I just ate a waffle. Yummy!

Anyway. Today was rather uneventful, I suppose. I worked out, I volunteered at the blind people place, I went to my small group. It was nice to see the girls again.

Volunteering was okay.. if you want a little humor in your life, have a 70 year old grandmother read the lyrics to the wonderful Ice T/Body Count song "Cop Killer." That was in a book we were reading, and it was funny. Funny haha.

And the small group was good. I get to talk about myself at length next time we meet, which I always enjoy, as you guys well know. At the end, the leader took prayer requests, and as the selfish person I am, I added my request to the list. What is my request? Only that I have some higher power help with my boy issues.

I mean, I just talked about this for like 2 minutes and it almost made me cry. Matt is just a sneaky bastard. We can go a month barely talking, avoiding any tender issues, and I'll think that there's no hope for us left, and then one day he'll insert a tiny little nugget of hope, and I'm back at square one. And I know that's not an accident on his part. I know that he's trying to screw with me, to make sure that I don't move on. To make sure that no matter what I'm doing or where my mindset is, he can get in there, say 2 or 3 little sentences, and there it is. I will continue to have hope for us, and I will continue to drive myself crazy.

It's not fun, but that's the way it is. Maybe after I've been working for a while, gathering confidence and pride, that little trick won't work anymore. I hope so, because it's getting old. I don't think he's ever going to break up with her.. I just think back to how many chances he gave me. 5 years worth.

And then I start thinking about how the odds aren't really in their favor. They started dating a month after we broke up, that counts as a rebound thing, right? That's not supposed to last, right? And the first time they tried to get together 2 years ago, it was almost forbidden because he had a girlfriend and she just got out of a long relationship, so maybe it was a little taboo. And now that they can be together all the time, maybe the appeal has worn off a little. But that's crap. Because they love each other apparently, so who cares.

I care. And I know I should be way past this part of the whole greiving process, yet I'm not. Why not? Why am I still here? I can't keep doing this.

I need a man.

Other than that, things are well. On Saturday, I'm going to the farm. Next Tuesday, I'll be starting a real grown up job! Not a temp job, not some bullshit job, not a part time job. But a real, permanent, money paying job with 5 weeks of training. That's exciting. I question their judgement on hiring me, but I thank them heartily for taking such a chance. Thank you. Indeed.

I'm tired, and I don't know why. I had 8 hours of sleep. I'm going to be happy when I can go to bed at 11 instead of 3 AM. Cuz waking up at 11 in the morning just is too weird and not right.

I don't know what the point of this entry was. Tomorrow I'm going to see Bruce Almighty and eat popcorn. On Tuesday, I'm going to start a massive diet. More about that later. Right now I want to return to my puppy.