anyway. This isn't about him. This is about my inability to control my issues.

And I know one of the real reasons for my grumpyness lately. In less than two months, the big "25" looms in front of me, and there's the whole issue of not having accomplished jack shit in all of my 25 years. But, we've already been through that so I won't beat you down again.

So basically: waaahhhhh.

And DO NOT tell me to see a fucking psychologist. There is just NO WAY that I'm doing that again. I'll get through this the old fashioned way: lots of crying, theraputic shopping, and masturbation.

Other than that, blah. My computer isn't working.. the thingie where you stick the power supply for the laptop isn't working again. It's really sad how one little object that ceases to work turns my whole little world upside down. I feel naked without my Larry the laptop! It gives me tired head. And what sucks is that if I have to take it in to get it fixed, they might have to take everything off my friggin hard drive, and I can't get in there to at least save some stuff because I can't even turn it on.

Rawr. I miss Larry. I borrowed my roomate's computer for work yesterday, but it took me a minimum of three hours just to get all the fucking spyware off her stupid computer. When I first even turned it on, I got like 12 pop-ups at the same time. By the time I was finished cleaning it up by the end of the day, it was only 4. Which is not impressive, but at least it's not 12. Today I'm borrowing Matt's and I'm in love with his laptop and want to marry it and have laptop babies with it.

Anyway.

CSI was greatness last night. I really thoroughly enjoyed the episode, and not just for the Billy Petersen hotness. The season 4 DVD's are coming out on birthday. Yay! Happy birthday to me!

In good news, there's massive thunderstorms in the area and since my boss isn't here today, it'll probably be more like a half-day. Which almost makes me sad because I have to return this laptop to Matt after work. But it makes me happy because I got about 3 hours of sleep last night (due to Matt watching Last Comic Standing on TiVO and me being entirely too fascinated by that to sleep) and you know, stuff.

I'm sorry for the total boringness of this entry. Hi banner people! Add me to your buddy list.

Tired head.

*****

a year ago..

"Eddie himself wasn't quite the big catch I made him out to be at first, either. First of all, he had a mullet. Which I guess was acceptable back in 1993 so I can't really say too much about it. What I loved most about him was that he was 15 and to a 13 year old girl, a boy with long hair two years older than me was just the coolest thing in the world. IN THE WORLD!"

2 years..

"Yes, I still get satisfied by other means, but I miss actually having sex. Like, that's a statement about your relationship! It means you and your partner are confident enough in your love that you can like.. have intercourse. And I miss that. I want sex, my friends. With my damn boyfriend. And unless I want to rape him while he's sleeping, I have to wait until we get married."

three years..

"Okay, so, my new attitude: fuck anonymous. I was, and now I'm not, and if I really wanted it, I wouldn't have told my boyfriend that I had this name. Like I've said, there's no reason for him to stumble upon this diary. But I just enjoyed being unknown for a while, but I think that should end, because my name is not MyMichele. It's not even Michele. It doesn't even start with an M.

My name is Elizabeth. Okay? My friends usually end up calling me Liz. You can call me whatever you want. But that's my name. I know, it's shocking."