I don't know what I want to do with my life. There are 2 things I know right now: I want to be a novelist and I want Matt back.

Working at friggin Jason's Deli is not going to help either of these situations. I feel like such a crackwhore working there. Almost everyone asked me where I worked before or something to that effect, and I said I just graduated from college and moved here. It seemed like every single person I told this to was shocked that I had a degree, yet I was working at this crap ass deli.

What does that say about me, though? Am I above the people who work there just because I'm one of the few who has a degree? Sometimes I feel that way, but basically it just means that my dad had enough money to put my ass through college. I half-assed it since the very first day, and that doesn't make me any kind of special.

So since I didn't work hard at getting my degree, does that mean I now have to work at this deli paying my dues until the great pendulum of life swings my way? I mean.. I made $50 in tips on 3 deliveries, but that's the thing. You maybe make deliveries for like.. an hour, and the rest of the time is spent rolling pickles and other crackwhorish things. When I delivered pizza I delivered all night, just coming back for more pizza to deliver. *sigh*

I don't know what to do. I want so much more than I have, but I don't know how to get it. And I ache to spend the rest of my life with Matt, and I ache when I see that his stupid fucking girlfriend is still neglecting him. Last night I talked to him a little because Dr. Phil was on David Letterman, and since Dr. Phil is like God to him, I told him about it and then we talked for a few minutes. She hasn't even called him in 4 days. That's just crap. I could take care of him. I could make sure that he gets what he needs, and he could do the same for me.

It's all crap. I hate it here, and I want to go home.

That's my inspirational message for the day.