And yes, I realize that most of this is about Matt and our evolution from what we were to what we became to what we are now, but that's what my year has been about. Oh, and about graduating and moving and stuff like that.

And for God's sakes, sign the damn thing! Who's dick do I have to suck around here to get the thing signed?!

This is gonna be long. So maybe you can pace yourself.. read it over the next couple of days or something. You know me and my long entries.. I can go on forever.

Okay then. So, 2 years of D-land mania. When I first started out in D-land, I thought it would be a nice diversion for a little while, something I'd eventually get bored of. But I still write here almost everyday, and, sadly enough, it's actually become an integral part of my life. I want to hear what you guys have to say, even if I bitch about it. When big things happen, I start composing in my mind what I'll say about it in my journal. Dorky, yes. But that's just how it is! I've grown dependent on this place.

When you guys first met me, I was a 21-year-old junior in college. I wasn't really all that ambitious, I never really thought about the future. I had a crush on my math tutor who had a strange name and a case of the man boobs. I had a "boyfriend" and we had just gone through a near break-up over a girl he promised me was just a friend. A perfect girl with blond hair who won over not only him but all his friends, too. I knew that girl was trouble the second he ever told me about her. But hey! It turns out our Ms. Perfect Blondie isn't so perfect. It turns out she was a cheater. Muahahaha. Anyway.

And now.. 2 years later.. not much has changed, right? I mean, the past 8 months haven't been different at all! Of course I say this with just a bit of sarcasm as my life has been turned upside down and back again. Whereas two years ago I was 21, a senior in college, not thinking about the future at all, with a boyfriend whom I saw every single weekend rain or shine.. now I am 23, living in an apartment I pay for myself (woohoo!), boyfriendless but not nookieless, graduted from school, living in my dream city, working at a job making okay money...

It's just so strange how things change so drastically over such a short period of time.

This is just going to be from the past year, I've decided. If you want to see what happened last year, check out my 1 year anniversary from last year. It should be good times. To keep this from becoming super long, I won't quote every entry, just the really important ones. I know you're sad. Try not to cry.

Our trip to College Station, from July 20th, 2002 -

Why this entry was important - For a few different reasons. Matt and I talked about how we wanted to raise our kids, and we discovered that we both truly wanted the same things. This was a really different conversation for us. An important one. Also, I was worried about this trip when it comes up this year, because I really wanted to go with him and that was hard cuz like.. he had a girlfriend. But now I'm going. It's in 3 weeks. We're making plans. I'm happy.

Things I'm bitter about - from July 26th, 2002:

"BB and I are just kinda hanging out right now. He's like, "So, what are we gonna do today? Think of something!" And so I rattled off like 15 things.. "we can go see a movie, we can go play bingo, we can go see Charlie, we can go to the rodeo, I can give you a back rub, we can.. blah blah blah" and he just didn't want to do anything! So how can I suggest something when he doesn't like any of my friggin suggestions? Anyway."

Why this entry was important - Because, as I look back on it now, there was obviously something terribly wrong. This was from July, the month that he got together with The Girl. I had no idea at the time, of course, but just some stuff I was talking about between us.. it's obvious he wasn't happy and that maybe he was trying to phase us out.

I really wish he didn't tell me about that whole July thing.. I could have lived my whole life without knowing that.

My brief move into movie of the week land, August 8th, 2002 -

"Let's just go ahead and say the word, shall we? Bulemia. I am turning into some lame movie of the week starring Meredith Baxter Burney. I am turning into someone I would see on TV in the past and say to myself, "That's horrible.. why would they want to do that to themselves? Why would they eat so much and then want to throw it up?" I know now. Because you get obsessed, and when you reach a certain point, you'll just about do anything to not gain another pound."

Why this day was important - Buliemia was not good. It didn't suit me, really. I got over it, and it was the last time I ever did it. But it signified my lifelong battle with my weight, and how competetive I was with Matt.. he was losing so much weight that I would have done anything to catch up to him, but it didn't work out that way. It was a big day, and it's over, so there ya go.

Issues - from August 16th, 2002

Why this entry was important - It talks about how he was making me remove all my stuff from his house. For a while, I had lots of stuff over there.. lots of clothes, a suitcase, etc. And he made me extract all that stuff. My mom and I both thought that was odd.. like once again he was phasing me out. Well, we were right, now weren't we?

The first day of my second senior year, August 26th, 2002

Why this entry was important - It would be the last first day of college I will ever go to. At least undergraduate wise. And that's big.. first days are always big.

The MTV Video Music Awards, from August 29th, 2002 -

"OOOH! STOP THAT! THE CREDITS ARE ROLLING! DON'T FUCKING ROLL ON AXL! HE LOOKS SO GOOD! I'M SO FUCKING PROUD! IT'S SUCH A GOOD FUCKING DAY FOR GUNS N ROSES FANS!"

Why this entry was important - Because it started a month long crazy fascination/obsession with Guns N Roses. This obsession almost got in the way of my graduating, because I didn't want to do any work, just stare at Axl's pictures all day. And I can almost guarentee that it got in the way of me and Matt's relationship.. he was in deep with The Girl probably by that time (even though he says they only saw each other every couple of weeks, plus she still had a boyfriend at the time.. those two are great at cheating, aren't they?) and probably thought my GNR obsession was completely pathetic. Which it was, of course.

Me and Matt's 5 year anniversary - From October 3rd, 2002 -

"That is how long BB and I have been together today. We're not really celebrating.. all we did really was that he kissed my forehead at midnight last night, during the argument we were having, and that's about it. Remember when I mused that he should propose to me on this day way back in May when I was having those craptastic wedding fantasies? Yeah, it didn't happen. I didn't think it would.. let's just say that I'm not exactly prime marriage material at this point in my life."

Why this entry was important - Duh. He was dating someone else. He could barely find it in himself to care that we had been together such an extremely long time. All these hints, but yet I still didn't see it coming.

My radio debut - from October 10th, 2002

Why this entry was important - Because I got to be on the radio! It was so much fun! It was a big night for me, my 7.5 minutes in the spotlight.

A craptacular 23rd birthday - from October 13th, 2002

"I learned that in this thing we call life, nobody really knows us. You are the only person who knows what you expect out of a situation, or how you feel about a situation, or how you're going to react in a situation. Basically, we're alone, and even if we have people surrounding us, we have to get through it alone. Because when it all comes together and we have to make a choice, it's only ourselves that can make it."

Why this entry was important-

Because I had a crappy birthday. Matt didn't spend any time or effort trying to figure something out for us to do, and we had been together for 5 years. You'd think he'd care enough to do something special. Well, not unless he was about to dump me in 2 weeks, that is.

Dum de dum dum dum! The break up entry!

"You know, after being someone with 5 years, you get to know someone, and their habits, and their quirks. You know what they're thinking, and you know what your reaction to that will be.

But still, the words "We need to talk" will still strike fear in my heart and mind."

Why this entry was important -

We didn't officially break up on this day, but this was him giving me the heads up that things were about to change. And they did change. And it really sucked. I got a severe reality check on this day, and it hurt. Plus, he lied. About everyhing. Getting his shit together? Owning his emotions? Nothing to do with me? *snort*

The bad football game - October 26th, 2002-

"So yesterday, some bad shit went down. Like.. bad stuff.

But BB and I talked for a while when we got home, and it was an intense chat. I decided that I'm gonna start looking for some kind of internship or something in Las Vegas or Austin or something."

Why this entry was important -

Because.. this was an intense day. If I hadn't have made such a fool out of myself that day, things might have been different. Might have been. Probably not. Also, this is when I started thinking about moving to Austin.

My life decision is.. I'm gonna move to Austin.

Why this entry was important -

Because I finally decided to do it. Just pack up and move. And I never looked back.

Oh.. I get it now.. from November 5th, 2002 -

"That's all he said. He fucking said "Okay." Like HE DIDN"T EVEN FUCKING CARE. He didn't say "No no, we can figure this out, maybe I'll see you one day a week or something." He didn't say, "Fuck it all, I love you, don't go to Austin." He just fucking said OKAY!"

Why this entry was important - Because I'm finally starting to get the point. This is a break up. And he's not going to change his mind like he always does.

Nanowrimo - From November 17th, 2002 -

Why this entry was important -

Because I had just written a 52,000 word story in 17 days. Also, Matt started dating The Girl officially on this day. I didn't know that, of course, but there ya go.

Never again.. never again.. - From November 24th, 2002 -

"I don't get it. All I know is that someday, when I finally move on with my life, I will never let someone make me feel this way again. I will never wrap myself up so completely in anyone else that when it's over, I realize that I have nothing left. I gave myself over to this person so much that I have nothing left."

Why this entry was so important - There was a lot of similar "woe is me" entries like that, but this one seems to sum it up well. I was sad. I didn't think I'd ever be happy again. Dramatic, yes. True, yes.

Thanksgiving - Nov. 30th, 2002 -

"I think I need to stop cussing so much.

I came to this conclusion when, on Thursday night, I got up in a room full of my family and loudly announced, "MY WHOLE FUCKING FAMILY IS FALLING APART! I CAN FUCKING CRY IF I WANT TO!"

Why this entry was important - Because it was my first major holiday without Matt, and it sucked ass, and he wasn't even there for me to talk to. It was a stepping stone in the break up.. it made me realize he's just not going to be there when I need him.

The last day of school - Dec. 5th, 2003

"In the past 4 1/2 years, I've done many things. I once wrote on the back of my final exam that I had a crush on that particular teacher and that I really wanted him to know about it. I never saw him again after that, thank god. I made a fool out of myself countless times. I cultivated my writing skills and eventually did a good job at working on a newspaper. I learned a few things from books, like Buckminster Fuller is responsible for the Geodesic Dome. Also, I learned that I never made it past the oral stage, according to Freud. I can also give you the definition of irony if you would ask me about it."

Why this entry was so important - Because it was the last day of school, and all contemplative and awesome. Yeeyuh!

Drunken graduation! - Dec. 14th 2002

"I am do freaking drunk right now, you juswt can't understand. I had 3 margaristas~ and I graduating too. Can you image? me and dorkus boy and old friend, shlpppiong fr p-orn when I'm drunk? I can't imangine anyting better., to tell you the dtrutyh."

Why this entry was important - Because I was drunk! And I graduated from college, which people thought I was never going to accomplish. It was a surreal day, kinda. A crappy day, definitely.

Moving day - From Dec. 13th, 2002

Why this entry was important - Because I finally moved out of the dorm I had lived in for 2 1/2 years! Woohoo!

Top 5 worst days of my life - From Dec. 23rd, 2002

"And now she's back, he has her all to herself, and I feel like they're going to get married, they're going to have kids, she's going to take his virginity, and I'm going to be a lonely spinster with 5 dogs who nobody will ever love like he did. He used to love me. He used to hold me and kiss me and reassure me that we would be together for such a long time."

Why this entry was so important -

If someone were to ask me, "what was the worst day of your life?" Or perhaps, "What was your biggest heartbreak?" I'd say, right away with no hesitation, December 23rd 2002. It was a horrible day, one I'll always remember. It was the first time I had seen Matt in 2 1/2 months, and it was when it was revealed that he did indeed have a girlfriend. And then it was revealed who this girl was. Okay then, thank you, have a nice day.

No nookie for you! From Dec. 28th, 2002

Why this entry was so important - I was realizing that he was so hopelessly devoted to The Girl that he wouldn't even let me get in his pants. That was not fun.

New Years Eve, 2002 -

Why this entry was important - The previous new years, we trekked across country to a Guns N Roses concert in Vegas. This year.. he went to Shreveport, I went to Denton and ate peanut butter M&M's and watched the Sixth Sense with Natalie. Things were different. I vowed to make the new year a different and better one.

And that's it! For MyMichele anyway! I'm going to continue with me in a new entry because I'm seriously paranoid about how long this is getting. Mmmkay? Mmkay.

See you on the flipside!